


More (Than That)

by celluloiddreams



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2019-10-31 04:08:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 83,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17842169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celluloiddreams/pseuds/celluloiddreams
Summary: Centered around the events of "Casino Night".  Starts off in canon, but slips into AU as angst ensues.  My first fic for "The Office".





	1. More (Than That)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This was supposed to be a one-shot, but I'm debating on continuing this as a series based off episodes from the show. Let me know what you think!

He was doing it again.

He wasn’t sure for how long or if anyone had taken notice as the entire warehouse was filled with the building’s employees and their significant others.  After all, it was Casino Night.  At first, Jim thought it was a ridiculous idea—not to mention highly illegal in the state of Pennsylvania—but nevertheless, he had to admit that the night had turned out to be a pretty great one thus far.

That is, until he realized that he was doing it again.

But in all reality, he simply couldn’t help it.

He couldn’t help but to stare at her.  She just looked _so beautiful_ in that iridescent periwinkle dress.  Her hair was halfway pulled back as a few perfectly curled tendrils framed her porcelain face.  She seemed so radiant, even when she took him all in during their poker game.  Her laughter was completely contagious to all those around her, even when she pulled his chips toward her modest pile. Jim and his roommate had hosted many a poker night at their apartment, and while Jim frequently won, for some reason, losing all of his chips to Pam Beesly in that moment made him feel like he had won the lottery.  Perhaps it was the way she smiled at him or the almost… _flirtatious…_ way they stared at one another while he tried to assess whether or not she was bluffing.  When Pam tossed a few chips onto the pile, Jim shifted his gaze back down to the half empty glass of whiskey in front of him.  He was on his third drink of the evening and knew he needed to slow down or else the carefree evening he had spent the last few hours enjoying would simply vanish.

He tried looking elsewhere.  He watched Creed steal some of Meredith’s chips.  He watched Ryan as he handed Kelly her 7 and 7. He even tried to watch Dwight play craps for a few moments, but inevitably, his gaze fell back to Pam’s direction once more, just in time to see her push some more of her chips towards Kevin. God, he had completely fallen under her spell.

She was his co-worker.

She was his best friend.

She was— _everything._

Unfortunately for him, she was also engaged.  She had been engaged since the day they met, a fact that remained at the forefront of every interaction they had, because how could it not?  Still, as the days, weeks, months—even years—passed, he found himself falling more and more in love with her.  She was beautiful— _obviously_ —but she was so much more than that.  She was funny, and soft, and warm, and so incredibly kind.  Most of the people in the office took advantage of that fact, but not Jim— _never_ Jim.  In her, he found a kindred spirit, someone he instantly ‘clicked’ with.  At times, it felt as if they were so in sync with one another that they didn’t even feel the need to verbalize what they were thinking.

Jim furrowed his eyebrows before he took another swig of his drink.  At least, that’s how it _used_ to be.

Now, things were different.  Comfortable silences had been replaced by tension-filled awkwardness. Casual conversations felt strained—almost forced now—and deep discussions about their personal lives were completely non-existent.  They both knew the reason why, although neither could bring themselves to admit it.

When he glanced back in her direction, he spotted her fiancé, who had approached the table and had wrapped his arm around her shoulders.  It was a completely innocent gesture, but Jim’s chest tightened at the sight.

Because he would give _anything_ to be the one next to her.

The last several months had taken a toll on him, amplified exponentially the moment Roy and Pam announced a date for their wedding. Ever since that horrific night on the booze cruise, he had been forced to sit back and helplessly watch as the woman he loved planned her wedding to another guy, a guy—Jim quickly deduced upon first meeting Roy years earlier—who didn’t deserve her.  He frequently blew her off, talked down to her, and discouraged her from pursuing her dreams.  He didn’t help at all with the wedding preparations—at least that Jim was aware of—and would, more often than not, spend the bulk of his free time with his brother instead of with his fiancé.

It was maddening because if Jim were in his shoes, he’d do everything in his power to—

_No._

_‘Stop it,’_ he mentally chastised before he quickly finished off the rest of his drink. He wasn’t in Roy’s shoes; he’d never be in his shoes. 

Jim slid off the barstool as he threw one more glance at the happy couple. 

He had to go get some air before he got another drink.

* * *

The moment Jim walked outside, he spotted Jan Levinson, his boss’s boss.  She was leaned back against the hood of her car, a cigarette in her mouth.  Jim had to admit that he had never wanted to smoke as badly as he did at that exact moment.  The only reason he turned down her offer to have one was the simple fact that he had never actually smoked a cigarette before.  Sure, he had smoked a couple of cigars before, but that was years ago, back when he was in college and they were a staple of the Sunday Night poker tournament in his apartment.  He was afraid that the combination of smoke and whiskey would make him nauseous, and that was the last thing he needed tonight.

One look at Jan and Jim knew that her night seemed to be going about as well as the last year of his had been.  He suspected that something was going on between her and Michael, her presence at Casino Night almost proved as much, but wasn’t Michael interested in his realtor?  Truth be told, most of Jim’s thoughts were centered around a certain receptionist these days, so he wasn’t entirely sure what his boss’s current relationship status was, nor, to be perfectly honest, did he really care.

As he leaned against the hood of the car, he attempted some semblance of small talk with her.  He quickly shifted into autopilot when he asked her if she was having fun.  After all, it was a casino night, right?  It seemed as if everyone else was having a blast. When she asked herself why she hooked up with Michael, Jim couldn’t help but to chuckle.  That seemed to be the million-dollar question.  Without even thinking about it—and he fully blamed the alcohol in his system for the oversight—he asked her why.  It was only out of courtesy and not because he was genuinely curious.  It was already more than enough for him to be constantly surrounded by his boss’s antics while at work.  The last thing he needed was to be filled in on the details of Michael’s life outside of work.

Thankfully for him, Jan didn’t want to discuss Michael Scott any further.  All he had been was one huge mistake.  “Hey, have you given any more thought to the transfer?”

“Oh. Yeah.”  The transfer. A few weeks ago, Jim had finally reached his breaking point.  After Pam found out that he had complained to Toby once— _just once_ —about the fact that she had been making wedding preparations while at work, he went to New York and spoke with Jan about transferring to another office.  He had never intended for Toby to file a complaint on his behalf against Pam, and Jim retracted it the moment he realized what Toby had done, but still—thanks to another shenanigan of Michael’s—Pam found out.  As the entire office posed for the group photo Michael insisted upon taking after getting new IDs for the building, Jim knew his time in Scranton was over.

He couldn’t stand hearing about the wedding in the first place, but when he actually saw her make all of the reservations and constantly discuss the guest list with various people in the office, it all became too real. He had to get out of there.  Hell, he booked a trip to Australia specifically to give himself a reason not to attend the wedding.  He couldn’t think of anywhere else further away, and knew he had to be as far away as possible when she walked down that aisle.  The thought of seeing her at work afterward—to be forced to stare at the band on her left ring finger for the rest of eternity—drove him to the brink of madness.

The office had gotten too small.  Scranton had gotten too small.  Pennsylvania had gotten too small.  He knew that a position had opened up for an assistant regional manager in Stamford, Connecticut, thanks to Dwight.  He was so desperate to find a way out of the situation he was in that he applied for—and was offered—the job.  He tried to convince himself that the promotion was a good opportunity for him, but now that he was three drinks in, he couldn’t deny the real reason why he accepted the position.

 Jan nodded. “Good.  Have you told anyone?”

Jim hesitated.  “No.” As hard as it had been for him to admit defeat when it came to Pam Beesly, he knew that telling her about the transfer would be just as difficult, if not more so.  Keeping this from her for the last week had been torturous enough. After all, she was still his best friend, even though a fog of awkwardness permeated every interaction they attempted now.  Jim was well aware of the fact that leaving Scranton meant leaving Pam behind, but he also knew that it was his only chance at survival. 

Jan, seemingly oblivious to the civil war that raged in Jim’s mind simply commented, “You should.”

* * *

Prior to his conversation with Jan, Jim had given serious thought to not telling anyone about the transfer.  He’d simply stop showing and leave them to connect the dots or wait until, inevitably, Jan told Michael about it.  The last thing Jim wanted to do was to drag this whole thing out more than was absolutely necessary.  He also knew that if Pam threw him a look that conveyed anything resembling _‘I don’t want you to go’_ , he’d back out of the position completely, which would bring himself right back to where he started.

During one particularly vile moment of self-loathing, he wondered if she’d even notice if he stopped coming into work, but as soon as the thought landed on his heart, he chased it away.  He wasn’t being fair to her.  He knew she cared.  They were friends, after all.  Sure, she might miss him for the first few days, maybe even the first few weeks, but eventually, she’d get married to Roy and would start planning the next chapter of her life.

A chapter without Jim Halpert in it.

 _‘God.’_ Jim rubbed his forehead as he walked around the side of the building.  He couldn’t even contemplate what the next chapter of her life would entail because he knew it would contain miniature versions of her and Roy.  As badly as he wanted there to be more Pam’s in the world, the thought of Roy being a part of it made him nauseous.

Getting more and more frustrated by his intoxicated trail of thought, he stuffed his hand into the front pocket of his pants and retrieved his car keys.  He knew he wasn’t in the best state of mind to drive, but the thought of Pam procreating with Roy was more than enough to sober him up long enough to make it home in one piece.

He unknowingly passed by Roy’s truck as images of Pam—past, present, future—continued to torment him. It was already too late by the time he realized whose truck it was, and that Pam stood on the other side of it.  It took every ounce of strength within him to muster up a small smile and wave at the couple.

“Hey Halpert!”

Jim briefly considered ignoring Pam’s fiancé and continuing the trek toward his car, but instead, he turned around to look at the guy whom he envied more than he ever thought was humanly possible.  This guy was the one who had the pleasure of falling asleep next to the greatest human in the world.  He was blessed to be able to greet each morning with the sight of her. 

Jim had to admit that he had wondered—quite frequently—what it would be like to wake up every morning with Pam Beesly nestled next to him. He pictured untamed curls fanned out across her pillow as she slept peacefully beside him.  He’d be content enough to watch her sleep while he memorized every single freckle that graced her fair skin.  He also imagined that whenever she awoke, she’d look up at him and smile, that gorgeous—but oh so heartbreaking—smile, and he’d fall in love all over again.

Unfortunately for Jim, that wasn’t his reality.  It was Roy’s.  While Jim was well aware of the fact that Pam wasn’t his, as the days ticked by—as Pam’s wedding day drew nearer and nearer—the knowledge that he wouldn’t be the one to stand up in front of all of their friends and families and swear to be hers forever…well…it was beginning to kill him.

It was why he _had_ to transfer to Stamford.

“Keep an eye on her, alright?”

He wanted nothing more than to just go home and start packing, but maybe Jan was right.  Maybe he needed to tell someone that in a few short weeks, the Scranton branch would have one less salesman.  “Ok. Will do.”

Jim stood still and watched as Roy pulled away from them. He knew that if he was ever going to tell Pam about Stamford, the time was now.  He couldn’t have done it last week while they were in the office.  There was too much pressure and he was too fearful of the fallout.  He was even more afraid that she wouldn’t react to his news at all.  So, instead of facing the consequences of his decision, he clung to the silence. 

As he watched the taillights of Roy’s truck slowly disappear down the road, he wondered once again how she would react to the news.  Would she speak up and tell him that she didn’t want him to go, or would she quietly accept the fact that he would no longer be part of her daily life?  Jim knew what he was hoping for, but feared that the latter was more than likely the response he’d receive.

“Hey.” Pam was positively beaming as she closed the space between them.  She hadn’t seen much of him since he handed her all of his poker chips.

Jim met her halfway in the parking lot.  As he looked up once more at the disappearing figure of Roy’s truck, he began to fidget with his keys.  It would be so much easier to just leave and not have to face this.  “Hey, how’s it going?”

Pam grinned at him.  For all of his bragging about how good he was at poker, she still couldn’t believe she took him down.  Of course, she ended up losing all of her money to Kevin and Phyllis, but she couldn’t care less about that.  She had beaten Jim, a fact that she would certainly hold over his head for at least the next three months.  “Good…especially after I took all of your money in poker.”

He chuckled half-heartedly as he continued to fidget with his keys.  Now that they were alone, now that he could feel time slipping away from them, he knew he needed to summon the courage to tell her about the promotion.  He knew that she would ask the obvious follow-up question, and then he’d be forced to either look her in the eye and lie or admit the truth.  Both options made him want to sprint towards his car, but he knew he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t leave without telling her. It would be the coward’s way out. “Yeah…um…hey…uh…can I talk to you about something?”  He wasn’t sure exactly what he would say, but maybe if he approached it in a lighthearted way, then it wouldn’t be so terrible.  Maybe if he treated it just like a normal conversation, he’d be able to form the words.

Pam was completely oblivious to the slight edge in his tone.  “About how you wanna give me more of your money?”  She hadn’t been this happy in months.  She knew that it was partially due to the fact that she had a few of drinks while at the table.  She was so focused on constructing her next jab that she missed his soft ‘no’.  “Did you wanna do that now?” She gestured to the building behind them.  “We can go inside.” Her smile widened while she waited for him to respond.  She wasn’t a big drinker, so she shouldn’t have been surprised that she was feeling giddy after only two mixed drinks, but it was a form of happiness she hoped would last for a while longer.  “I’m feelin’ kinda good tonight.”

“I was just um…” The ability to construct simple sentences completely failed him.  When he looked into her eyes—a dangerous act these days—his entire future stretched out before him.  It was indescribable, but it felt as real as the breeze that surrounded them.  There was a house, two children—a girl and boy—and her.  Suddenly, another realization dawned on him.  There was something else she needed to know, something more important than where he was going.  As much as it scared him, he knew that she deserved to know the reason _why_.

With a steadfastness he didn’t know he possessed, he earnestly uttered, “I’m in love with you.”

Her smile faded as his words slowly sunk in.  It felt as if a bucket of cold water had been dumped over her head.  The giddiness she felt vanished as she stared at the honesty reflected in his gaze.  “What?”  No, that couldn’t be right.  She must have misheard him. 

Jim wouldn’t—

He _couldn’t_ —

Ok, so Pam was fairly certain that Jim had a little crush on her.  Michael told her as much and it seemed fairly obvious given how awkward things had been with him over the last several weeks, but love?  There was no way she heard him correctly.  _Why_ would he be in love with her?  _How_ could he be in love with her? 

He wasn’t surprised by her initial reaction.  It was completely in character for Pam to question even slightest disturbance in the _‘perfect life’_ she had meticulously constructed; any minor inconvenience or threat to it simply wasn’t tolerated.  And this was definitely more than just a minor inconvenience.  Jim was well aware of the fact that Pam had always been content enough to stay exactly where she was, but she was weeks away from getting married and he was mere days away from moving, and if not now, then when?  Even though he thought he could keep it bottled up, he realized the moment he saw that heartbreaking grin of hers that he’d never be able to _‘forever hold his peace’_.  He knew that confessing his feelings to her was a selfish move on his part, but he was tired of holding back, of pretending that the woman in front of him didn’t mean everything to him.  “I’m really sorry if that’s weird for you to hear, but I needed you to…hear it.” 

His gaze drifted to the pavement as every millisecond of silence between them stretched out into eternity.  It was deafening.  He wasn’t sure why he was anxious to hear her response. He already knew what her reaction would be.  The pregnant pause between them said it all.  He hated to drop this bomb on her in this way, but she had to have known it was coming, right? After all of the looks they shared, the conversations they had, the way he couldn’t help but to stare at her like she held the key to his very existence?  There was no way she didn’t know how he felt after he confessed that he was the one who made the complaint to Toby about her.  Hell, he was planning to leave the country a few days before her wedding.  If that didn’t spell out _‘I’m getting as far away from here as possible because it would kill me to see you swear your undying love to someone who isn’t me’_ , then he wasn’t sure what else would. “Probably not good timing.  I know that I just…”

His unwillingness to lie, to backtrack, to do anything to erase what he had confessed took away the remnants of the buzz Pam felt from the evening’s festivities.  Her joy melted into fear as her eyes locked onto his.  She knew that there would be no punch line.  He wasn’t going to simply laugh it off and tell her that he got her or write it off as some horrific joke at her expense.  In his eyes, she saw the sincerity behind his words.  In her heart, she knew the truth.

She had never felt more petrified in her entire life. “What are you doing?”

Jim responded to her question with a knowing look. He could tell that she was scared, and the fact that he was the one to put that look in her eyes made it ten times worse.  There was so much he wanted to say, but the knot that was steadily growing in his chest stopped him.

Pam had never felt the full weight of her engagement ring until that very moment.  The next chapter of her life was just around the corner.  Roy had finally set a date and they were actually going to go through with it this time.  Her relationship would no longer be reduced to a punch line for the office, distant relatives, or even Roy—whom just the previous week lamented the fact that they would never again be rewarded for their lack of commitment. 

Jim didn’t need to explain further.  The look in his eyes said everything.  She could feel the walls she had carefully constructed around her life start to crack.  A new kind of honesty was beginning to slip through and the pressure of it made her chest hurt.

She wouldn’t accept this.  She  _couldn’t_ accept it.  If she accepted this, then everything would change. She’d be forced to throw away the life she had been cultivating ever since she was in high school.  She’d be forced to start over.  She’d have to step into an unknown world, completely unaware of how to navigate it.  Why? Why would he say that?  Why would he do this to her?  Why now? 

She opened her mouth to speak, to deny it all, but closed it when her stomach lurched.  While she knew she couldn’t accept what he was saying, she also knew she couldn’t deny it.  Though fear gripped her heart, something else had taken root as well.  Butterflies, that had long since been dormant, fluttered in her chest.  It had been so long since she last felt them that she wasn’t even sure what the sensation was at first.  Her breath caught in her throat.  She was completely thrown.  “What do you expect me to say to that?”

Jim lowered his gaze to the ground once more as he silently begged for it to open up and swallow him whole.  He saw the fear in her eyes, and he hated that he was the one who he put it there—that his declaration petrified her.  With every passing second, he felt more and more dejected. He should have been better prepared for her reaction, but he just wasn’t.  Because despite the fact that she was engaged to someone else, he just knew that she felt the same way or at the very least, felt something more for him other than friendship.  When he couldn’t stand the silence any longer, he looked back up at her.  “I just needed you to know…once.”  Tears began to form in the corners of his eyes, but instead of forcing them back down, he allowed them to surface.  He didn’t care about how vulnerable he seemed at that moment.  His was only concerned about her and what she’d say next.

Pam found it difficult to form any sort of cohesive thought. She diverted her gaze from him in an attempt to gather some semblance of a response and figure out some way to communicate that response to him.  “Well…I…um…” Her heart raced.  Her palms had started to sweat and it felt as if a strong wind could easily knock her over. _Jim loved her?_ The same Jim that she conspired with to play pranks on Dwight? The same Jim that she shared nearly every lunch with in the last three years?  The same Jim who had been there for her every time Michael brought her to tears or when Roy would make some offensive remark around her?

_Roy._

She was engaged—to Roy.  Roy was her fiancé.  They had been engaged for well over three years, which was longer than she had known Jim. Roy knew her better than anyone else did.  They had been together since high school.  He was her first love, her first kiss, her first—everything.  After planning it for years, they were finally going to get married in a few short weeks.  There was no other option.  The deposits had been made.  The invitations had gone out.  She had just gotten her dress back from getting the necessary alterations.  Everything was ready, but now this?  Jim decided to tell her how he felt now?  Why couldn’t he have said it sooner?

She couldn’t possibly turn her back on Roy now.  Not after everything.  She shook her head once more before she dared to look back up at Jim.  The look on his face, the pain she instantly recognized, the tears that had formed around the brim of his eyes, broke her heart.  “I…I can’t.”

Jim’s gaze returned to the ground before he shifted his weight to his other foot.   “Yeah.” It hurt a thousand times more than he ever thought possible.  He thought it couldn’t possibly be worse than the night of the Booze Cruise.  He had to watch Roy announce a date to everyone. He kept silent as she positively beamed over the fact, but to top it all off, Jim had been forced to toast the happy couple, thanks to his (now ex) girlfriend.  That night nearly destroyed him, but this?  It felt like a thousand knives had stabbed him all at once. 

Pam’s heart lurched the moment his gaze fell back to the ground.  He didn’t deserve this.  He never deserved this.  She was with Roy long before they ever met, and he couldn’t blame her for that.  Still, she never wanted to hurt Jim.  Hurting him meant hurting herself.  She was breaking her own heart with her words and she just wanted to go back—go back to the beginning, go back to before things got weird between them, go back to his first day at the office and just start over. Maybe then they wouldn’t be standing in the middle of the road having what had to be the worst conversation of her life.  Maybe then he would have spoken up sooner or she would have been braver.  There were so many ‘maybes’ and ‘what ifs’ running through her mind that tears had filled in her eyes.  “You have no idea—“

He looked back up.  “Don’t do that.”  The last thing in the world he wanted to hear at that moment was some minor consolation for confessing his unrequited love.  He didn’t want to hear about how he was a good co-worker or friend or how she had fun with him or whatever it was she was about to say.

“—what your friendship means to me.”

His heart completely plummeted from his chest at her words.  This was a million times worse than the Booze Cruise or how he felt after he confessed that he was the one who made the complaint about her last week.  This took all of the awkward moments that had sprouted between them and made them look like heaven on earth.  It felt as if his entire world had gone up in smoke.  He could feel his very existence slipping away. He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take, but he knew he had to stay.  He had to hear every horrible word. He couldn’t leave anything left unsaid because he didn’t want to have even an iota of hope for the future.  “Come on.  I don’t wanna do that.” He paused for a moment before he made his feelings perfectly known to the woman who held his heart in a vice grip.  “I wanna be more than that.”

This was sheer agony.  Pam was convinced that this had to be what hell was.  On some level, she knew that he had a crush on her or something at one point, but he loved her?  He was in love with her?  He wanted to be more than friends?  Now?  The logical side of her—the side that always won out in the end—once again reminded her about all of the preparations she had made for her wedding.  The last several years had led to this, and she couldn’t back out now.  She had an obligation she had to fulfill, no matter how much her heart ached for the man who stood in front of her.  “I can’t.”

He couldn’t stand to look her in the eyes anymore. The hurt, the excruciating pain that coursed through his veins at her words was more than he could bear.  He was still the same Jim he was five minutes earlier—hell, three years ago.  He was in love with a woman, who was engaged to another man.  Only now, he knew he never had a chance.  Now, he knew that those little moments he had clung onto for the last three years—those stolen glances, the laughter, the smiles, the hugs, that kiss at Chili’s—was simply between two friends.  She never thought that there was anything more to it, had never considered him as an alternative.  He was just Jim Halpert: good friend.

She wanted to reach out and touch him, hug him, beg him to take it all back so they could go back to who they used to be.  She didn’t want this.  Maybe if she had allowed herself the chance to think about it for more than a few moments, she would have realized where they were headed.  Maybe if all of this had happened a few years ago—even just one year ago—things could be different, but it was simply too late now.  “I’m really sorry…if you misinterpreted things.”  Her conscience would never allow her to fully admit it, but she knew that he hadn’t misinterpreted anything.  Their friendship was something special. Somewhere along the line, he became her best friend, and somewhere further down the line, feelings for him—not of the friend variety—had developed.  When she realized it, she should have stepped back.  She should have pulled away from him, but she didn’t.  Instead, some selfish part of her held on even tighter.  She wasn’t sure why.  She was horrible.  She was greedy.  She was the worst kind of person, because she never wanted it to be like this.  “It’s probably my fault.”  As a solitary tear finally escaped from his red-brimmed eyes, Pam’s heart finally broke.  This had to be the worst moment of her entire life.  When he didn’t even bother to swipe it away, she knew that it was his, too.

 _‘Misinterpreted things.’_   It repeated like a mantra over and over again in his head.  He already knew that must have been the case, but to actually hear her confirmation brought on an entirely new level of pain for Jim.  Every moment they shared seemed so hollow now.  Some of the best moments of the last three years—hell the best moments of his entire life—were spent with her, and now she was telling him that he had misinterpreted things?  He knew he asked for this clarification in order to wipe away any trace of hope that lingered, but God, the hopelessness he was left with was indescribable. 

He knew at that moment that he needed to get away from there, away from Scranton, away from Pennsylvania.  For the first time since the day he met her, he knew—for the sake of his own sanity—that he had to put some distance in between them.  “Not your fault,” he managed to utter with the best smile he could muster.  He didn’t want her to feel bad.  He never wanted her to feel bad.  You can’t help whom you love, and unfortunately for him, she was in love with someone else.  “I’m sorry I misinterpreted uh…” By some miracle, he found the strength to walk around her as he swiped away the pathetic tear that had dared to escape from his eyes, “our friendship.”

He took approximately five steps away from her before he spun around to face her once more.  His lips formed a thin line as he briefly considered not telling her the very thing he had intended to, but since he had already obliterated their entire friendship, there was nothing else for him to lose.  “Pam?”  The slight tremor in his voice betrayed the steeliness he had hoped to possess.

Pam slowly turned to face him.  Just a minute ago, he seemed so vulnerable and honest, but when she forced herself to look at what she had done to him, she noticed that his eyes seemed cold, practically lifeless.  “Yeah?”

“You don’t have to worry about things being awkward in the office.”  On some level, he knew he was being callous, but if she didn’t care, then why should he?

Pam wasn’t quite sure how to respond.  On the one hand, she desperately wanted things to go back to how they used to be, but on the other hand, she wasn’t sure how they possibly could.  Maybe given some time things could settle down, but she knew even then that they would never be quite the same again.

When he realized that she wasn’t going to say anything in response, Jim stuffed his hands into his front pockets.  “I’m transferring to Stamford on Monday.”

* * *

_‘I’m transferring to Stamford on Monday.’_

_‘Transferring to Stamford.’_

_‘Stamford.’_

Over and over again, his words echoed through the recesses of Pam’s mind when she finally re-entered the makeshift casino. Several of the people who worked in the building had already left, but most of the Dunder-Mifflinites remained as they played poker and roulette, seemingly oblivious to the fact that one of them—the only one who really mattered—was leaving.

Jim was transferring to Stamford.

Pam blinked several times as she passed by the various gaming tables.  She could hear Michael’s boisterous laughter on the other side of the warehouse and wondered if he knew.  He couldn’t possibly know, she deduced, because he would have told everyone, would have made some sort of scene, and then would have tried to concoct some sort of scheme to get Jim to stay in Scranton.

As Pam looked around the room, she wondered if she was the only one who knew?

She found one of the makeshift bars and plopped down. She propped her elbows on the table and held her head in her hands as she tried to make sense of that entire conversation.

When one of the bartenders came up and asked her what she wanted, she initially waved them off, but after seeing a flash of that lone tear, Pam quickly changed her mind.  “Rum and coke,” she spoke up.  “Make it a double.”

Jim wasn’t faring much better.  He considered going home.  He had a lot of packing to do—well, all of it, actually.  He hadn’t even begun the process because until about ten minutes ago, he wasn’t sure if he’d actually do it.  Pam had made her feelings known.  She was going to marry Roy and not only was she not in love with him, but she also had never even considered the possibility of being with him.  As he walked towards his car, he remembered that Mark was staying at his girlfriend’s house that night.  The prospect of sitting at home alone with all of these thoughts running through his mind seemed less than appealing, so he turned around and walked back toward the warehouse.  Maybe someone could distract him.  Maybe he could come up with some sort of prank to pull on Dwight, a last hurrah, if you will.  Or, maybe he could help Michael with his two-date situation.

And why did he tell her he was leaving on Monday?  He still had two more weeks left at the Scranton branch.  Maybe he could speak with Jan again?  Maybe he could transfer sooner or take some time off to focus on the move?

Unfortunately for Jim, the moment he stepped back inside the warehouse, his eyes fell to Pam, who sat at one of the small bars scattered across the room.  She was staring at whatever drink she had ordered as she swirled her straw around the glass.  His legs suddenly felt like lead. He felt trapped, forced to stare at the woman who had just broken his heart.  She must have felt his eyes on her, because a few seconds later, she lifted her gaze and their eyes locked.

The moment her green eyes landed on his, the heaviness Jim felt evaporated.  He quickly diverted his stare as he walked to the opposite site of the warehouse to sit at a different bar.  He ordered a shot of whiskey and quickly gulped it down before ordering another. The conversation with Pam had completely and utterly sobered him up.  He wanted the searing pain of the evening to go away for a while.  He knew he wouldn’t find solace in the alcohol he was consuming at a fairly rapid rate, but as he downed the second shot, he hoped that it would at least provide him with a few hours of numbness.

Pam was acutely aware of the fact that Jim had chosen to go to the bar furthest away from her.  She wasn’t surprised, but it didn’t make her feel any better.  As she waited for her second drink to arrive, she began to replay every single exchange she had ever had with him, from the moment they met until the moment she saw him re-enter the warehouse.  It felt like a movie, some sort of romantic comedy that swerved into a tragedy that could rival the best of Shakespeare’s. They were memories that she had cherished until about twenty minutes ago.  Now they felt like remnants of a life she wished she could reclaim.  They already seemed like reflections of another life, a life that was no longer hers.

He was leaving.

When her second drink arrived, she realized that he was already gone.

It was over.  They were over.

She felt the tears coming.  Her chest hurt.  Her mind was filled with hundreds of images of Jim: the guy who made work a little more bearable, the guy who always managed to make her laugh at the most ridiculous things, the guy who always found a way to be there for her, even when she didn’t ask for him to be.  He was compassionate, patient, sweet, funny, smart.  He was so many things that her fiancé wasn’t.  She had never really taken the time to compare the two men before. Sure, she had a few fleeting thoughts about how she wished Roy could be more like Jim, but she also chased them away because it always felt like comparing apples to oranges.  They were two completely different people and she had known Roy a lot longer.  Of course it was easy for her to point out his flaws because she had known him since high school.  It wasn’t a fair fight, really.

But now, as she took another sip of her drink, as her carefully constructed defenses slowly crumbled away, she began to think about the differences between the two men.

As Pam mentally assembled a pro and cons list comparing Jim and Roy, Jim drank his way through his heartache.  The last thing he wanted to do was think about anything.  He knew he would need to stop after his third shot or else he’d never be able to get home, but the temptation to drink himself into oblivion had never been stronger.  He forced himself not to look back in her direction.  Truth be told, he wasn’t entirely sure she was still there.

_No._

_That was a lie._

He could feel her there.  It was an instinct he had picked up over his three-year stint at Dunder Mifflin.  He could always sense when she was around.  There could be a hundred people in a room and he’d know if Pamela Morgan Beesly was among them.  He always marveled at his ability to do that, but now, he hated it.  His sixth sense now mocked him, because what was the point?

Pam fidgeted with her necklace as her mind raced.  She shouldn’t do this.  She was engaged.  She couldn’t possibly be thinking about someone else.  It was too late.  It was all over.  Why? Why did she let her guard down? Why did she force herself to consider the possibility that maybe she had more than a harmless attraction to Jim Halpert?

He was leaving.

He was transferring to Stamford and she was never going to see him again.  Her breath caught in her throat at the very real possibility that it would be the last conversation they’d ever have.  He’d have no reason to contact her once he moved, and he said he was transferring on Monday.  The thought of walking into the office on Monday just to see his desk emptied was too much to bear.  She squeezed her eyes shut before she quickly downed the remaining contents of her drink and slid off the barstool.  As she made her way through the warehouse, she realized that there were only about a dozen or so people left.  Still, it seemed as if there were a dozen too many.  She needed to talk to someone.  She needed to verbalize everything she was feeling at that exact moment before she imploded.

As she breezed by Jim, he turned around and watched her climb the stairs toward the office.  He furrowed his eyebrows.  Where was she going?

When the door closed behind her, he spun back around. Was that it then?  Was that the last time he’d ever see her?

* * *

 

As Pam stepped into the office, she brought her hand to her forehead.  She could feel the numbing effects of the alcohol she consumed begin to take effect, but her heart still raced.  She walked over to her desk and lightly ran her fingers across it as she slowly wandered around the place she had worked at for the last four years.  When she looked up at the office space in front of her, she bit her bottom lip.  Four years, one of which was spent without knowing Jim.  It was hard for her to recall a time before he had shown up.  That was how uneventful her life had been before his arrival. 

Her eyes landed on his desk, still covered with all of his personal effects.  She wondered when he planned to pack everything up.  She swallowed as she walked toward his desk.  She glanced at the pictures that sat next to his computer. There were several: pictures of his parents, his siblings, and his friends.  In each one, he wore that contagious, goofy smile.  She knew she didn’t have a right to touch his things, but in her slightly inebriated state, she couldn’t help but to pick up a picture of Jim and his brothers.  It had been taken around Christmas, as evidenced by the decorated tree in the background.  Jim stood in the middle, his arms stretched out around the shoulders of his brothers. It was hard to imagine, but the lanky Jim Halpert was the shortest son of the Halpert clan.  It was a fact that she had teased him mercilessly over the moment she first saw the picture.  She sighed as she traced the outline of his figure.  Would she ever see that smile again?

It was late—nearly midnight—but when Pam sat the picture back down, she picked up his phone and called her mother.  She needed to talk to someone and her mother was the only person she could think of who could possibly understand what she was feeling. She was grateful that her mom didn’t seem groggy or irritated when she answered the phone.  It would have only made Pam feel a hundred times worse.  She wrapped the phone cord around her fingers and leaned back against Jim’s desk as she poured her heart out to the person who knew her best.

* * *

He needed to go home.  He needed to sleep it off, get up in the morning, and call Jan about the transfer.  Still, as he watched the dealers pack up their tables, he wondered why Pam had gone upstairs.  Unless she took the elevator back down, she was still up there. 

As much as he didn’t want to think about their conversation, it began to replay in his mind.  He scrutinized every syllable she uttered and every look she gave him.  She was surprised by his admission, but not too surprised.  She seemed scared when he confessed how he felt, not repulsed, like he initially thought. Then, her words bounced through him.  _‘I can’t.’_   That had been her response.  It wasn’t an _‘I don’t love you’_ or an _‘I don’t see you in that way’_.  Yes, she said that she was sorry if he had misinterpreted things, but she never actually told him that she didn’t have any feelings for him.  She simply told him that she couldn’t.

And of course she’d feel that way because she was engaged and she was Pam.  He loved this woman with every fiber of his being, but one thing she had a hard time dealing with was change.  She always went with the flow and seemed to accept whatever life handed her.  What if her _‘I can’t’_ meant that she couldn’t even consider the possibility because she had already made a promise to Roy?  What if she did care?  Jim had a hard time swallowing the fact that everything they shared was strictly platonic and as he replayed their conversation once more, he became even more convinced that there was something she wasn’t telling him. 

He looked back at the door in which she had disappeared behind about fifteen minutes earlier.  He had to see if she was still up there.  As heartbroken as he felt, as hopeless as it seemed, he couldn’t just leave it like that. 

* * *

Pam had gone through an entire gamut of emotions twice during the conversation with her mother.  She started out in hysterics, which ushered in a bout of sobbing, and finally a few soft laughs as her mother regaled her with a story about her own romantic complications when she was younger.  Then, when Pam spoke once again, she dissolved into an amalgamation of tears and hysteria as she expressed her fear that she’d never see him again.

Her mother listened patiently and tried to console her daughter the best way she knew how.  All she could do was listen and let Pam explain everything.  She knew her daughter.  Ever since she was a child, Pam had always been so passive, had always let life happen to her instead of taking control of her own destiny.  It was something she had inherited from her father, but Pam’s mother never challenged her to create a life for herself outside of what was considered ‘safe’.

Until now.  She wasn’t forceful.  Oh no. Being forceful with Pam meant backing her into a corner, and when Pam felt like she was backed into a corner, she would completely shut down.

So instead, her mother danced around the most obvious question until she felt like her daughter was ready to hear it.

When her mother spoke, Pam wrapped the phone cord a little tighter around her finger.  She called her mother for advice in the middle of the night.  The least she could do was to be brutally honest with her.  “Umm, yeah he’s great.”  She could still hear the quiver in his voice as she tried to stave off another wave of tears.  She knew she had to pull herself together.  It was the only way she was going to make it out of this with her sanity still intact.  “Yeah, I think I am.”

She straightened her posture when she noticed a slight movement out of the corner of her eye.  When she glanced up at the door, her breath caught in her throat.  Her bottom lip quivered as she stood up and turned her back toward him. “Um, I have to go.” Her heart slammed against her chest as she tried to process the fact that he was here, and once again, they were alone.  “I will.” She quickly hung up the phone and turned to face Jim, whose gaze seemed to be glued to the floor as he walked toward to her.  She took a deep breath before she tried to put the last half hour into actual words.  “Listen…Jim—”

Jim didn’t even consider the ramifications of what he was about to do.  He couldn’t second-guess himself now.  He wasn’t sure who she was on the phone with, nor did he really care at the moment.  He couldn’t even comprehend the fact that she had addressed him.  The moment he stepped into that office, the last three years of his life rushed back at him, and at the center of it all was a curly haired receptionist.  Maybe she did care?  Maybe she was just scared about what would happen next? 

Without a word, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pressed his lips to hers.  Even through closed lips, he tasted the saltiness of the tears she had shed, tears he had forced from her.  He never wanted this.  He never wanted to see her cry, let alone be the reason for it.  Despite the pang in his heart, he poured his soul into that chaste kiss.  He needed her to feel the last three years in those brief seconds.  He needed her to know that if she were willing to change the course of her life, she wouldn’t have to do it alone.

Pam was surprised by the kiss.  Her jumbled thoughts about the future dissolved the moment she felt his lips against hers.  Some small part of her knew that this was a mistake, that she needed to stop this before it got worse, but heart refused to let her.  She could feel herself slowly melt into him as she placed her hands on either side of his face.  She had to know this was real and not some bittersweet dream.

Everything and nothing flew through Jim’s mind when their lips connected once more.  The sensation of her hands pressed against his cheeks assured him that there was definitely more to the story than what he was initially led to believe, but he couldn’t think about those complications right now.  This was what mattered.  This was the moment—their moment.  Even if she rejected him again, even if it changed nothing, he now had something to hold onto to: the moment when Pam Beesly returned his kiss with one of her own.

Their second kiss lasted a little bit longer before their lips parted and they melted into one another for one fleeting moment.  Pam knew she could get completely lost in this moment with him, but the conversation with her mother reverberated through her mind as the softness of Jim’s mouth surrounded her bottom lip.  She slowly slid her hand down from his cheek to his chest, where it rested for a moment before she gently nudged him away from her.

Silence permeated the air around them as they tried to process what had just happened and what was supposed to happen next.  Pam had never felt more conflicted in her entire life.  Those damn butterflies ricocheted off of her ribs as her heart did a somersault.  All the while, she felt even more confused than before, practically morose at the thought that not only had he had kissed her, but she eagerly kissed him back.  That kiss left her with more questions than answers and she was grateful that his desk was right behind her.  She leaned against it, fearful that her knees would buckle from the sheer emotion she felt from that sweet kiss.  Jim’s arms remained wrapped around her waist, although they had loosened their grip. She knew he had done that on purpose in order to give her an out if she wanted one.

But that was the problem: she wasn’t sure if she wanted to escape.

Jim expected her to get angry and leave.  Despite the fact that she pushed him away, he remained well aware of the fact that her hand still rested on his chest.  He knew he looked like hell.  He knew he had put her through hell.  He knew he shouldn’t have just kissed her after their earlier conversation, but he was desperate.  He was starved for the truth.  He had to gain some clarity, some explanation as to why he had perceived his relationship with her so differently than what she said it actually was.

It had been a moment of selfishness for him.  He was inebriated, but not completely out of his senses.  He wasn’t about to blame his impulsiveness on the alcohol because while he probably wouldn’t have done that sober, the moment he felt her hands on his face, he knew he’d never regret a second of it.  The only problem was that he was certain that she did.  Just as he was about to open his mouth to offer an apology, she spoke.

Her voice was soft, barely above a whisper.  “You shouldn’t have done that.”

Jim slowly lowered his head.  She sounded even more petrified than when they were outside. He never wanted this.  He never wanted her to outwardly fear him. God.  She was right.  He shouldn’t have done that.  In a moment of brash hopefulness, he thought that he missed something in their conversation, that maybe she reciprocated some sort of feelings for him, but now, he knew with absolute certainty that she didn’t.  “Yeah,” he answered just as softly as he slowly turned away from her. “You’re right.”

The moment his hands dropped from her hips, Pam felt a tightness in her chest.  “Jim?”

He lifted his head so he could look into her eyes. Her hand was still nestled on his chest, seemingly frozen on the spot.

Pam lowered her gaze to where she had touched him. “Y-Your heart’s racing.”

He glanced down at the hand pressed against his chest for a moment before he looked back up at her.  “Yeah.” Even through his clothing, he could feel the scorch from her touch.  “You…You have that affect on me,” he confessed in his next breath.  It was cheesy. It went beyond anything he’d ever think to tell someone, but it was the truth and Jim didn’t have the energy to sugar coat it.  His heart rate automatically accelerated whenever he looked at her, whenever they made eye contact, whenever they shared one of those rare moments of physical contact. At times, such as this one, he hated it with a passion.  Would he ever be able to be in the same room as her and not feel the physical effects of it?

“Are you sure it’s not the alcohol,” she softly laughed. It was a horrible attempt at a joke given everything that had happened between them, but she needed to know how much he had drunk.  She tasted whiskey on his lips, and even though she was fairly certain that he had tasted rum on hers, she knew that she was still fully in control of her senses. She had to know if he was still in control of his.

He shook his head and quelled the urge to wrap his arms around her once more.  _‘God.  She’s so close.’_ When she lowered her hand from his chest, it took all of the strength he had remaining to keep his hands by his sides.  “That wouldn’t explain why it does that every time I see you.”

Pam’s eyes ticked down to his chest for a second before she looked back up at him.  She could feel her heart rate accelerate at his words.  It sounded like a lame pick-up line, but as she stared into his emerald eyes, she knew that he was telling her the truth. “Every time?”

He nodded as he looked down at his desk.  “Since the day we met.”

She swallowed.  “Jim, I…”

He could feel it coming.  She was going to do it again.  She was going to tell him that she loved her fiancé and that she wanted to marry him.  He knew that at this point, he was breaking his own heart over and over again, but he also knew that he couldn’t leave without trying one last time.  He nodded, suddenly unwilling to hear the actual words.  “I know.”

When he turned away from her, Pam leaned forward and reached for his hand.  Desperation and a sense of urgency consumed her at the thought that she would never see him again.  When he turned back toward her, confusion marred his features.  She placed her other hand on the nape of his neck and after a beat, she pulled his head down toward hers.

Her lips quickly found his as she wrapped her arms around his neck.  When his hands encircled her waist once more, her lips parted.

The moment she pressed her lips to his, Jim became completely undone as years of self-restraint finally shattered.  One of his hands slid up her back to the nape of her neck before he finally tangled his fingers in her curls.  He reached nirvana the moment he felt her lips open against his. He moaned the second her tongue softly brushed against his bottom lip. When it finally slipped into his mouth, he furrowed his eyebrows as a wave of sheer ecstasy overcame him.  This was closer than he had ever been, but still…

…it wasn’t enough. 

Pam gasped when her feet suddenly left the floor underneath her.  In a flash, he had picked her up and sat her down at the edge of his desk.  Without breaking contact, Pam lowered one of her hands to his chest.  Jim was certain that she was going to stop him and claim that this was all a horrible mistake.  But instead of pushing him backward, her fingers slowly danced down his chest until she finally reached his stomach. In a completely unexpected move, she grabbed a fistful of his sweater and pulled him even closer to her.

It _still_ wasn’t close enough. 

Jim, beyond desperate to taste as much of her as she would allow, slid his lips down to her neck.  As he began to plant open-mouthed kisses along her jawline, her pulse quickened.  The small moan that slipped past her lips sounded like a symphony.  The sensation of her hands on his back sent shockwaves throughout his entire system.  He was dying for any part of her that she was willing to give.  He was even more determined to show her just how much he loved her.

When Jim lowered his hands to the small of her back in order to support her, she leaned her head back, which gave him complete access to her neck.  She ran her fingers through his hair the second he closed what little space remained between them.  The moment they kissed, every chaotic thought that had ran through her mind disappeared. Now, as his lips slowly traveled down to her collarbone, all other thoughts ceased to exist.  This moment with him was unlike anything she had ever experienced before.  Her entire body hummed with delight.  Her entire being was acutely aware of every single contact he made with her skin.  It was a type of high she had never experienced before and now that she had, she never wanted it to end.

In an attempt to get even closer, Jim stepped in between her legs and slowly laid her back against his desk.  He pulled his lips away from her clavicle, only to descend upon her slightly swollen mouth once more.  He was desperate for her.  He had to know that she still wanted this—that she wanted to be in this moment with him. When she eagerly responded to his kiss, he allowed his lips to curl up into the faintest of smirks.  That slight smirk quickly faded when she tugged on his sweater, which promptly brought him down on top of her.  The moment he fell, something dug into the left side of his body.  Reluctantly, he moved one of his hands away from the woman of his dreams in order to shove some of his stuff off of the desk.  Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that things were beginning to spiral out of control, but the combination of the alcohol he had consumed and the scent of her skin left him with no other option. He only wanted to get closer.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Pam heard him move some stuff out of the way.  Anxious to reclaim his full attention, she swept one of her arms out in order to push some of the very pictures she stared at earlier out of the way in order to give them a little more room.  She knew he didn’t mind her assistance when he smiled against her lips in return.  After he somehow managed to slide his monitor over to Dwight’s desk, she felt the full weight of his body press into her.   She released a sigh of pure contentment at the sensation. She felt safe now.

Jim breathed his own sigh of relief when he was finally able to refocus his attention on the woman in front of him.  He lightly ran his fingers down Pam’s arms until he reached her hands.  He slowly intertwined his fingers with hers before he lifted their hands up and placed them on either side of her head.  All the while, he continued to communicate his feelings for her through every single kiss they shared. 

And she definitely felt it.  She could feel how much this man loved her.  She knew that for him, this wasn’t just something that happened between two friends; rather, it was something that had been building up for a very long time. Suddenly, flashes of a life she had yet to experience coursed through her.  A different kind of future stretched out in front of her.  She felt the yearning and desperation in his kiss. She could feel how right all of this felt, how with one word, she could completely change their destinies.

And yet…

She knew it wouldn’t be that easy.

As that sobering thought echoed through her, Pam fell back to reality.  They weren’t nestled in a cocoon somewhere far from the world they had always known. They were literally smack dab in the middle of it.  She was on top of Jim’s desk in the middle of the office.  The small diamond on her engagement ring had dug into her skin as her fingers were intertwined with a man who wasn’t her fiancé. 

 _‘Oh God,’_ she lamented before a wave of nausea hit her.

What was she going to do now?

The first thing she did was disentangle her fingers from his.  Jim placed his hands on either side of her face, completely unaware of the fact that she had awoken from the magical spell that had enraptured them both.

She wanted to cry, scream, yell, but all she could manage to do was place her hand against his chest and push him away from her.

The moment he felt the pressure of her hand against his chest, Jim pulled his lips away from hers and stared into her horrified eyes. He maintained his position on top of her as his right thumb caressed her cheek.  He couldn’t mask the concern that filled his features.  “Are you ok?”

She still couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, couldn’t even breathe. This wasn’t who she was.  She wasn’t the type of person to do this, to throw caution to the wind and act purely based on impulse.  She wasn’t the type of person to clear off the contents of someone’s desk just to satiate some sort of forbidden desire.

And she definitely wasn’t the type of person to cheat on her partner—her _fiancé._

She blinked twice before she finally shook her head. She wasn’t ok.  She was so far removed from ok that the concept of being ok suddenly seemed like some sort of ridiculous fairytale parents told their children to help them sleep at night.  She was the worst type of person because while she had never intended for this to happen, she also didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as she did.

“We’ll…I’ll,” he softly amended, “I’ll stop.”  He knew he needed to get off of her, to help her to her feet, but for some reason, he couldn’t.  Perhaps it was because he knew exactly what was about to happen.  He knew that whatever she was about to say would completely negate the last five minutes and throw him back into the nightmarish abyss he had been living in for the last hour— _hell, for the last three years._

She expected him to get up.  She expected him to look away from her in disgust for leading him on, but he didn’t.  He seemed just as frozen as she was.  Maybe he realized the same thing she did.  She swallowed harshly.  _‘Maybe he’s glad he’s leaving.’_

Tears quickly welled up in her eyes. _‘He’s leaving.  He’s moving to Connecticut.  Come Monday morning, he won’t be at this desk.’_   They won’t be planning their next prank on Dwight or concocting some sort of scheme to get out of doing their work.  Eventually, he’ll become a memory, nothing more.  “Don’t go,” she hoarsely commanded.  She knew she had no right to ask him to stay, especially after everything she had put him through, but the words slipped out before she could swallow them.  Now that they hung in the air between them, she couldn’t possibly take them back.

Jim held his breath.  “What?”  Was it possible that she had changed her mind—that she wasn’t going to chalk this up to some drunken mistake?

“Please,” she begged as she fisted his sweater. “Please don’t leave.  Don’t go to Stamford.”

He wasn’t sure how to respond.  He felt her tremble from underneath him as tears cascaded down her cheeks.  He felt a lump form in his throat before he gathered the courage to ask her the one question he needed an answer to.  “Are you really going to marry him?”

His fingers were still tangled in her hair, his face only a few inches from hers.  Even though they had never been physically closer than this, Pam could feel the miles between them.  She had never been more torn about anything in her entire life.  This wasn’t a decision she could possibly make within the span of a few minutes or even a few hours.  Roy had been her world for nearly ten years.  It stood to reason that it would take time for her to sort out her feelings for both men.  The fact that she was even entertaining the idea spoke volumes to her about how much she cared about the man above her. 

The seconds seemed to stretch out into days as a palpable quietness hung in the air between them.  Somehow, Jim finally found the strength to stand up after two torturous minutes of silence.  Even though his legs quaked, he forced himself to walk toward the door, unwilling to hear whatever excuse she was about to give.  He didn’t want to hear how she couldn’t be with him because she was happy and in love with someone else.  He ran his fingers through his tousled hair as he forced himself not to turn around and beg for her to reconsider.  He knew that she had feelings for him.  He knew that Pam wouldn’t have kissed him, wouldn’t have let him kiss her if she didn’t.  But knowing that she had feelings for him was worse than thinking that she didn’t, because now the only thing that held them back was herself.

And in that regard, there was nothing more he could do. He said and did everything he possibly could.  He laid it all on the line, and she still rejected him.  The answer was right there in front of him: there was nothing left for him in Scranton.

Pam was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn’t even realize he was leaving.  When she finally sat up—her thoughts still in chaotic shambles—she tucked a loose tendril of hair behind her ear before she finally turned toward the door. “Jim?”

But he was already gone.


	2. It Felt Far

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm continuing this as a series. I'm not sure where it's headed or how much canon I'll use, but let's see where it goes.

 

* * *

 

“Dunder Miff—“

He thought he was ready. He thought that he would hear her voice again and he’d know that he made the right decision.

But he wasn’t.

The moment he heard her pick up the phone, the moment she uttered the first syllable of the greeting that had haunted him for the last month, he slammed the phone down.

He wasn’t ready.

It was one month later and everything still felt raw. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw her. Every time he entered the Stamford office, he saw her, which was ridiculous because—as far as he knew—Pam had never ventured to the Stamford branch of Dunder Mifflin. The office was laid out completely different than the office in Scranton, and yet, he his gaze still shifted toward the reception area every time he heard the phone ring. It was as if he expected her voice to ring out ‘Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.’

When he heard those first few syllables, he knew he wasn’t ready to face what he had left behind.

She had rejected him.

_Twice._

The events of that night—everything they did, everything they said, everything they didn’t say—had played on an endless loop from the moment he left her in the office. He didn’t look back. He couldn’t look back, but that didn’t stop him from constantly thinking about a certain strawberry-blonde receptionist back in Scranton.

Despite his best attempts, she remained at the forefront of his mind.

The urge to call her had been ever present, but had been particularly relentless over the last two weeks—ever since he found out that she called off her wedding to Roy.

He wanted to call and see if she was ok. He wanted to know if he had anything to do with it. He wanted to apologize for how he behaved that night and for leaving the way that he did. He wanted to take back every single word, even though he knew it would be a lie.

During the first several days, he thought she’d call. He thought that perhaps she’d show up in Stamford one day and tell him that she had been wrong, that she did have feelings for him. He thought she’d beg him to come back to Scranton so they could be together. He thought the universe would reward him for his patience, but it didn’t.

She didn’t call. She didn’t come to Stamford. She didn’t confess that she loved him or even that she missed him. He didn’t even hear about her breakup with Roy from her.

He heard it from Toby, of all people. It was only mentioned in passing, based on an off-handed remark during a lull in their conversation while Jim tried to locate some transfer paperwork Toby needed in order to finalize Jim’s employee file for the Scranton branch. As he thumbed through various papers in his bottom drawer, he heard Toby tell Pam that he hoped she’d have a good trip. The comment prompted Jim to ask Toby where she was headed since she was getting married that weekend. As Jim tried to balance the phone between his shoulder and his ear in order to search for the document with two hands, Toby informed him that the wedding had been cancelled. Jim lost his balance and dropped the phone at the news.  

The wedding had been called off.

From what Jim could glean from the following conversations with various members of the office, no one really knew why. They only knew that the wedding had been cancelled, and because they had a non-refundable deposit, Pam and her sister went to Hawaii for a week.

So, Jim decided to wait for her to return. He waited for her to call, to say something— _anything_ —but she never did.

He only managed to wait a week before he picked up the phone and dialed the Scranton branch.

The moment he heard her voice, he realized he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t ready to confront her about it. He wasn’t ready to discuss anything about that night or what happened with Roy. Deep down, he knew that she wasn’t ready either. If she were, she would have called, right?

So, after one last look at his phone, Jim turned around and forced himself to focus on the monitor in front of him.

He had work to do. 

* * *

“Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.”

Jim slowly hung up the phone. Two weeks later, and he still wasn’t ready. At least this time he was able to hear the entire greeting. At the beginning of ‘Dunder’, he thought he was ready to say ‘hello’, but by the time she said her name, words failed him. He had been gone for six weeks. Six weeks in a new office, a new city, a new state, and he was still getting acclimated to his new environment. He had to admit that he had done more work in the last six weeks than in the last year in Scranton. He wanted to blame it on the fact that there were fewer distractions in Stamford, but the truth was, filling his days with work left him little time to think about her.

She was still everywhere he went. He knew he was sinking into insanity, but feeling her everywhere somehow made him miss home less.

_Home._

For all of his complaining, all of his daydreaming about a different job in a different city, he failed to realize that Dunder Mifflin Scranton had become a second home. _‘No,’_ he quickly dismissed. Dunder Mifflin Scranton wasn’t home.  It was four walls and a means to an end.  Most of the people who worked there were nothing more than co-workers.  Over the last several weeks, Jim had only reached out to a few of the people he had spent the last three years working with.  Admittedly, he missed Michael’s antics.  He missed playing pranks on Dwight.  He was in a much more professional environment now.  His new co-workers weren’t nearly as entertaining, not that it was necessarily a bad thing.  It was just different.

No.  Dunder Mifflin Scranton wasn’t home.

_But she was._

Jim propped his elbows up on his desk before he leaned forward and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger.  He had to get over this.  It wasn’t healthy.  

He told her how he felt.  

She said she didn’t feel the same way.  

He left.  

_End of story._

Only, it didn’t feel like the end. She had called off her wedding. Or, maybe Roy was the one who called it off? Jim shook his head. No. That was impossible. As scared as Pam was to change any aspect of her world, Jim knew that Roy was less likely to disrupt the casual flow of his everyday life. Jim didn’t know the whole story. Part of him didn’t want to know, because that chapter of his life had ended. Hell, he had moved to a different state in order to get away from all of that.

So, why was he so adamant to gather the courage to speak to her?

* * *

Jim ran his finger along the rim of the rocks glass in front of him as he replayed Michael’s phone conversation over and over again. Well, it wasn’t the whole conversation that looped through his mind. There was only one part that held any interest for Jim. _‘Have fun on your date.’_

She was dating now?

Jim shook his head before he picked up the glass and took another swig. Josh left to attend a meeting with Jan about a potential new supplier. He insisted that Jim take the rest of evening off, but for once in his life, Jim didn’t want to have the night off. He didn’t want to be left alone with his thoughts and the memories of the brief phone conversation he overheard Michael have with Pam. It was the first time he had spoken to her since Casino Night. Well, technically, they didn’t speak to one another. He simply said ‘Hey Pam,’ when Michael prompted him, Dwight, and Josh to greet her. It could hardly be considered a conversation.

Then he heard Michael tell her to have fun on her date.

Jim ordered another drink before he finished the one in front of him. It had been two months since he moved, six weeks since he heard that she had broken off her wedding, and she was dating already? He thought that if he had given her some space and some time to process everything, he could find a way to work up the courage to call her, to speak to her, to try to not let the weight of Casino Night drift into his tone.

But he was too late. She had already moved on.

And he was just the chump who couldn’t seem to let it go.

He glanced at the clock on the wall. It was barely after 4:00pm. In a few hours, she’d be on a date with someone who wasn’t Roy, who wasn’t himself. Maybe she’d have the time of her life. Maybe he would end up being ‘the one’.

Jim sighed as the bartender handed him another drink. He quickly brought the glass to his lips and guzzled about half of it. He hadn’t consumed a drop of alcohol since Casino Night, but knowing that she had moved on brought everything back. He had been at the hotel bar for approximately fifteen minutes and was already on his third drink. He could feel the numbing effects of the alcohol he had consumed course through his body.

Good.

He needed it in order to gather the courage to do something he should have done six weeks ago.

He slammed back the rest of the drink, signed the bill, and made his way toward his hotel room. Courage filled him with every step he took. Determination set in when he reached the elevator, but by the time he stepped off the elevator, anger had taken over. Logically, he knew he had no right to be mad at her. She was simply living her life. She was in Scranton. He lived in Stamford now. She had ended her engagement to Roy and was trying to move on. Meanwhile, he was standing still, no closer to closure than he had been the moment he left her in the office that night.

Why was he the only one who couldn’t seem to move on? Why had it been so easy for her to do it?

The answer was simple. She really didn’t reciprocate his feelings.

He had barely entered his room before he pulled out his cellphone and dialed the number he knew by heart. His heart raced. His breathing was labored, but he was still determined. This was the key to it all—to finally letting go.

“Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.”

He opened his mouth to speak, to say something—anything—to the woman he loved. Only, just as before, words suddenly failed him. His determination evaporated the moment he heard her heavenly tone. It was the most mundane phone greeting in the world, but to him, it sounded like a symphony.

Jim felt completely frozen. The whiskey still swirled in his system, but now all of his confidence and determination—even anger—had dissipated. He was left standing still, just a shell of the man he once was. He felt hollow now. The sound of her voice reverberated through him. He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even think of anything to say in response.

He heard a shaky breath and, for a split second, thought it was his own. When it heard it again, he knew that—while his entire frame quaked—the sound wasn’t coming from him. 

“J-Jim?”

He hadn’t heard her say his name in two months. He had been without her for two months, and he was nowhere closer toward moving on. If anything, the grip she held on his heart strengthened during their separation. Will he ever break free or will he be forced to forever roam the earth in love with a woman who would never reciprocate his feelings?

His throat closed up as the sound of his name on her lips pierced his heart. The sound of his name spilling from her lips brought him back down to earth. He finally mustered the strength to hang up the phone. He slowly exhaled as he walked toward the hotel bed. When sat down at foot of the bed, he looked back down at his phone.

Two months had passed, and he still couldn’t seem to find the words.

Pam still gripped the handset long after the call was disconnected. She could hear her heart racing over the sound of the dial tone. Her body still trembled. Though the caller never said a word, she knew. Maybe she had finally gone crazy or, perhaps, it was just wishful thinking. It could have been anyone and she knew that Jim was at the convention in Philadelphia with Michael and Dwight. It could have just been a prank call or a wrong number or anything other than what she hoped. 

As reason seeped into her veins, she sat the handset down before she took a deep breath. Hearing his voice earlier that day had thrown her. Of course, it was mixed in with Dwight and Josh’s voices, but still, Pam could easily pick out his voice. It was the first time she had heard from him since that night, and even though it was only a quiet “Hey Pam”, her heart leapt at the sound. She knew he would be there, but she had no idea that she would actually hear his voice. The rest of her brief conversation with Michael passed in a blur because all she could think about was that “Hey Pam”. What did it mean? Was it a ‘Hey Pam I’m doing great without you around’ kind of greeting or was it more of an obligatory response since Michael told him to say hey or was it something else? Pam spent the following couple of hours analyzing two those syllables. Never in her life had she ever analyzed a greeting quite the way she scrutinized his.

When her phone rang just before 5:00, she was relieved. She needed something to distract her from her thoughts about Jim and refocus her energy on the date she was about to go on.

A date? Her stomach churned as she picked up the phone. When the caller didn’t respond to her greeting, she frowned. She could hear breathing on the other end of the line, so she knew someone was there. After a beat, her features softened. The caller still hadn’t spoken, but she could feel it—feel him. She had developed this sense during the last few months that he worked there. She could always tell when he was around. It had been two months since she last felt it, but the sensation was unmistakable.

She felt him.

She could hear herself communicate a mixture of desperation and fear when her voice quivered out his name. Had she been on his mind too? Was he ready to talk? Was he calling to clarify what his ‘Hey Pam’ meant?

And why hadn’t he said a word?

Pam looked down at the phone as she waited for him to call her back. As the minutes ticked by, her hope faded back to reality. She didn’t even know if it was Jim who had called, even though every fiber in her being screamed that it was. Still, why would he call her? He had no reason to. She had the sudden urge to pick up the phone and call him, but she refused. She tried that once. He never called her back, but she still heard him loud and clear. He had moved on, and now, she had to.

With a sense of renewed strength, she reached for her purse. She had a date to get ready for.

* * *

It had been a long, weird day. Keeping tabs on Michael all day forced Pam to neglect most of the work that was actually part of her job description. She had worked through lunch just to try to catch up, and now it was inching towards 5:30. “This is ridiculous,” she muttered as she stood up and reached for her coat. Most of her co-workers had left for the day and her boss was still asleep in his office. Pam still had a few things to catch up on, but when her stomach growled for the fifth time in the last ten minutes, she decided that shredding could wait until tomorrow. She had skipped breakfast that morning and never had the chance to eat her lunch, so it was nearing 24 hours since her last meal. All she wanted was to get home, eat everything in her refrigerator, and go to bed.

As she buttoned up her coat, her boss finally emerged from his office. “Hey, what time is it?”

“Twenty past five,” she responded. 

“AM or PM?” 

Pam cut her eyes to her desk for a moment before she looked back up at him. “PM.”

Michael still felt a little drowsy as he scanned the office. “Oh, good.”

“These came for you.” Pam picked up a stack of papers that sat on the top of her desk. “Contracts. Brent Coselli.” 

Michael walked toward the reception desk and took the papers from her. “Oh, Coselli. With the Jell-O.”

“This is a huge sale.”

He looked down at the stack of papers before he looked back up at Pam. “Yes, right. Good.”

As he walked away from her, Pam gave him a small smile. “Good night, Michael." 

“Good night,” he called out over his shoulder.

Pam turned off her computer before she reached for her purse. When she took two steps toward the door, her phone rang. She briefly considered ignoring it as her stomach growled once more, but when it continued to ring, she walked back toward her desk and picked up the phone. “Dunder Mifflin.”

Jim was completely taken aback by the fact that she had actually answered the phone. “Ah, hey.” He had to admit to himself that he was surprised he could say anything. It had to be because he didn’t expect her to answer the phone and because he was able to respond without giving himself a second to analyze the potential consequences.

Pam wasn’t nearly as good at concealing her surprise. “Oh my God.” With those two words, the frustration of her long workday evaporated. Had starvation taken over? Was she hallucinating? Had she passed out in the middle of the floor and was now dreaming?

“Hi.” He marveled that he was able to speak again. Granted, it was another greeting, but it was a lot more than what he was able to do for the last few months.

A million thoughts ran through her mind. Why was he calling? She wasn’t sure how she was still standing. Her knees had slightly buckled at the mere sound of his voice. “Hi,” she managed to softly respond.

He knew the moment he heard it that her soft ‘hi’ would fill his dreams that night. He swallowed before he spoke once again. “Sorry, I forgot Kevin’s extension. It’s a fantasy football thing.” That sounded completely lame, but it was the truth. After three months in Stamford, Jim had begun to forget some of the little things back in Scranton, like Kevin’s extension number.

She tried to hide the disappointment she felt at hearing his reason for calling. “Oh.” It made sense. It was after 5:00. He probably figured that she wouldn’t be there. God. What if he waited until after 5:00 to call just to avoid her?

“And I was…I was just going to go through the system cause I didn't think you'd be there.” He knew the words were rushing out, but he couldn’t seem to slow their speed. He was afraid that if he did, he’d clam up and be unable to speak again. Only this time—instead of assuming it was a wrong number—Pam knew the caller. He tried to clear his mind as he looked down at his desk. “Why are—why are you still there?”

She felt awkward. This was awkward. Hearing him confirm the fact that he had anticipated her not being there hurt, but she knew she deserved that and more. “I had to work late. Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day.”

Jim couldn’t help but to smile at that little piece of information. It was oddly comforting to know that some things were still the same. “Wow. Do you think you could send me a copy of that?”  
  
“Yeah, totally.” She could feel the tension in her shoulders as she gripped the phone. She waited for him to say something else, to ask to be transferred to Kevin’s extension, but he didn’t.

  
“So...” they both began in unison.  
  
Pam continued. “Do you...”  
  
Jim looked down. “Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead.” _‘Say something,’_ he silently begged. _‘Anything. Please.’_

  
She wasn’t even sure what she was going to ask him. She just wanted to say something to keep him there so they wouldn’t have to say goodbye so quickly. It had taken them over three months to get to this moment and she wasn’t sure when— _or if_ —there would be a next time. “Uh, no, I um…” she stammered. Why was this so difficult? Talking to Jim used to be as easy as breathing. Now, they both seemed to be struggling to form simple sentences and she hated it. For what had to be the millionth time since it happened, she wished she could go back to that night and change everything. “Everything's pretty much the same here,” she finally offered lamely. God, did she sound as desperate as she felt?  
  
“Oh, good.” Things were the same. That was good, only, they hadn’t changed at all for her? Had his presence meant so little?  
  
“A little different,” she quickly admitted. What she wanted to tell him was that everything had changed. Her life wasn’t the same anymore and the same office she had worked in for the last four years felt completely different now. She wanted to cry, confess that she missed him, beg him to move back, but instead, she decided to go for small talk. “What time is it there?”  
  
He watched as one of his co-workers headed toward the door. “What time is it here?” He looked at his monitor. Had he meant so little to her that she couldn’t even remember where he had transferred? “Um, we're in the same time zone.”  
  
Pam laughed nervously. “Oh, yeah. Right.” _‘Good job, Beesly.’_  
  
Even though it was soft and far too short, he couldn’t help but to smile at the sound of her laugh. It felt like it had been years since he last heard it. “How far away did you think we were?”  
  
“I don't know. It felt far.” The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could reconsider them. _‘So much for small talk.’_ She wished she could see him, could see his reaction. Instead, she was forced to endure another wave of awkward silence. Pam closed her eyes as she braced herself for whatever came next.  
   
Jim’s smile faded as her words pierced through him. “Yeah.” Far felt like an understatement. It felt as if they were on completely different planets. As silence hung between them, the aftermath of the distance he put in between them began to take effect. He was the one to leave, but she was the one who pushed him to. It wasn’t her fault. It was his. She never asked him to fall in love with her, but he did it anyway. He was the one to confess how he felt and she was the one who shot him down—twice. For his own sanity he had to leave in order to get some distance between himself and the woman on the other end of the line, and yet, he was frustrated by the fact that they had forgotten how to communicate with one another. Granted, this was the first time in months that he had been able to actually utter anything to her, but still, the silence of the last three months pressed itself down on their conversation. Maybe he should just let sleeping dogs lie and say goodbye to her, but the masochistic side of him couldn’t let her go just yet. He needed another moment with her, because he wasn’t sure when the next would come. So, he leaned back in his seat and mustered up the most lighthearted tone he could when he spoke once more. “I have a question for you.”  
  
Pam slowly sunk down in her chair. Despite the fact that particular sentence put the fear of God in her, there was something in his tone that indicated that whatever he was about to ask wasn’t going to pertain to anything significant. “What?”  
  
“How many words per minute does the average person type?”  
  
“I type 90.”  It was random, but a much needed ice breaker given the hole she had stepped into a moment ago.  
  
“Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90.”  
  
She smiled. “It's true.”  
   
“Ok, I said average.”   
  
Pam thought about it for a moment. “Seventy,” she guessed. “How many do you type?”  
  
Jim chuckled as he leaned forward and rubbed his forehead in embarrassment. “Forget it. I was just about to brag. Forget it.”  
  
Pam’s eyes sparkled as she chuckled in response to his answer. “Come on. Tell me.”  
  
Jim’s cheeks reddened as he rubbed his eye. As much as he missed her, he was grateful that she wasn’t in the same room with him right now. He knew that she would tease him mercilessly if she saw how flushed he had become. “No.”  
   
Pam’s cheeks ached as she smiled. She hadn’t smiled this much in months. Those muscles weren’t used to that particular workout anymore. “You have to tell me now.”  
   
“Sixty-five.” His smile widened when he heard her softly chuckle on the other end of the line. “Ok, no need to laugh.”  
   
She leaned back in her chair as she reveled in the sudden easy flow of their conversation. “No, it's—that's respectable.”  
   
“Respectable?”

* * *

She wasn’t entirely sure how long they had been on the phone with one another. She only knew that this was exactly what she wanted after the day she had. Gone were the hunger pains and stomach growls. Gone were the awkward silences and gut-wrenching longing. They were simply immersed in this light-hearted conversation that had defined their friendship for nearly three years. “So, ok, I'm watching the movie, by myself…”  
  
“Right.”  
  
“Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home...”  
  
Even though he had no idea where her story was headed, he couldn’t help but to laugh at the enthusiasm in her tone. “Ok.”  
  
“And, I'm freaking out.”  
   
“Yeah.”   
  
“That movie is so scary!”  
  
Jim laughed again. God, when was the last time he had laughed this much? “I know!”  
  
“But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up.”  
  
There it was. The epic payoff he knew was coming. He couldn’t hide the incredulous tone in his voice. “No way. How do you confuse ‘28 Days’ with ‘28 Days Later’?”  
  
“Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box.”  
  
“No, you're making this up!”  
  
She hadn’t realized how much she missed his laughter until that moment. “Would I make that up?”  
  
“Yes. Fancy New Beesly would make that up. New apartment, new stories…”  
  
He was openly teasing her now, but she didn’t care. She missed this. She missed him. “Oh, yeah, my fancy new apartment,” she sarcastically mimicked. “I have one bedroom, one bathroom, and a closet.”  
   
“And how many kitchens?”  
  
“I have one kitchen.” Her apartment was tiny, but she loved it. It had become this symbol of independence for her. For the first time in her life, she was on her own. She didn’t have to compromise with how she decorated, what she ate, when she went to bed. She could watch anything she wanted to without worrying that someone would come in and change the channel. She didn’t have to constantly argue about where to eat or what to do. Sure, she was lonely sometimes, but her tiny apartment was hers and hers alone.  
  
“Wow, you got totally taken for a ride, Beesly.”  
  
“It's actually—“  
  
“Most apartments these days have like three.”  
  
She chuckled as she heard the door open. “Three kitchens?” She looked up as Dwight and Ryan entered the office. They both looked like hell. Dwight’s shirt was untucked and his hair was completely mussed. Ryan, for his part, seemed a little more put together physically, but he stumbled slightly on his way to Jim’s—well, now _his_ desk. Pam covered the transmitter with one hand as she looked at Scranton’s newest salesman. “Hey, Ryan, are you ok?”  
  
Jim frowned when he heard some scratching sound on the other end of the line. He heard Pam’s voice, but couldn’t quite make out what she was saying. “Pam?”  
  
Ryan opened up one of the desk drawers and grabbed his keys. “Yeah.” He waited a beat. After the day he had with Dwight, was he ok? “Yeah,” he finally decided before he walked back toward the door.  
  
Jim leaned forward in his seat. “Pam?”  
  
Pam watched as Dwight and Ryan left the office without another word. What the hell happened to them today? “Um…ok…bye!”  
  
Jim sighed. Those words he heard loud and clear. In the back of his mind, he knew that this conversation would eventually end, but did it have to be so suddenly? Did she have plans tonight? Was it another date? He swallowed. “Oh...yeah…I should…I should…I should probably go too.”  
  
Pam wasn’t sure why she suddenly gestured toward the door. It wasn’t like he could see her, but she felt frantic. She didn’t want their conversation to end yet. “No, I was um...”  
  
“I don’t know.” He could feel the lines of communication breaking down between them—and he hated it. God, why did things have to be this way? _‘Because she doesn’t love you and you’re still in love with her, dumbass.’_  
  
“You have to go?” She didn’t want him to, but what else could she do? She couldn’t hold him hostage over the phone and make him have a conversation with her just because this was exactly what she needed after the last couple of months.  
  
“Yeah, uh—“  
  
“No, I should probably go too.” She didn’t want to make this any more awkward than it had to be. She couldn’t expect him to spend his entire night on the phone with her. Maybe he had plans and she was holding him up from them.  
   
“Ok.”  
  
“I mean, yeah.”  
  
“Yeah.” He couldn’t hide the disappointment in his tone. The carefree conversation they were in the middle of not even two minutes earlier had suddenly been replaced by the awkwardness that permeated between them when she first answered the phone. Still, he didn’t want to hang up. He’d rather be awkward with her than go through the next few months (or however long it might be) without hearing from her again. Still, someone had to be the first to say it and for some reason, he couldn’t bear for it to come from her. “Bye Pam.”  
   
“Wait,” she suddenly commanded as her gaze drifted over to Ryan’s desk, the desk that used to be Jim’s. She closed her eyes for a moment as memories of Casino Night ran through her mind. She could still feel his heartbeat underneath the palm of her hand, the way she shivered when he touched her, and the fire he ignited the moment his lips brushed against hers. She had forced herself to avoid looking at that desk because the memories hurt too much, but for just a few seconds, she allowed herself to replay those stolen moments. “Jim?”  
   
It practically came out in a whisper, a whisper that nearly threw him over the edge. “Yeah?” His voice slightly quivered.  
   
Pam slowly opened her eyes. She wasn’t sure when she’d get another chance. “Did you…” Her heart raced. How was she supposed to ask him about that day? What if her instincts were wrong and he wasn’t the one who called her? What about the voicemail she left him that he never responded to? Even now, they had talked for—she glanced at the clock on the back wall—over an hour and he hadn’t mentioned it once. Maybe he didn’t want to. Maybe, he had nothing more to say. Maybe she should just go home, drink a glass (or an entire bottle) of wine, go to bed, and pretend this conversation never happened. “Never mind.”  
   
“Are you sure?” What was she going to ask? Was it something as simple as ‘Did you watch “Lost” last night?’ Was it something more meaningful, something like ‘Did you enjoy this conversation?’ Or, was it something that would certainly destroy whatever remained of him, something like, ‘Did you hear that I’m engaged?’ His stomach churned.  
   
“Yeah,” she answered softly. If he didn’t want to talk about it, then she wasn’t going to bring it up.  
   
He didn’t want to go, but he knew that there was nothing more to say. “Bye Pam.”  
  
Pam steeled herself for the moment she had been dreading for the last hour. She would now have to go back to her ‘new world’—a world that didn’t have Jim Halpert in it. “Bye Jim.”


	3. Crazy In Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short. I stumbled upon a perfect cut off and it felt weird trying to add in the events of Branch Closing and The Merger afterward. Also, please note the rating change on the fic.

_The conversation with her mother had taken a toll on her, not that the prior hour hadn’t already worn through her nerves. The clarity she so desperately sought never came, though her mother offered nothing but reassurance. Still, Pam didn’t want reassurance. She wanted someone to tell her what to do. She had crafted his life for herself for the last ten years, and in the span of a few short moments, it felt as if everything had changed._

_‘No,’ she told herself as she half-heartedly listened to the voice on the other end of the line. Her entire world hadn’t changed in those few moments. It had been slowly unraveling ever since she first laid eyes on him three years ago. She had tried to construct a wall around her heart when it came to Jim Halpert because (a) she was engaged and (b) she was certain that he couldn’t possibly be interested in her. Over the last three years, she had a first hand look at the type of girls he dated, and time and time again, she found herself to be the exact opposite of them. It was obvious that all of those girls spent hours getting ready in the morning, meticulously insuring that every strand of hair was perfectly in place. Plastic smiles were etched onto their flawless complexions and the majority of them, including Katy who had been his longest relationship during that time, were cheerleaders in high school._

_Still, despite the fact that she knew she wasn’t his type, she found herself coming up with excuse after excuse to talk to him, to eat lunch with him, and go out for a drink with some of her co-workers after work on the occasional Friday just to get a chance to spend a little more time with him. Somewhere along the way, he became her best friend._

_And then she found out that at one point, he developed feelings for her._

_Oh, well. It didn’t matter. She was still very much engaged. It was just a harmless crush, nothing more, and while she suspected that Jim’s crush was centered more in the present than he cared to admit, she hid behind the pretense than he simply didn’t see her in that way anymore._

_Until tonight. Until he told her that his ‘crush’ was something so much more._

_When she heard the office door close, she looked up. There he was. Again. He seemed so lost, confused, hurt. Pam wanted nothing more than to take that all away from him._

_I_ _t was in that moment that she knew exactly how she felt. “Um, I have to go.” Her mom said something else to her, but Pam couldn’t comprehend it. “I will,” she offhandedly remarked before she hung up the phone and turned to face him. His gaze was glued to the floor, even as he walked toward to her. She took a deep breath as she tried to find a way to put the last half hour into actual words. “Listen…Jim—”_

_She wasn’t able to say anything else as he wrapped his arms around her and pressed his lips to hers._

_She was surprised at first. It had taken him three years to tell her that he had feelings for her, so the last thing she expected was for him to kiss her, but there they were._

_There was so much she wanted to say, to clarify about their previous conversation, but as she melted into his arms, she couldn’t bring herself to pull away from him. Her lips moved against his as something she had never quite felt before flooded her senses. Her entire body felt flush as she opened her mouth against his._

_When he began to pull away, she wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing him even closer. She didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to let him go—not like the last time. She wanted to keep him right there with her, where he belonged. When she realized that he wasn’t going anywhere, she slid her hands down his back. When he lifted her in order to sit her on top of his desk, she took the initiative and slid some of his pictures and trinkets out of the way. When he reluctantly pulled away from her in order to push his monitor in the direction of Dwight’s desk, Pam leaned forward and kissed his neck._

_She smiled when she heard his sharp intake of breath. He gripped her hip before he lowered his head, forcing Pam to stop her ministrations. When he lifted his gaze, their eyes met. In his eyes, she saw nothing but unbridled passion. No one had ever looked at her like that before. It was a perfect blend of love and lust, threaded together by an intense desire to worship her. At that moment, she knew he needed her. She only hoped that he saw the same look in her eyes._

_“I love you,” she whispered softly. A million consequences awaited her the moment she left that room, but with the way his lust-filled gaze morphed into pure elation, she knew she had made the right decision—the only decision._

_He didn’t say anything before his lips collided with hers once more. She thought that perhaps everything would slow down now, that they would savor this moment between them, but it was as if her admission only intensified the emotions that now freely flowed between them._

_Before she knew it, hands were roaming, lips were exploring, and clothes were being discarded. Pam had never considered having sex in the office before. It was something that, quite frankly, had never appealed to her, but now, as her fingers danced across his bare chest, a whole new world of possibilities presented themselves to her. They were ten feet away from where they first met, and she couldn’t think of anywhere better to consummate a love she had denied herself for the last three years._

_She gripped the edge of the desk when he pulled her forward. He hadn’t said a word since he entered the office, but he didn’t need to. The look in his eyes had already answered every question she could possibly have. As he drew her close and kissed her once more, she lost all control of her senses. Moments later, they were both ushered into sweet oblivion. There was no looking back now._

Pam’s eyes snapped open before she sat up. It took her a moment to get her bearings straight and determine how much of that was reality and how much of that was just a dream. As she wiped a thin layer of perspiration from her forehead, she came to terms with the fact that she wasn’t with Jim at the office—she was in her tiny apartment. It wasn’t Casino Night—it was three months later. Jim wasn’t within arm’s reach—he was hours away in Stamford.

All because she couldn’t take the leap when it mattered most.

She groaned as she laid back down. She should be used to the dreams now. They had plagued her off and on since that night, but had tormented her every night for the last week—ever since their all too-brief phone conversation. Except for the awkward beginning and end (oh and not to mention not telling him how she felt the moment she heard his voice), she couldn’t have imagined their first conversation post-kiss going that well. After that initial awkwardness, they fell back into what they knew best—simply being Jim and Pam. She knew she missed him, but it wasn’t until that conversation that she realized just how much.

She rolled over and sighed when she saw what time it was: 4:30. Had he experienced any of this at any point? Did he miss her at all? Were there times that he missed her so much that it was hard to breathe?

It wasn’t possible, Pam determined before she squeezed her eyes closed in an attempt to get a little more sleep before facing another day in a life that was Jim-less. If he only missed a fraction of how much she missed him, he’d be back by now. Hell, he never would have left. He never would have moved. He never would have left her behind that night.

He would have stayed.

* * *

Pam still wasn’t entirely sure why she showed up, yet here she was.   After telling Kelly that she didn’t want to go to the Diwali celebration because it felt weird going alone, she decided that maybe being alone was something she needed to get used to. What else was she going to do with her night, anyway? Call Isabel or her mom and pretend that whatever was between her and Jim was just a fleeting thing? Tell them for the hundredth time that breaking up with Roy had nothing to do with Jim? Bite back tears when she hung up because then she’d _really_ be alone? No, she didn’t want to do any of that tonight, and besides, she liked Kelly. They had become better friends over the last few months, and she wanted to be there for her friend, if for nothing else than to keep an eye on Michael and Dwight to make sure they didn’t completely embarrass her. So, after work, Pam went home, changed her clothes, and ended up at her old high school to celebrate Diwali.

When she walked into the building, she couldn’t help but to feel awkward. It was the first real social function she had attended since ending her engagement with Roy, and aside from a few gatherings over the last four years, it was the first time she had ever gone to any function where the entire office would be there and she wouldn’t have a date.

Who would she talk to? What would happen? Would she end up in a corner by herself all night?

She sighed. She couldn’t go into tonight with those kinds of thoughts. If she did, then what was the point of going?

She took her shoes off and smiled as she entered the gymnasium. Her eyes immediately went to where Carol and Michael stood and she had to stifle a laugh at the sight of Michael’s girlfriend dressed as a cheerleader. There was a part of her that empathized with Carol. Her ensemble had Michael written all over it, but at the same time, Carol had made the conscious decision to date him and they had been together long enough for her to question what attire would be appropriate for any function. As she continued to scan the crowd, Pam noticed how dressed up most of the other people were. She quickly took stock of her own outfit. She was certainly underdressed, but she took solace in the fact that she wasn’t the only one.

* * *

It only took her a few minutes to realize that she made the right call. For about an hour, she was able to put the last few months out of her mind and have fun. She ate. She danced. She joked around with a number of her co-workers. It was all going so well—until Michael proposed to Carol…in front of everyone.

She knew her boss was impulsive, but proposing to someone he had only been on a handful of dates with was crazy. It was beyond anything she could ever conceive of.

It was—brave.

She reached into her back pocket to retrieve her phone as she exited the gymnasium. She wasn’t sure what he was doing or even if he wanted to hear from her, but she had to try. Even if it led to them, once again, dancing around the ever-expanding elephant in the room, she didn’t care. It had been nearly a week since she last heard his voice and all she wanted to do was to tell him exactly what had just transpired.

She figured sending him a text first would be easier. Maybe they could slide into the rhythm they had found during their previous conversation without having to push through the initial awkwardness. She quickly typed out “You’ll never guess what just happened” and hit send before she could talk herself out of it.

When she went back into the gymnasium, she couldn’t find Michael or Carol anywhere. As she grabbed a cup of water, she overheard someone mention that the “poor guy” was outside. Pam thought about leaving him alone, but then she thought about Jim and decided against it.

She knew that both situations were completely different, but the impulsiveness Michael had just demonstrated reminded Pam of Jim and that night. The courage it took to be that brave and willing to admit what he wanted, knowing full well what the consequences might be, brought her back to Jim’s confession. She couldn’t help but to make that connection even though Michael and Carol had only been on a handful of dates over the last few months and the thing with Jim had been—well, it had been brewing since the day they met.

Pam couldn’t go back in time and fix everything with Jim, but this—being there for someone who just had his heart broken—she could do. So, she went in search of her boss. Maybe it wouldn’t change anything, but maybe Michael only needed to be reassured that he wasn’t alone.

She quickly spotted him sitting on the steps outside of the gym. As she walked toward him, he began to cough. She glanced down at her cup before she handed it to him.

“That’s so spicy,” he choked out before he took several gulps.

“Yeah,” she agreed before she looked down at her phone. Nothing.

Michael noticed the flash of disappointment that that crossed her features and gestured to her phone. “Are you waiting for a call?”

“Uh…no.” She inwardly sighed as she sat down next to him. Maybe he was just out having fun with his new friends or—maybe he was with someone else. She looked down at her phone once more before she looked back at Michael who had downed the rest of the water.

Michael sat the empty cup down before he turned to her. “Pam, when Carol said ‘no’ tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We are both the victims of broken engagements.”

Patience. She needed to exercise a little bit of patience right now. He just had his heart broken in front of everyone. She knew that he was trying to relate to her on some level, but what happened between Carol and Michael and what happened between Roy and her weren’t even remotely similar. “Well, you were never really engaged.”

“I was in that marriage arena, though,” he tried to compromise. He had considered the idea of marrying Carol. That had to count for something, right?

Pam wasn’t about to press the subject, so she simply nodded. “Yeah.”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “Oh well.”

Pam looked back down at her phone, which was nestled between her hands. “I kind of thought something would happen tonight, too.” She wasn’t sure what, but for a few fleeting moments, she thought that maybe he missed her too. Maybe he wanted to talk to her again. Maybe he would want to take those first few steps toward rebuilding their friendship. Maybe she’d get the chance to apologize for how she acted that night. Maybe. That’s all it was now. Just maybe. She couldn’t make him respond to her. She couldn’t force him to pick up his phone and call her back.

Michael wasn’t entirely sure what she was talking about, but he appreciated the fact that he wasn’t the only brokenhearted person sitting outside of the school that night. “We’re so alike.” He paused as he looked up at her. “So alike.”

Pam was completely lost in thought. Jim left months ago. She had gone months without hearing from him, and then, out of nowhere, she picked up the phone and there he was. It hadn’t even been a week since that conversation and she missed him more than ever. At least during their months long silence, she could be angry with him. Angry that he left. Angry that he walked out on her that night. Angry that he never responded to her voicemail. But now, now after hearing his laughter, after experiencing the banter that she missed more than anything, all she wanted was to have the chance to beg him to come home.

When she felt Michael’s breath on the side of her face, she turned her head. His eyes were closed and she could have sworn that he was just about to— “What are you doing?”

“What are you doing,” he immediately responded as he opened his eyes and pulled away from her. Embarrassment filled his features. Had he completely misread the situation—again?!

Pam was too emotionally exhausted to get angry or upset. “I’m rejecting your kiss,” she calmly stated. She knew that Michael had a rough night, but suddenly, she was more than ready to go back to her tiny apartment, crawl into bed, and forget that this entire night happened.

“What? I didn’t…” he scoffed. He had already lost Jim and Carol. The last thing he needed was to lose Pam too. He rubbed his eyes before he pinched the bridge of his nose. He was rarely at a loss for words, but right now, he couldn’t even begin to explain himself to her. As he rested his chin in his hand, he refused to look at her. That’s when it dawned on him: Carol drove. He hated to ask after what just happened, but he was fairly certain that no one else—save Dwight perhaps—would help him out. “Can I have a ride home?”

This had to be one of the weirdest nights of her life and it didn’t even span the entire night. It was just the last few minutes, but God, it was enough to classify the entire evening as ‘weird’. What was even stranger was that she didn’t want to leave him there by himself. She had to pick herself up and drive home alone the night she broke Jim’s heart—the night she broke her own heart. She wouldn’t wish having to endure that drive on anyone. Still, he did try to kiss her, and she wasn’t so certain that he wouldn’t try again or get the wrong idea if she did consent to take him home. “If you sit in the back,” she compromised.

* * *

Jim groaned as he entered his apartment. Why did he ever agree to do shots of Jager with Andy and Karen? No, wait. It was just Andy. Even in his drunken state, he knew that there was no way Karen had even a drop of alcohol. He glanced at the clock on his stove before he opened the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of water. It was late. He was exhausted. He was also still very, very drunk.

Drunk enough to do something he knew he shouldn’t.

He shoved his hand in his pocket before he pulled out his cell phone. He flipped it open and typed out a message before he placed the device back on the kitchen counter and stumbled toward his bedroom. He needed to escape, to slip into a world where that night never happened.

He only managed to take his shoes and tie off before he finally collapsed onto his bed. For the first time in months—thanks to several shots of Jager—he finally managed to get a full night of sleep.


	4. Where We Stand

Pam couldn’t recall a more chaotic day at Dunder Mifflin Scranton. She went into work that morning thinking that it would be just another day at a job that she suffered through only until _(hopefully)_ something better came along. But within the span of a few short hours, she went from being completely jaded, to moderately panicked, and then slightly hopeful.

She wasn’t sure exactly when she had become so jaded about every aspect of her life. She had never dreamt of being a receptionist, so it wasn’t as if she felt fulfilled at her job, but between sending faxes and answering the phone, she had time to doodle and daydream about things that extended way beyond the Scranton Business Park. These days, her downtime was spent on working on art projects she had been tasked with in her classes. She was in the middle of one such project when news broke that Dunder Mifflin Scranton would be shutting down. In nearly the same breath, she heard that a few of her co-workers would be asked to transfer to the Stamford branch while everyone else would be completely laid off.

When she heard the news, her first thought wasn’t about the loss of her job. It was the fact that some of her co-workers—presumably the sales staff—would transfer to Stamford, to Jim’s branch. She was actually jealous of those who would be asked to uproot their entire lives and move to Connecticut. She had no idea who it would be, but it made sense that the branch would need more salesmen and maybe an additional accountant. No matter which direction Jan chose to go into, Pam knew that Stamford certainly wouldn’t need another receptionist.

Stamford.

God. Whoever was lucky enough to transfer would be able to work with Jim again. They’d be able to see him everyday, share in his jokes, and maybe help him create a few harmless pranks.

Suddenly, she had never been more jealous of Dwight Schrute in her entire life. Certainly, he’d be the first to be asked. His sales record spoke for itself. He was always the top salesman at the Scranton branch, and quite often, he was one of the top salesmen in the entire company. His sales alone nearly doubled those of Stanley and Phyllis.

Oh God. She’d pay anything to see the look on Jim’s face when he realized Dwight would be working with him again.

She shook her head at the thought. She wasn’t entirely sure if he would laugh or cry about it.

Pam’s smile slowly faded as she continued to think about the shaggy haired guy who once sat ten feet away from her. He never responded to the text message she sent to him nearly two months ago. He never called her back. Over the last several weeks, it had become painfully obvious that he wanted nothing to do with her, and yet, she still wanted to find a way to make everything right between them.

* * *

It was later that afternoon when the next hit came. Suddenly, everything had changed. After a brief meeting with Michael, Jan announced to the entire branch that the Stamford branch was closing and the Scranton branch would be the one to absorb those client relationships. Jan also mentioned that a few of the employees from Stamford would be offered positions at the Scranton branch.

Certainly Jim would be among the transfers, right? He knew the area. He had established relationships with a number of the businesses in the area. He had working relationships with people who worked at both branches, so it only made sense that he would be the one to bring everyone together.

And yet…

He left for a reason. That reason was still there. Pam knew that it would be a lot easier to avoid phone calls and text messages from miles away. If he came back, he’d be forced to see her every day, whether he wanted to or not.

She wasn’t sure what to make of it. If he really wanted to stay away, this was his chance to cut the only remaining tie he had to her: Dunder Mifflin. He could simply float away, completely disappear, and she’d never even dare to hope to hear from him again.

Was that their fate? After everything that had happened between them?

Somehow, she managed to remain optimistic; at least, she was able to pretend to be enthusiastic about the turn of events as her co-workers celebrated all around her. Even Roy came up to the second floor and told her that he was happy she’d still be working there. Pam couldn’t help but to give him a genuine smile in response. To say that things with Roy had been weird since the breakup would be an understatement. After he his arrest, he had avoided coming upstairs at all. He worked in the warehouse—directly underneath where Pam spent eight hours of the day—but Pam hadn’t seen him in several months. She never went out of her way to avoid him, but at the same time, she had been so preoccupied with thoughts of Jim that she simply didn’t have the mental capacity to attempt casual conversation with her ex-fiancé.

As they spoke, she marveled at how easy their conversation felt. Much like with Jim, things seemed to click back into place…almost. She no longer wore the ring he gave her four years ago or felt consumed by their wedding. It felt easier. She felt like she could actually have a conversation with him and say anything without worrying about the repercussions. She told him about the art classes she had been taking and even showed him the project she had been working on earlier in the day. He responded by telling her it was beautiful. Pam wasn’t sure if that was the word she would have used to describe it, but she accepted the compliment nonetheless.

Then, he told her that he was proud of her and wouldn’t mind seeing other projects as she worked on them—if that was ok with her. Pam was surprised by his response, but told him that he was free to stop by anytime he wanted to.

After he left, the positivity she had faked for the better part of an hour melted into a real sense of hope. If she and Roy could have a pleasant conversation without the world coming to an end, then certainly she and Jim could find a way to work with one another—should he decide to come back.

* * *

He was petrified. It had been a hell of a day. By the time he got home, the first thing he did was pour himself a scotch and soda without the soda. Two drinks later and he still hadn’t come to terms with the fact that he had accepted Jan’s offer to move back to Scranton. He ran his fingers through his hair as he looked around his apartment. It was true that Stamford never really felt like home, but he had only been there for five months. It hadn’t been long enough. He was fairly confident, given enough time, that he could have made this place a home.

_‘Bullshit,’_ his heart screamed out in response. Jim practically groaned as he trudged toward his bedroom and began to pull some suitcases out of his closet. He only had a few weeks to get everything packed, find somewhere to live, and come to terms with the fact that he would have to see _her_ every day again.

Yes, their conversation a couple of months ago _(had it really been that long?)_ had been nice—too nice. After they hung up, he was immediately brought back to that night.

_That night._

Would he sit at his old desk again? Would he be forced to work at very place where they shared an all too brief moment of honesty? Would he ever be able to look at it and not think of the moment when he was freely able to tangle his fingers in her curls or kiss her neck or simply marvel at how perfectly they molded together?

Five months later and he was more certain than ever that Pam Beesly would be the end of him.

Only now, he wouldn’t let her. Not this time. Absolutely not. He couldn’t let himself be that vulnerable again, but at the same time, what else could he do? He thought about turning down the offer and cutting all ties with Dunder Mifflin for once and for all, but he had already left his entire life behind once before because of her. He couldn’t do that again. He pursed his lips before he reached for his cell phone. They hadn’t really talked about what moving to Scranton meant, but he knew he wanted to clear the air before he packed a single item.

“Hey,” he greeted the moment he heard her voice. “Do you want to come over tonight? We can have a couple of drinks and I can give you the low down on all things Scranton.” Of course, while he planned to tell her about Poor Richard’s, The Glider Diner, Cooper’s, and the very important distinction between Alfredo’s Pizza Café and Pizza by Alfredo, he also wanted to clear the air. He wasn’t sure what she expected from him, but he wanted to know before they moved and the inevitable storm hit.

* * *

After a few hours of discussing Scranton’s finer points of interest and regaling her with some stories of his glory days in high school and college, Jim realized that the air between them seemed different. He knew it had to be his fault. He had been on edge ever since he accepted Jan’s offer, not to mention the fact that in a moment of stupid drunkenness, he texted her something that he never would have sober, and now, almost two months later, neither one of them had even mentioned it. She never responded to it, thank God, but still, it had been nagging at him and now that they were moving, he wanted to clarify what he meant. “Listen, Karen,” he began as leaned forward in his seat. “About the text I sent the night Andy and I got drunk off Jager…”

Karen waved her hand dismissively at him. While it had been a little unexpected at the time, the fact that he hadn’t mentioned it told her everything she needed to know. He didn’t mean a word of it. “I really hope you haven’t been thinking about this for the last couple of months?” When he didn’t answer, she chuckled. “Look, it’s no problem. We’ve all been there right? I mean…I’m totally guilty of sending a drunk text or two before.” She gave him a small smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Yeah,” he sighed, “Well, I just don’t want you to…get the wrong idea. I mean, I’m happy you decided to transfer to Scranton and all, I just…what I meant when I sent that was that I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.” He waited a beat. “I’m still…getting over…” He cleared his throat.

Karen didn’t need him to elaborate. “I understand.” She paused. “Look, I didn’t assume that you were…um…I’m not looking for anything serious, either. And I’m not moving to Scranton to be with you or anything like that, so please don’t think that I am. I mean…it’s been nice to pal around with you, but I’m definitely not moving to Scranton because of you.”

When she laughed, Jim felt himself begin to relax. That’s exactly what he needed to hear. He wasn’t sure what he was thinking when he asked her to come back to his place, only that he was pretty sure that he wasn’t thinking at all. He hadn’t been that drunk in a very long time, not to mention that it had been several months since he had last—no, it wasn’t about that, not entirely anyway. He’d be blind not to find Karen attractive. She was beautiful, smart, and knew how to take a joke. She had become his partner in crime in an otherwise humdrum work environment. She loved getting under Andy’s skin just as much as Jim did.

But now, the past and present were about to collide, and he wasn’t sure what would happen. He hadn’t talked to Pam since the night he tried to call Kevin. He had thought about calling her, had even picked up the phone a few times, but what was the point? Pam was single now, or she had been at some point. If she changed her mind or wanted to discuss what happened _that_ night, then surely, she would have done it by now, right?

It had been nearly four months and she still hadn’t breathed a word to him about that night.  After he left, he swore that he wasn’t going to wait around for her.  He swore that he’d find a way to move on, but he hadn’t.  He still found himself waiting for the strawberry blonde who somehow managed to waltz into almost every dream he recalled having over the last three years.  Even now, if he closed his eyes, he could map every single freckle that graced her nose with perfect clarity, recall the flawless curvature of her lips when she smiled  _(really smiled)_ , and the way her eyes sparkled as they conspired together on their next prank on Dwight.  

Even though her image haunted him, it also brought him an inordinate amount of peace.  It reassured him that leaving Scranton was the best decision he could have possibly made at the time.  

He had to break the chain.  

He had to kick his Pam habit for once and for all

And now, as he began to mentally prepare for his move back, he realized that he was petrified. It had only been four months, and he still thought about her. He still dreamt about her.

Even though he had been mortified by the text he sent Karen, part of him had been relieved that (a) he didn’t send that to Pam and (b) that he actually did send it to Karen. Maybe his subconscious had finally surfaced in his drunken state and told him—albeit in the worst possible way—that he had actually begun to move on. 

* * *

She must have changed her outfit ten times that morning. She still hadn’t heard a peep out of him since she heard the news, but that didn’t matter now. She’d see him—in the flesh—for the first time in six months. Six long, soul-searching, heart-breaking months. She wasn’t sure what to expect, if he’d be happy to see her or would ignore her— _or worse_ —treat her as if nothing had happened and she was nothing more than a co-worker. She was scared, but still couldn’t hide the excitement she felt.

He was back.

He had come home.

For the first time ever, she practically skipped from her car to the building. It didn’t matter that Michael called her at 5:30 that morning to go to the grocery store or that she had passed by three of her co-workers that didn’t even offer to help her carry the bags upstairs. When she entered the office, she decided that even if Michael made some catty comment about her appearance or some lewd joke about her body, she wouldn’t get angry or upset. She wouldn’t let him get to her today because today was the day she’d see Jim again.

She had never looked forward to any day more than this one.

For the first time in a long time, she didn’t mind that the cameras were around and didn’t care enough to pay attention to whatever it was that Michael and Dwight were doing as she set up the conference room. As the seconds slowly ticked by, her nerves began to catch up with her excitement. Her heart began to race as she made her way back to her desk and set up the “gift bags” for the new employees. She wasn’t entirely sure what was in them. Michael had insisted on building them himself. Simply based off of the gleeful look in his eye, she was willing to bet that at least one person would quit before lunch.

The new employees of Dunder Mifflin Scranton slowly began to filter in a few minutes later. Pam watched, amused, as her boss greeted each of the new employees. As she observed their interactions, she tried to figure out which one would be the first to quit. Admittedly, it wasn’t the nicest game she had ever played, but she knew that it took a special kind of person to be able to handle Michael’s antics on a daily basis, and judging by the first few people who had entered the office, Pam was certain they wouldn’t last very long.

As more of them filtered in, Pam’s anxiousness grew. She smiled as she shook everyone’s hands and introduced herself to the next ones: Karen and Andy. Karen seemed nice enough. Pam briefly wondered if she was the reason why Jim never called her back, but quickly put the thought out of her mind. She was jumping to several conclusions all at once with no evidence to back it up. She chalked it up to being nervous about seeing him again. 

Andy, Pam quickly discerned, was the person who’d most likely stick it out. He seemed like Michael’s favorite type of person, one who’d go out of his way to kiss his boss’s ass. Dwight didn’t seem as charmed by him, and that amused Pam all the more. She could already sense a competition brewing for Michael’s affections.

As she wondered how she could utilize this potential competition in order to play a prank on Dwight, the door opened once more. She quickly looked in that direction and her smile widened at the sight. 

There he was.

Six months later, he was back.

She tried to quickly smooth out her hair as he talked about football with one of the other transfers from Stamford. Her heart quickened its pace as she tried to look past Michael in order to gauge his reaction when he saw her. That would be it, Pam determined. That would be the deciding factor. If he was happy to see her, then maybe—maybe they could go somewhere and finally talk about everything. If he didn’t seem happy to see her, then—well, Pam didn’t really want to think about that.

Jim was grateful that he ran into Martin in the parking lot. Maybe if he came in with someone, all of the attention would shift to Martin and he could just slide in, go to his desk, and not have—what he was sure would be—an awkward reunion with Pam in front of everyone. His only goal for the day was to just survive, and perhaps if he came into the office with someone else, he stood a chance of that.

Jim didn’t anticipate Michael’s enthusiasm for the new employees. Not to toot his own horn or anything, but Jim figured that Michael would be happy to see him, especially after their conversation at the convention a few months ago. But alas, much to Jim’s chagrin, Michael insisted on escorting Martin to his new desk, which left him alone with one Pamela Beesly.

He had to think quickly. He couldn’t simply sneak in now. He knew he couldn’t pretend that nothing had happened between them, but there he was, standing by the reception desk, with no buffer between them.

So, he did the only thing he could think of: make a joke out of it. “Hi. I’m Jim. I’m new here.” The casualness of his tone surprised him given the anxiousness he felt in every cell of his body.

Pam didn’t think her smile could get any bigger, but the moment she saw a hint of a smile around the corners of his lips, she couldn’t help it. She grinned as she got up and practically sprinted toward him. “Oh my God! It’s really you,” she beamed before she threw her arms around his neck and hugged him.

It was everything she could have hoped for. Their reunion could have been bad. It could have been so bad. It also could have never happened, but there he was. He really moved back. He was really here. She was really hugging him, and he was actually hugging her back.

It was a natural reaction for him to laugh when she hugged him. Her obvious excitement about seeing him again instantly warmed his weary heart and eased his anxiety. Maybe moving back to Scranton wasn’t such a bad idea? Maybe they needed space from one another in order to put things into perspective? He could feel himself falling for her all over again in the two-second hug they exchanged. It terrified him, but when he pulled away from her and saw the pure elation in her eyes, he thought that perhaps falling for Pam Beesly once again wouldn’t be the most terrible thing in the world.

* * *

Two hours. It only took Jim two hours to regret falling under her spell once more. He had gotten up, had gone to the bathroom, and grabbed another cup of coffee. Sometime within that five-minute timeframe, everything he thought he was feeling, everything he imaged that could happen between them, vanished the moment he saw _him_ at her desk.

Roy Fucking Anderson.

Fiancé Roy. Well, ex-fiancé. Well, Jim wasn’t sure what he was anymore. Some part of him shouldn’t have been surprised because the last thing Jim heard was that Roy still worked in the warehouse. Jim had been so concerned about seeing Pam again that he never once considered the fact that Roy still worked in the warehouse.

But there he was, leaning over Pam’s desk, looking at something she was showing him on her computer. As he walked back toward his desk, he was suddenly grateful that Ryan didn’t offer to give him his old desk back. If his back faced her, he wouldn’t be forced to see them together. The moment he sat down, he heard Roy laugh.

Roy never laughed.

Jim felt the pit in his stomach grow.

Then she laughed.

Jim thought he was going to be sick on the spot.

All at once, all of the pain, the nausea, the paralyzing fear of being trapped in an unrequited love, rushed back at him. God. He couldn’t do this again. He told himself that he wouldn’t go through this again. He had no idea what was going on with Pam. For all he knew, she and Roy were back together. They seemed friendly enough. God, they seemed more intimate with one another in that moment than they had in the three years Jim had known them. Would he, once again, be forced to witness their coupledom every single day? Instead of moving forward, had he taken three steps back and was now thrust into life as he knew it six months ago?

He was definitely going to be sick.

He quickly got up and, as casually as he could under the circumstances, made his way back to the bathroom.

Grateful that no one was around, he went into one of the stalls and immediately threw up.

Chills rippled throughout his entire body as he flushed the toilet and sat down on the tile floor against the door. He rubbed the back of his neck as he tried to discern whether or not he would do it a second time.

Did that actually just happen? Did the mere sight of Pam with Roy finally make him physically ill? His stomach had lurched on more than one occasion in the past, but he had never actually thrown up. Jim wanted to blame it on food poisoning or that he was coming down with something, but deep down, he knew. The odds of it being anything else were slim because he felt perfectly fine until he saw Roy leaning over her desk.

Not even three hours ago, he had been so certain that he could handle being here again, but he had never been so wrong in his life. There was a reason why he moved to Stamford in the first place, and that reason was still there, even though he tried to put as much space between them as possible.

After another moment of waiting, Jim decided that he could hold it together long enough to take an early lunch, go home, brush his teeth, and try to come up with another plan. Pretending like nothing happened clearly wasn’t going to work. Hell, even the desk he worked at now was tainted. The moment he sat down, memories of Casino Night and Pam sprawled out on top of that very desk flashed across his mind.

His stomach churned.

Jim shook his head as he scrambled to his feet. He was grateful that no one had chosen that very moment to use the bathroom. He washed his hands and rinsed his mouth out before splashing his face with cold water. He looked at his watch. It wasn’t even 11:00 yet, but he had to get out of there.

Without a word to anyone, he went back to his desk and slipped his coat on. He was so focused on trying to leave that he failed to notice that Roy wasn’t even at Pam’s desk anymore.

“Jim?”

He paused. He could have kept walking, could have simply left without a word. If she asked him about it later, he could tell her that he didn’t hear her, but much like their encounter in May, he spoke before he even considered the consequences. He turned toward her as he focused on fixing the collar of his coat. “Yeah,” he asked as casually as he could for a man who just threw up not ten minutes earlier.

Pam frowned. He looked pale and she could have sworn she saw perspiration on his forehead. “Is…everything ok?”

“Yeah.” The single syllable came out in a rush as he stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I just…I have…um…I’m meeting Mark for an…an early lunch.”

“Oh.” She furrowed her eyebrows. She had just assumed that Jim would have lunch at the office and that maybe they’d be able to catch up on the last few months. She never considered that he’d have other plans. He used to never go out for lunch, unless it involved a meeting with a client. “Well, tell him I said ‘hi’.”

Jim nodded. “Will do. See ya later.” He didn’t wait to hear her reply before he left.

Even now, after everything, he hated lying to her, but he had no other choice. He wasn’t about to tell her the truth: that seeing her with her ex-fiancé (current boyfriend?) literally made him sick and he now had to go home to try to figure out a way to survive again.

His new apartment wasn’t far from the office. He made it there in less than five minutes and made a direct beeline for the bathroom. He had only unpacked a few boxes thus far. He had no clue which box contained the majority of his towels, but he did have a roll of paper towels handy.

As Jim brushed his teeth, he tried to figure out a way to do something he hadn’t managed to do in the last six months: move on. Even as he ripped off a paper towel to wipe his mouth, he still hadn’t figured it out.

His phone vibrated on the bathroom counter. A small smile formed at the corners of his lips after he flipped open the phone and saw the message from Karen. He stared at it for a long moment as he chewed on his bottom lip. Finally, he called her. “You couldn’t hold it down for five minutes?” His smile widened when he heard her dramatic sigh on the other end of the line.

“Who is Bob Vance?”

He crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned against the back of his bathroom counter. “Ah, I see you’ve been getting acquainted with Phyllis.”

“Yeah. You didn’t tell me anything about a Bob Vance when you gave me the run down on everyone last night.”

“Well,” he slowly drawled out, “Come out to lunch with me and I’ll fill you in.”

“Where are you by the way?”

“I…had to go to my apartment. I can swing by the office and pick you up in about five minutes?”

“Sounds good.”

Jim placed his phone back on the counter before he took a long look at himself in the mirror. The time to move on was now.

* * *

“So, how does it feel being back,” Karen asked him after they each ordered a sub at a deli located a few miles from the office.

“Weird,” he answered truthfully as he fidgeted with the straw wrapper. It was the only way to describe it. On the one hand, it felt like he had never left, but on the other hand, it felt like he had stepped back into a life that seemed more like a dream (or nightmare) than anything else.

“Is Michael always so…so….” She tried to search for the right word, but nothing seemed to fit. From the few limited interactions she had with her new boss, pinpointing him to a one-word description seemed like an impossible task.

“Yes,” Jim easily answered. “Whatever you’re thinking, yes. He’s always like that.”

“No wonder why you transferred.” She gave him a small smile. “At least we’re in it together, right?”

He nodded. “Absolutely.”

Karen glanced around the restaurant. “So, this is the bustling metropolis known as Scranton, huh?”

“Yep,” he popped the ‘p’ as he looked around the small, slightly rundown restaurant. How many times had he come here? He could still remember his dad taking him to eat here after his t-ball games when he was a kid. “This is Scranton.”

It felt as if he were a million miles away. In fact, ever since they found out about the merger, he seemed distracted. He still smiled and joked around, but he was different now. Karen couldn’t think of another way to describe it: he seemed haunted. By what, she didn’t know.

He began to make small talk as they ate their BLTs. It was strange hearing him ramble on about how his high school basketball team used to file into the small delicatessen after every single game or how one of his friends managed to consume three 12-inch subs in one sitting. She was normally amused by his anecdotes, but it was painfully obvious that there was something else on his mind.  

“What’s going on,” she finally asked as she picked at her fries. “I don’t think you wanted to come here just to tell me all of these stories, although I do enjoy hearing about these little insights into your childhood.” She waited a beat. “So, what’s up?”

Direct. Honest. He liked that about her. Since she was willing to get to the point, he decided he would too. After all, wasn’t that what he had wanted for months? “I like you,” he began as he sat his drink down. “I think we have a lot of fun together and you’re…great.”

Karen frowned. “I feel a ‘but’ coming on.”

He gave her a lopsided smile. “But…I’ve got to tell you. I’m not ready for…anything even remotely serious right now. I’ve got some baggage that I’m still trying to…work out, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you…or anyone…because of it.”

The right corner of her mouth curled up into a smirk. “Is that it?”

“Is what it?”

“I like you too, Jim. I do. We have a lot of fun together and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to you.” She cleared her throat. “Look, I’ve got baggage too. Before you transferred, I was with this guy and I thought I loved him, but he…he wasn’t the one.” She looked down for a moment before she looked back up at him. “You know…it doesn’t have to be serious.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…we’re both adults. We’ve both admitted that we don’t want to get involved in anything serious right now, so why don’t we just…keep it casual while we work through our baggage? I mean…I’m attracted to you and based off of that text message you sent me a couple of months ago, I’m pretty sure you’re attracted to me, too.”

Jim felt his cheeks flush as he looked down at his drink. “Maybe a little.” He wasn’t used to this. Putting everything on the table to begin with? Making sure that there wasn’t any confusion about how the other person felt? God, it was refreshing.

Karen laughed. “So, what do you think?”

“I mean, we’d have to set some boundaries, I guess, but…” An image of Pam’s face flashed across his mind, “I wouldn’t be opposed to keeping it casual.” The last thing he wanted was to hurt Karen, but he told her the truth about where his headspace was. He wasn’t ready for anything serious. He wasn’t ready for a relationship, not while he was still trying to get over Pam. At the same time, distance and time had done little to diminish his feelings for the receptionist. Maybe he needed to try something—or someone—new. After all, it had become painfully obvious that morning that he had to do something.

* * *

Lunch with Karen had done a lot to alleviate the heaviness that had plagued Jim the moment he saw Roy with Pam. He realized that Rome wasn’t built in a day. It would take more than just some space to help him get over her. Time and distance had done very little. What he needed was to actively alter his natural instinct to go to her, to have conversations with her, even look at her. Thanks to Ryan, it would be fairly easy not to look at her as she was now seated behind him. The other two things he needed to be actively, consciously working on. Perhaps one day, it would become second nature, and then finally, he would be over her.

He managed to ignore the mild look of surprise on Pam’s face when he and Karen walked back into the office an hour later. He didn’t even throw a glance in Pam’s direction as he took his coat off and went back to his desk. He watched Karen as she sat down across the room from him. When she looked up at him, he smiled.

Pam noticed the way Karen smiled at Jim after they came back from lunch and she certainly noticed the way his entire demeanor had changed since that morning.

She knew that they had a lot of talk about, but she didn’t expect him to be cold to her.

When Michael gathered everyone together in the conference room to watch a video Dwight and he had made about Scranton, Pam found a way to ensure that Jim sat next to her. She was more than excited to tell him how much he was going to love what he was about to watch, but her excitement wavered when Karen tapped Jim on the shoulder and, without a word, handed him a piece of gum.

It was an innocent enough gesture, and yet, Pam found herself slowly inching away from him.

The next couple of hours felt longer than the last several months combined. She could feel herself openly staring at the back of his head, trying to figure out what was going on. Every time Karen would move, Pam would look up to see if the dark haired woman was looking at Jim or silently communicating with him somehow.

To say that it was nerve racking would be putting it lightly.

Finally, when Jim snuck off to the break room, Pam decided that she needed a break too.

Besides, she came into work that morning with one goal in mind, and she wasn’t about to let 5:00 roll around without accomplishing it.

She was grateful to discover that when she entered the break room, they were alone. Finally. For the first time in six months, they were alone with one another. Granted, they were still at work and Pam could feel the awkwardness growing between them, but she wasn’t going to back down. Not this time. “Hey,” she greeted as casually as she could as he reached down to grab something from the vending machine.

Jim reached for the bottle of water before he turned around and smiled at her. “Hey.” He looked down at the bottle in his hand. This wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want to do this right now. Not that long ago, he would have killed to be alone with her, but not now, not today.

In a feeble attempt to alleviate the growing tension between them, Pam gestured to the water. “What happened to grape soda?”

“Oh, yeah.” He rotated the bottle in his hands. “I’m trying to move away from that. I’m getting into more of a bottled water phase.”

“Oh, you’ve changed so much.” Her tone was light and sarcastic, reminiscent of the banter they once shared on a daily basis, and yet, her words echoed through her ears.

“Well, I’m evolving, Pam.” He was trying. He was trying as hard as he could to keep his tone light and the conversation away from anything remotely resembling the events of that night, but he couldn’t keep tempting fate. Something was going to have give, and soon. There was only so much to say about his current beverage preference.

“So, when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked…or you want to grab a coffee or something after work?” There, she said it. It was out there and she wasn’t going to take it back. It was an olive branch at the very least. She wanted to talk about it. She wanted to talk about the last four months and see what—if anything—she could do to fix everything between them.

Jim thought about the boxes strewn across his living room and the fact that he had to wipe the toothpaste off of his mouth with a paper towel five hours earlier. Then, he thought about the reason why he had to go home and brush his teeth in the first place. He wanted to ask her what was going on with Roy, but he realized that it didn’t matter. No matter the answer, he still hadn’t moved on from that night and the reason why he hadn’t moved on had nothing to do with Roy and everything to do with the woman in front of him. He swore to himself only a few hours ago that he’d make an effort to do anything and everything possible to close this chapter of his life. He needed to start making those changes now. “Oh, um…tonight, actually…no. I’m just still getting settled, so—”

Her smile faltered slightly. “Oh, yeah…no. You know…whenever.”

“Ok.” The moment he said it, he wondered if he said it a little too quickly, too dismissively. He wanted to know what she was thinking, what she wanted from him. Did she just expect for them to slip back into who they used to be? Surely, she didn’t believe that was even a possibility.

“Oh...kay.” Pam and Jim looked at the doorway as their boss entered the break room. Michael looked exactly like a deer caught in the headlights when he realized that he had walked in on Jim and Pam—alone. Jim’s confession at the convention rang through his ears. As happy as he had been to see Jim come back, it wasn’t until that exact moment that Michael wondered how Jim was faring as far as working with Pam again. After all, she broke his heart and Michael knew a thing or two about heartache.

Pam and Jim both inwardly cringed when they saw Michael. Even though Jim desperately wanted a reprieve from the strained conversation he found himself in with Pam, the last person he wanted to see at that moment was Michael. Michael knew everything—well, Jim’s side of it at least—and Jim knew it would be impossible for Michael to keep a secret of any kind. It wasn’t that he believed for a second that Pam didn’t know the reason why he moved. It became painfully obvious after Casino Night, but still, he didn’t want his boss to make things even more awkward. They were doing just fine with that on their own.

Michael easily slid into some sort of robotic routine as he tried to remain as nonchalant as possible. “Sorry to interrupt. I—“

“Nope,” Jim quickly interjected, “You’re not interrupting anything.” When Michael opened his mouth to speak, Jim intercepted him once again. He didn’t want this. He didn’t need this. Not after earlier. Not after everything. “Nope, I’m—“

“All right.”

“Don’t.” Jim’s gaze fell to the ground. He prayed that for once in his life, Michael would just let it go.

Message received. Michael slid his hands into the front pockets of his pants and turned back toward the door. “Okay.”

“All right.”

Pam couldn’t help but to giggle as Michael exited the break room. She wasn’t entirely sure what their exchange was about, but with a few simple words, Jim managed to diffuse whatever absurd thing she was certain her boss was about to say. She missed this. She missed the playfulness, the laughter, the lightheartedness she felt whenever she was around him.

“I should probably get back to work.” He glanced down at the water for a beat before he made a whipping motion with his hand. “Back to work.” It was a failed attempt at a joke. He knew it the moment he did it. Why did this have to be so difficult? He knew it was only the first day, but God, he fucking threw up because he physically couldn’t handle being in the same room as Pam and Roy.

Pam wrapped her arms around her midsection. Just like that, she could feel everything shift again. She knew it wasn’t going to be easy to pick back up where they left off. In fact, as the seconds ticked by, she began to realize that it would be impossible. Still, she forced herself to uphold her grin. “Yeah, I know. Me too." 

“All right." 

She lingered in the break room for another moment after he left. She began to replay small fragments of the day—the parts that involved him at least. She was searching for something—anything—to help explain how they could greet one another with a genuine hug and then a few hours later, act like complete strangers. She knew nothing about his life in Stamford. She knew nothing about what sort of relationships he had formed while he worked there.

She paused as she rocked back on her heels.

Relationships.

Her eyebrows furrowed as she recalled the way Karen wordlessly handed Jim a piece of gum during their morning meeting and how comfortable they both seemed as she caressed his back in the parking lot an hour earlier. Pam thought it was odd at the time, but now, it all made perfect sense.

Jim didn’t come back from Stamford alone.

* * *

Jim was more than grateful to finally get out of the building. For better or worse, his first day back was finally over. All he wanted to do was go home and pass out on his sheetless bed. Michael and Dwight had been in rare form, Tony quit—and then was subsequently fired—and Pam was…well, difficult would be putting it mildly. He was grateful that Karen had been there. She had no idea about his history with Pam, and if he had his wish, she never would. It was all in the past now, and there was no reason to drag it all out again. Maybe tomorrow would be better. It had to be better. God, it couldn’t get much worse.

As he opened his car door, his cell phone rang. He smiled when he saw who it was. “Hey. Where you at, Filippelli?”

“I’m at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy.”

It didn’t seem like a bad idea, but Jim laughed anyway. “What’s wrong? You didn’t have a good first day?”

“Oh my God.” She laughed. “Hey, you want to meet at Cooper’s in an hour? I need a drink.” Or four.

Only one? Jim knew he needed several. “Yeah, sure. Sounds good. I—“ He stopped when he noticed Pam walking toward her car. “Hey, you know what? Can I give you a call right back?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok. Thanks.” He opened his car door and completely missed hearing Karen’s soft ‘ok’ as he hung up the phone. Maybe now wasn’t the right time for any of this, but tomorrow was a new day and since today had already been shitty, perhaps it was the right time to at least partially address how weird the day had been.

He slammed his car door shut. “Hey.”

Pam glanced up in his direction as he jogged toward her. “Hey,” she answered as if she hadn’t spent the last hour trying to stay as far away from him as possible.

“I thought you had already left.”

_‘Nope. Just in the bathroom bawling my eyes out,’_ she thought miserably as she mustered up the strength to act as indifferently to him as he had been to her for the better part of the day. “Uhhh…no,” she finally managed to respond. “I just…uh…had some…other stuff I had to do.”

“Oh, good.” God. How was he supposed to have this conversation with her? How was he supposed to have any kind of conversation with her? How was he supposed to just pretend that they weren’t standing in the same parking lot where six months ago, he confessed his love for her? How was he supposed to pretend that it never happened?

She swallowed. “What’s up?” For the first time that day, she had no interest in talking to him. She wanted to go home, cry her eyes out, and dive head first into the bottle of wine she had once hoped to share with the guy who stood in front of her. She should have known that he was seeing someone else—that he’d want nothing to do with her. She realized that she wasn’t the reason why he came back—she was the reason why he stayed away for as long as he did. Pam could feel a sob bubbling up in the back of her throat. She swallowed once more to quell the urge. The last thing she wanted was to have an emotional breakdown in front of him.

Jim couldn’t even bear to look at her. He looked down at his feet as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Oh. Nothing. I just feel bad. I feel like things were a little weird today or something.”

_‘Yeah. No shit.’_ She figured that might not have been the best response, so she opted to feign ignorance. “What do you mean?”

He paused for the briefest of seconds. This was it. “I just think I should tell you that I’ve…I’ve sort of started seeing someone…”

_‘You’re about an hour and a half too late for that reveal,’_ she thought miserably. Even though she had already figured it out, hearing him confirm it shattered whatever sliver of hope she held for them. It felt like someone had ripped her heart from her chest and threw it all the way to Stamford. “Oh.”

“And uh…” Why did he feel the need to explain this to her? She made her feelings perfectly known back in May. He wasn’t sure why he felt the need to tell her about it in the first place. Maybe he thought it would make everything better?

“That’s totally cool. You can do whatever you want.” She hoped he couldn’t detect the slight edge in her tone. The Jim she knew would have picked up on it immediately and would have pleaded with her to tell him what was going on and why she seemed so distressed. This Jim—this newly evolving Jim—didn’t even have a clue or if he did, he didn’t care enough to call her out on it.

Jim was so distracted by what she said that he completely missed the slightly strained tone in her voice. _‘I can do whatever I want? Ok, Pam. Thanks for the permission.’_ “Oh. Ok…uhh…good.”

“We’re friends.” She was certain that she was saying it more for her benefit than his. How stupid could she have been to think that he would come back and the last six months would just fade away? “We’ll always be friends.”

He thought that some of the awkwardness between them would dissipate if he told her about Karen, but instead, things felt even tenser. He thought that once he told her he was seeing someone that maybe she’d give him some insight into her current relationship status with Roy, but she didn’t _. ‘Dammit Pam. What is going on?’_ “Right.”

She turned back to her car. She had to get the fuck out of there. Once she opened the door, she turned back toward him. “It’s good to have you back.” That was it. That was all the casual conversation she could handle. The moment she closed her door, tears sprung into her eyes. She bit down on her lip in order to stop it, but instead of quelling the urge, her bottom lip began to bleed. She leaned forward and rested her head against the steering wheel as she sobbed.

Jim furrowed his eyebrows as he opened his car door. “Yeah,” he mumbled as he slid into his seat. “Good to be back.” He forced himself not to look back at her as he started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. He had spent the last four months looking back. He couldn’t do it anymore.


	5. Just Not Yet

Two weeks.

She had survived the first two weeks. It had been two weeks since the merger. Two weeks since a handful of members from the Stamford branch joined the Scranton one. Two weeks since Jim came back. Two weeks since she found out that he was dating someone else.

And, as she had quickly discovered, that someone else just so happened to be working at the office as well.

Hell.

It was pure hell.

Jim and Karen hadn’t gone public with their relationship. Pam knew it was none of her business, but couldn’t help but to wonder why they hadn’t. It wasn’t any of her business and she knew she held no claim on Jim, but still, she couldn’t help but to stare at the couple every time they interacted with one another. She pretended to be filing some paperwork as she listened to Karen openly flirt with him. She’d watch Jim out of the corner of her eye as he smiled in response and responded with a flirty comment of his own. To anyone else, it seemed perfectly innocent enough, but whenever Pam saw them together, her heart would break even more.

Jim and Karen’s once casual flirtation had grown a little more physical over the last few days. Karen would find any excuse to lightly caress his back. Jim’s fingers would brush against hers at the copier. It all seemed innocent enough, but all Pam wanted to do was to scream out that this was a working office and PDA wasn’t acceptable.

But she didn’t.

She did; however, listen as several of her co-workers began to speculate about the pair. Andy insisted that there was nothing going on, while Kevin and Phyllis were convinced that they were—at the very least—sleeping together, if not actually dating.

Once the sex talk began, Pam attempted to tune them all out, but whenever someone directly asked her if she knew anything or what she thought about it, she remained as neutral as possible. She’d tell them that she didn’t know anything, that it wasn’t really any of their business, and if Jim and Karen wanted the office to know, then they would tell everyone.

She refused to tell anyone the truth.

Because she and Jim were friends.

Friends who hadn’t had a conversation in two weeks.

Friends who avoided being alone with one another.

Friends who only spoke with one another about work, and only when absolutely necessary.

He was five feet away from her, but she could have sworn that he never felt further away. Every single time she got the nerve up to talk to him, to simply walk over to his desk to say ‘hi’ or ask how the unpacking was coming along, she’d chicken out. Either Karen would walk up to him or Michael would come barreling out of his office with some ridiculous “crisis” or she’d notice some tension in his shoulders and take it as a sign that it simply wasn’t the right time for them to talk.

She couldn’t help but to wonder if she was the reason why he seemed so tense.

After several days and a number of failed attempts, she had practically given up on the idea all together.

After all, he was the one who avoided eye contact with her.  He was the one who purposefully took his lunch half an hour before she did.  He was the one who made sure that the chairs on either side of him were occupied whenever they had a conference meeting.  He was the one who left right at 5:00 every day in order to avoid getting stuck in the elevator with her.

They were five feet away from one another and yet, they hadn’t exchanged more than a dozen words in the last two weeks.

But they were still friends.

Right? 

For his part, Jim had made the conscious decision to avoid being alone with Pam until he knew he could handle it. Their conversation in the parking lot didn’t go quite as well as he had planned, but he knew that it hadn’t been a very well thought out idea in the first place. He thought that by telling her he was seeing someone, the tension between them would disappear. Instead, it had grown exponentially over the last couple of weeks. At least, that’s how he felt. Maybe it was all one sided. After all, if she had anything to say, surely she would have done it at some point in the last six months.

And now, he had a new relationship (for lack of a better term) to focus on.

Karen was just as easy-going as she seemed. They had hung out a handful of times over the last few weeks. They agreed, at least for now, not to spend the night at each other’s places, not to go to any restaurant that could be deemed romantic, not to show any sort of affection in public, and they didn’t have to be monogamous with one another. They decided that they could go out with whomever they wanted to, but if things got intimate, they needed to tell the other person, just to stay safe.

While Jim had no intention of dating around, he was more than ok with the parameters of their “relationship”. It meant that they didn’t have to label whatever it was that they were doing. They were two consenting adults, entering into an adult relationship. Both readily admitted that they weren’t ready for a commitment, but this? This, he could do.

It was a nice distraction, a wonderful relief from the hell he had been in for months—years, if he were to be perfectly honest with himself. When he was around Karen, he was able to turn his brain off for a little while, and after months of overanalyzing every single word, every look, every interaction with an unattainable woman, being able to simply breathe without thinking about Pam Beesly was more than welcomed—it was encouraged.

He was starting to learn how to breathe again, how to exist in the same space with the only woman who had ever broken his heart.

They hadn’t really spoken to one another since their conversation in the parking lot after his first day back, but that was beside the point. He had to learn how to crawl before he could learn how to walk.

Karen, for her part, had begun to blur the lines on the whole ‘public displays of affection’ rule. She had begun to run her hand across his back whenever she walked around him. She’d intentionally brush her fingers against his knuckles if they were at the copy machine together. She’d even managed to grab his ass in the break room once—in full view of Toby and Oscar, both of whom had, thankfully, been reading the newspaper. Jim hadn’t said anything to her about it, but knew that if things continued to escalate, they’d have to define what they could and couldn’t do while at work.

After all, they had a job to do.

Despite Michael’s attempts to distract them from it.

Despite the unwavering desire Jim had to turn around and steal a glance or two at the receptionist.

He was in the middle of one such debate when his phone suddenly rang. Grateful for the distraction, he picked the phone up on the first ring. “Jim Halpert.”

“I am so horny.”

Jim froze. Had he suddenly been dropped into an alternate universe? He waited a beat for the caller to offer some clarification. When it never came, he looked over at Andy’s desk. “Ok,” he began slowly, “I can’t help you with that.”

Andy spun around in his seat as he stared at Jim. “Oh, I think you can, Big Tuna.” He looked past Jim and toward the back of the office where Kelly stood with Ryan. “Tell me about that Indian chick, Kelly. She seems pretty slutty. Good for a romp in the sack." 

Jim could feel his jaw twitch in response. He knew that Andy was harmless, but still, Jim felt protective over Kelly. They had become pretty goods friends in the last year, and even if they weren’t, Jim couldn’t stand it when he heard anyone talk about women like that. “She is dating Ryan, I think.”

“Oh, and I care why?”

He wanted to hang up the phone, but knew if he didn’t, there was no telling what Andy might say or do next. Besides, Jim reasoned, if he could steer Andy away from his sudden desire to pursue the women in the office, then maybe they all could avoid the inevitable disaster that would follow. “She’s…high maintenance.”

“Next. How about…” Andy quickly thought about some of the other women in the office. After a few seconds, he nodded his head and mouthed ‘Angela’ to Jim. He leaned back a little further in his seat. “Blondes are more fun. Come on, trust me on that.”

“Yeah, trust me. That would be fun for no one.” Angela seemed to be able to handle herself just fine. Jim was actually more worried about what she might do to Andy if he even tried to proposition her.

Andy sighed. “Ok. Fine.”

Jim was grateful that this conversation seemed to be coming to an end. The last thing he wanted was to subject some poor woman—any woman for that matter—to Andy. Despite his offensive comments, he was a good guy. However, Jim knew the women in the office. He knew that there wasn’t a love connection to be made. “Ok.”

But Andy was not about to be so easily deterred. “Pam,” he finally decided, “the receptionist.”

Jim froze. Pam. His Pa—nope. Not his Pam. Never has been his Pam. Never will be his Pam. Jim switched the phone to his right hand as he bit down his bottom lip. There was no logical way that he could get out of this. He could make something up—like how she already had a boyfriend or how she was more high maintenance than Kelly was—but he knew that it would inevitably get back to Pam and things between them would become even more awkward than they already were.

“Pam,” Andy reiterated when he noticed that Jim hadn’t responded. “Should I go for it?”

The thought of anyone ‘going for it’ when it came to Pam sent a sharp pain through his chest, but at the same time, Jim wasn’t completely sure what—if anything—was going on between her and Roy. Roy had visited Pam’s desk a handful of times over the last few weeks and they seemed friendlier now than when they were actually engaged. He had heard varying reports from several different people about whether or not they were seeing one another again or if Roy was simply trying to win her back. Jim wasn’t sure what to believe.

He glanced back at the receptionist desk.

Pam noticed the movement out of the corner of her eye. For the first time in two weeks, they made eye contact. After getting over the initial wave of shock she felt when their eyes met, she gave him a small smile. Was he actually going to acknowledge her existence now?

He returned her smile with one of his own. How was it possible to miss a smile that much? He quickly weighed his options. If he did this, then perhaps he could kill three birds with one stone: he could find out whether or not Roy and Pam were dating, he could alleviate some of the tension between himself and Pam, and he could do something he hadn’t done in a very long time: pull a prank on someone.

As he turned back toward his desk, his grin widened. “Absolutely you should.”

* * *

Even though he was primarily doing this in order to break the ice with Pam, Jim couldn’t help but to feel a little awkward about it as Andy sat in front of him. He had pen and paper in hand; ready to take notes in an attempt to win Pam over. Jim briefly wondered what would happen if Andy and Pam actually hit it off? What would he do? Was he actually playing with fire?

As he watched Andy label the page ‘How to Jam with Pam’, Jim breathed a sigh of relief. There was no possible way that Pam would go out on a date with Andy. He was a nice guy underneath the horny exterior, but they just were _too_ different. Jim knew she’d kill him before they even ordered appetizers.

“Ok,” Andy began as he looked up at Jim expectantly, “What is she into?”

Jim tried to act as nonchalantly as humanly possible as he leaned back in his seat. He knew Pam better than he knew anyone else. They had been friends for years, and while the last six months seemed like an eternity, he supposed that he still knew her far better than anyone else at the office did. He knew that she always enjoyed a good prank, even if it was at her expense. That’s why he hoped that this particular one would land and they could finally cut through the silence that hung between them for the last few weeks. Perhaps, even better than knowing what she liked, was knowing what she hated, and Jim knew very well what Pam disliked. “Frisbee-based competitions.”

“Are you kidding me,” Andy asked excitedly. “I started the main Frisbee gold club at Cornell, where I went to college. I live to frolf.”

Jim smiled. “Lead off with that.”

“Ok.” Andy wrote it down.

“She loves hunting.” Jim paused. “She also loves those ads for Six Flags with the old guy.” _‘Loves to mute them,’_ he thought to himself as he took another bite of the carrot in his hand.

Andy immediately began to hum the jingle for those commercials.

“Got it,” Jim waited a beat. “Also…do you speak Pig Latin?”

* * *

This day was shaping up to be another banner Friday for Pam. She had gotten everything done before lunch and was counting down the seconds until she could leave the Scranton Business Park and go home to a bottle of wine and watch a scary movie.

She used to hate horror films and then she made the fateful mistake of watching 28 Days Later. She realized that by the end of it, she wasn’t bawling her eyes out like she had with every other movie she had attempted to watch the first few months after Jim left. As a result, she began to watch more and more of those types of films. Of course, they terrified her, but it was better than watching anything else because every other genre had—at the very least—romance as a subplot, and that was the last thing she wanted to watch these days.

Her boring afternoon abruptly ended when Michael outted the fact that Martin—one of the Stamford transfers—had gone to prison for insider trading. And while everyone else (save Angela) seemed fine with it, Michael decided that he needed to emphasize the fact that being in prison was bad—way worse than working at the office. As a result, everyone began to antagonize Michael, which of course, resulted in him declaring that he was going to institute some changes that would make working there feel more like prison.

Somewhere in the midst of it all, Jim turned around and looked at her.

If she hadn’t been sitting down, she would have passed out from the sight.

He wasn’t looking above her or through her. He was making direct eye contact with her.

Unable to say a word, she smiled.

And he smiled back.

It was all too brief, but it was enough to temporarily pin back the pessimism that had taken root over the last few weeks. She knew that he was with Karen now, but maybe that smile meant that he missed her. Not that he missed her in a romantic way or anything like that, but maybe that he missed talking to her or just being friends or…something.

She tried not to overanalyze it. She tried to forget all about it, but she hadn’t seen him smile at her like that in months. She found herself daydreaming about it. She began to imagine a world in which she could see that soft smile anytime she wanted to.

She was in the midst of one such daydream when Andy strolled up to her desk. “Pam-a-lama-ding-dong.”

She looked up from her computer and gave him a small smile before her gaze fell back to her monitor.

“Listen, you’re cute.”

She looked up at him one more. What?

“There’s no getting around it.” He paused for a moment while he drummed his fingers against her desk. “So, I don’t know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days, we could drive out to the fields, crank up some tunes…smoke a few Macanudos…maybe even toss a disc around.”

Pam was shell-shocked. What the hell was happening? She was fairly certain that she shook her head at some point, but as she stared at Andy, she suddenly realized that it was going to take a lot more than a simple ‘no’ to get him to turn his attention elsewhere.

“Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?”

Pig Latin? Pam couldn’t think of anything more obnoxious. And was he tapping his fingers to the song that played during those Six Flags commercials? Had Andy read a book about everything in the world she hated and decided to cram as much of it as he could into a conversation with her? “Wow. I—" 

He held up a finger to her face. “Shh!” He slowly narrowed his eyes in an attempt to appear seductive. “Think about it.” He leaned away from the desk. “I’ll hit you back.”

Pam sat there for another moment, completely floored by this sudden change of events. She had barely said more than a few sentences to Andy in the two weeks that he had been there. How could he possibly be so wrong about all of her interests?

Her eyes narrowed after Andy smacked Jim on the back as he walked back toward his desk. Her mouth fell open slightly as Jim slowly turned his chair toward her. Even though he now faced her, he avoided eye contact until finally, he finally cut his eyes to hers. Pam pursed her lips and shook her head as she tried not to laugh. Of course, Jim was behind it. It made perfect sense that he would be. Every word that came out of Andy’s mouth was everything she couldn’t stand and there was only one person who would possibly know (or remember) all of that.

As much hope as his small smile gave her earlier, this—this prank on her—meant infinitely more.

God, had something changed? Was this the beginning of letting the past go?

* * *

 

Jim, and he was certain the rest of the office, knew exactly what Michael was trying to prove by making everyone go outside for an hour of ‘recreation time’. While he would normally jump at the chance to encourage Michael to do something more extreme, Jim’s attention had been directed elsewhere. It had been far too long since he had played a prank on Pam, and admittedly, it became the highlight of his day. He never tried to hide his involvement from her. When she smiled at him, the last six months melted away. Things almost felt normal again.

Except for the fact that he knew he wasn’t ready to have a one-on-one conversation with her.

So, while they were still miles away from where they used to be, while Jim was certain they’d never be quite that close again, he was relieved that they could—at the very least—recapture some of the playful banter they once shared.

As everyone got settled back in from being forced outside by their boss, another idea came to Jim. “Oh, Andy?” When Andy turned toward him, Jim crossed his arms over his chest. “I thought of one last tactic you can take with Pam.”

Andy leaned against Jim’s desk. “Yeah? What?”

“Quick question: Do you play the guitar?”

“I play the banjo.”

It took every ounce of strength he had to hold back the smile that threatened to form across his lips. “Hold on…let me think about that. Yes. That’ll work.” He waited a beat. “But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?”

Andy smirked as he leaned down to Jim’s eye level. “You know I can, my man,” he belted out, ever so slightly off-key.

 _‘Jackpot,’_ Jim thought as his eyes lit up in excitement. “Yep. That’s perfect.”

“Hey.”

Jim looked over his shoulder. Karen. In all of his scheming, he had barely said two words to her all day. They were supposed to go out for lunch, but he ended up cancelling on her in order to tell Andy about all of Pam’s ‘likes’. “Hey,” he greeted with a smile.

Andy, more confident than ever about his chance with Pam, walked around Jim and Karen. “I’m gonna go get my banjo out of my car.”

“Perfect,” Jim smirked before he turned his attention to Karen.

Karen couldn’t mask the grin from her face as she leaned against his desk. “What is going on?”

Jim glanced back at the door to insure that Andy had, indeed, left the office in order to get his banjo from his car. “I’m messing with Andy.” He glanced at his computer screen before he looked back at her. “I’m sending him to all of the women in the office with just…terrible information on how to get them to go out with him.” He couldn’t keep the smile from off of his face while he spoke. It had been so long—too long—since he had played a real prank on anyone. He figured Dwight would have been his first target, but Andy had presented himself on a silver platter and Jim simply couldn’t resist.

Karen couldn’t believe that she had been missing out on this all day. God, she had been drowning in paperwork from the Stamford school district sale. This seemed like the perfect break. “I love it. I want in. Who’s the target?”

Jim’s smile faltered slightly. It was at that moment when he realized exactly where Karen was leaning.

On Ryan’s desk.

On his old desk.

The desk where he and Pam almost—could have—

Jim looked away from her. “Oh, you know what,” he began slowly as he tried to rack his brain for a way to insure that Karen wouldn’t get involved with this particular prank. He couldn’t explain why he didn’t want her to get involved. He just…didn’t. “It was gonna be Pam, but—“

“Perfect. What do I do? Just give me an assignment.” The last few weeks had been chaotic, but now that things were beginning to settle down, Karen couldn’t wait for things to get back to normal again. Playing pranks on Andy with Jim had become one of her favorite things to do in Stamford. She was excited by the prospect of doing the same thing in Scranton. He knew the people at the Scranton branch far better than she did, so she was more than happy to take a back seat—the first few rounds, anyway.

Jim shifted uncomfortably in his seat before he leaned forward. God. How was he supposed to explain it? “Oh, you know what though?” His gaze fell to the conference room. “I feel like I already sicced him on Pam.” He cut his eyes back to Karen. “We’ll give her a break.” He glanced around the room. “Let’s think of someone else.” _‘Anyone else,’_ he inwardly pleaded. Although he fully intended to get Andy to serenade Pam with his banjo by the end of the day, he didn’t want Karen to be anywhere near it. There were just some things he wanted to do on his own—like taking full credit for whatever show tune Andy would surely belt out in an attempt to impress Pam.

* * *

Michael actually locked them in the conference room.

Martin had actually quit.

Michael actually put on a purple bandana and created a new persona: Prison Mike.

It was all too much, and yet, completely expected, Jim decided as he sat back down at his desk. Aside from his antics on their first day, Jim had begun to think that Michael might have calmed down from the havoc he used to create on a daily basis. Over the last few weeks, Jim had been able to get settled back in and had been able to reach out to most of his clients to inform them that he had moved back. His sales had even gone up—all because he hadn’t spent most of his time getting pulled into some crazy plot his boss had created.

Until today.

Until Michael found out about Martin’s background and everything spiraled.

God. Maybe if he hadn’t been so preoccupied with the Andy situation, he could have intercepted Martin and diverted Michael’s attention away from his friend’s past. Jim got along well with Martin. He was a nice guy. He had just made a mistake that—unfortunately for everyone—Michael found out about and proceeded to share with the entire group.

It wasn’t malicious. The simple truth of it all was that his boss couldn’t keep a secret to save his life.

Except for one, it seemed.

Jim was surprised, and extremely grateful, that Michael had kept his secret about Pam. Not the first one—the one that he had shared with Michael on the booze cruise—but it seemed as if Michael had kept their conversation at the convention a secret. Even though Michael nearly blurted it out on his first day back, Jim had been pleasantly surprised by the fact that Michael hadn’t even come close to revealing the real reason why he left Scranton. It was strange. Jim was beginning to believe that Michael had somehow matured within the last six months, but no. He hadn’t. Today proved it.

As he tried to wrap up some of the paperwork he had been working on before their conference meeting (and subsequent lock-up), he heard light strumming…from a banjo.

Showtime.

In an instant, the stress of the day faded away as he heard the sweet, sweet musical stylings of one Andrew Bernard.

* * *

Pam was completely and utterly amused by Andy’s rendition of “Rainbow Connection”. She had been counting down the seconds until 5:00, ready to put another week behind her, but then Andy strolled into the office, banjo in hand, and she knew that her week wasn’t over just yet. Then, in front of the entire office, he asked her to sit down on the couch with him as he serenaded her and—by extension—the rest of the office. As Pam watched Andy, she couldn’t help but to think that this entire prank was Jim’s version of a peace offering—a heart-felt attempt to push through the tension that had risen between them.

She couldn’t have asked for anything better.

“So we’ve been told, and some choose to believe it. I know they’re wrong wait and see. ‘Cause one day we’ll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay.”

 _‘Pig Latin. Nice touch,’_ Pam mused before she turned her head to the side in order to look at Jim. Her grin widened when she noticed the way his entire body was shaking. She couldn’t see his face, but knew that he was trying to stifle his laughter. She couldn’t believe that he had been able to convince Andy to serenade her in a falsetto tone to “Rainbow Connection”. Was there anything Jim couldn’t convince him to do?

“The lovers, the dreamers, and me….la da da da da da de…la la da da da da da de.”

Jim tried the best he could to keep a straight face, but as his co-workers stared at Pam and Andy, some with curiosity, others with utter confusion, he couldn’t contain it any longer. He covered his mouth with his hand as Andy strummed the last few bars.

Karen grinned as she slung her laptop bag over her shoulder and walked toward Jim’s desk. “Nice work,” she commended.

Jim looked up at her. “Oh, that,” he casually gestured at the pair still seated on the couch, “That wasn’t me. That was all Andy.”

She giggled in response. She had been slightly annoyed by the fact that Jim had gone through with his prank without her, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t get involved now. “Oh, I’m sure. Well, I can play too.” Before Jim could even think to question Karen on what she meant by that, she turned her attention to the couple seated on the couch. “Hey Andy, Pam. Do you guys want to go get a drink with us?”

Jim’s smile immediately fell, as did Pam’s.

Andy practically beamed at the prospect. He quickly sat his banjo down next to him before he turned to Pam.   “Well? Do you?”

Pam swallowed harshly as she looked back and forth between Andy and Karen. She did not sign up for this—whatever this was turning into. Was this supposed to be some sort of double date?

The last thing she wanted to do was to go somewhere with Andy and be forced to watch Karen and Jim act like the couple that they were. Yes, she’d be surrounded by alcohol to help her cope, but she knew that no matter where they went, there wouldn’t be enough liquor to help her survive the first thirty seconds, let alone enough to help her endure an entire drink.

Still, after the day she had and after losing Martin—one of the few sane people that transferred from Stamford—she couldn’t deny the fact that she needed something to drink. “Sure,” she finally answered before she glanced around the office. “Hey,” she announced to everyone, “Some of us are going to go get a drink at…” her gaze fell to Karen for a beat, “Poor Richard’s,” Pam quickly decided. “Anyone else wanna come?” It was true that the last thing she wanted to do was to grab a drink with the guy she couldn’t stop thinking about and his beautiful girlfriend, but she wasn’t about to let Jim think that she couldn’t handle being around him. If she managed to get a big group to go, then surely it would help to dilute the tension. She was fairly certain that Meredith and Kevin would go. She was pleasantly surprised when Kelly volunteered herself and Ryan. Phyllis also eagerly accepted the offer.

While Jim felt more at ease with the fact that several of his co-workers were going with them, he still would rather do anything else in the world. His stomach churned as he thought about how he’d be forced to watch Andy flirt with Pam for the next hour or two. He quickly tried to think of a reason to get out of it, but he was so shell shocked at how quickly it all happened that, before he knew it, he was at Poor Richard’s, seated next to Karen and across from Pam, with a half-drunken whiskey on the rocks between his hands.

In total, there was a group of nine people, and yet somehow, in some horrific way, _she_ ended up being seated right in front of him.

It was completely by accident. He and Karen had been the first to arrive. He quickly determined that he could minimize the odds of being seated anywhere near her if he sat at the very end of the table. When Karen sat next to him, he only had to worry about the seat across from him. He figured that Kevin would occupy it so they could talk about their fantasy football league, but Kevin had opted to sit at the opposite end of the table by Meredith. He had no idea why until the waitress placed an entire pitcher of beer and two pint glasses in front of the redhead. As she eagerly shared the pitcher with Kevin, it made perfect sense: she was buying his drinks—for whatever reason.

Kelly and Ryan wandered in next. While certainly not his first choice, he decided that making small talk with Ryan wouldn’t be the worst way to spend the evening. His back-up plan quickly failed as they chose to sit across from Meredith and Kevin. They were only seated for about five minutes before Ryan pulled Kelly away from the table and into a corner as they argued about whether or not he had flirted with the waitress.

Had he? Jim had no idea because at that moment, Andy, Pam, and Phyllis entered the bar. While Andy was helping Pam out of her coat, Phyllis slid into the seat next to Kelly’s. The only seats that remained were the ones right in front of Karen and him. When Andy draped Pam’s coat across the back of the seat in front of Jim, he knew he was screwed.

_Fan-fucking-tastic._

It was one thing to play a prank on her a work, to try to find some sort of common ground and slowly learn how to co-exist with one another again. It was quite another to go out for a drink, sit across from her, be forced to watch someone else flirt with her, and pretend that it was all ok because he had a ‘casual’ thing with the woman who was seated next to him.

When did his life get so fucked up?

Pam originally intended to drink one beer and leave, but when she realized where she would be sitting at the table, she knew she needed something stronger—a lot stronger. She quickly ordered a gin and tonic, which immediately made Jim lift his eyebrows in surprise. When she noticed the surprised look on his face, she crossed her arms over her chest as her elbows rested on the table. “What?”

“Nothing,” he shook his head and chuckled before he took a swig of his drink. “I just…I didn’t know that you were a big gin drinker.”

She looked down at her folded arms and picked a piece of lint off of her cardigan before she looked back up at him. “What can I say, Jim? I’m evolving.”

Ouch. Jim knew he probably deserved that. “Touché,” he mumbled as he sat his drink down on the table. The overwhelming urge to order an entire bottle of whisky suddenly hit him. God, please let Karen and Andy monopolize this conversation with anything— _anything else_.

“So, when did you two start dating,” Andy asked Karen and Jim.

 _‘Except that,’_ Jim inwardly cringed. He avoided looking at Pam all together and instead, turned to Karen, who merely shrugged. “Um…a couple of weeks ago.” Karen glanced at Jim before she looked back at Andy. “It’s nothing…serious.”

Pam turned completely around in her seat, desperate to find their waitress and get her drink. She was way too sober to hear all about how Jim and Karen got together. She was half tempted to get out of her seat and sprint toward the end of the table where Meredith and Kevin were. It was becoming painfully obvious with every passing second that Kelly and Ryan were going to be arguing or making out or doing something other than socializing with the rest of group for the majority of the evening.

She nearly fled the bar all together when she noticed that Karen had looped her arm through Jim’s, whose hands still gripped his drink.

Mercifully— _thankfully_ —Phyllis, Andy, and Pam’s drinks arrived. Pam went ahead and ordered another one before she quickly gulped down the first. She wasn’t entirely sure how she was going to get home, but she would worry about that later. Right now, in order to save face and pretend that the sight of Karen’s hand on Jim’s bicep hadn’t sent a wave of nausea throughout her entire body, Pam knew she had to pour as much liquor as she could handle down her throat.

“Wow.” Andy’s eyes widened when Pam sat the empty glass down. Jim had said nothing about Pam being a big drinker. “Thirsty?”

Pam looked down at the empty glass before she looked back at him. “Long day.”

“Tell me about it,” Karen told her as she slid closer to Jim. “Has Michael ever done that before?" 

“Prison Mike is a new character,” Phyllis chimed in, “But if you’re asking if his fixations have ever made someone quit before…the answer is yes.”

“Yeah, he did it to Tony on our first day,” Andy pointed out.

“No, Tony got fired,” Kevin spoke up from the end of the table.

“But he received a severance package in the process, so who’s the real winner here,” Meredith questioned as she poured herself another drink.

The group considered that for a long moment.

When she realized that Jim wasn’t going to stand up for their boss, Pam decided that she would. “He’s not that bad.” She paused. “Well, he has his moments, but he has a good heart. It’s just nestled underneath a lot of…of…”

“Ignorance,” Phyllis offered.

Pam leaned back in her seat. “He means well.”

“There’s never a dull moment,” Jim told Karen.

“That’s true. Like the time Michael ki—,” Kevin furrowed his eyebrows together. Jim hadn’t been there for that. “Hey Jim, did Pam tell you what happened to Oscar?”

Jim frowned. He knew that Oscar had been on some sort of leave, but Toby hadn’t filled him in on the details. He figured that it must have been some sort of medical leave or maybe he had decided to take all of his paid time off at once. He never thought that there might be any kind of backstory to it. He glanced at Pam. “What happened to Oscar?”

When Pam opened her mouth to answer him, the waitress arrived with her second drink. After Meredith ordered another pitcher of beer, Pam told the waitress to go ahead and get number three ready. After she left, Pam took a sip before she looked up at Jim. “Michael…found out that Oscar’s…gay.”

A million different scenarios began to play themselves out in Jim’s mind. He wasn’t sure where Pam was going to go with this, but for Oscar to not be at work for at least the last two weeks, he was certain that something completely outrageous had happened.

“After he found out, Michael decided to have a conference meeting about it because…for some reason, it was very important to out him in front of everyone.” Pam sighed. “Well, in order to…prove…that he accepted Oscar’s sexuality, he…he kissed him.”

Jim’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry. He what?”

Karen laughed. She must have misheard Pam. “What?”

Pam nodded before she took another sip of her drink. “Yeah.” It took everything she had at the time not to call Jim and tell him, but after not hearing back from him those first few weeks, Pam had thought it best to just leave him alone. She was surprised that he hadn’t heard it from someone else before now.

“In order to prevent Oscar from suing the company, they offered him three months of paid vacation and a company car,” Phyllis filled in before she took another sip of her wine.

“It was like watching a car crash in slow motion,” Pam told them. “You’re so horrified, but you can’t look away.”

“Easily in the top five of craziest things Michael has ever done,” Meredith added.

Jim took another sip of his drink as he thought about everything he had missed while he was in Stamford. What else was there? He briefly wondered how Pam could have kept that to herself and not immediately pick up the phone and call him, but at the same time, he knew that weren’t on the best of terms then. 

 _Hell._ They weren’t on the best of terms now. As the waitress dropped off the next round of drinks, Jim took the opportunity to order another. He was determined not to consume any more than that, but as he watched Pam hand the waitress her second empty glass, he thought about the last Dundies he went to and how a very drunk Pam wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

It had barely been a year ago, but God, it felt like another lifetime ago.

* * *

Three drinks in and Pam finally gathered the courage to get up and sit at the other end of the table. When Kelly and Ryan finally came back, Pam slid her chair back to get up, but instead of taking the seat, Ryan sat down and Kelly sat on top of him. While Pam could never understand what it was that Kelly saw in Ryan, she had never been more thankful for him than she was at that moment. She could feel the effects of the alcohol she had consumed and was grateful that it was Friday and she could spend the entire next day in bed nursing whatever hangover she was certain she’d end up with.

Kevin had ordered a couple of appetizers and the entire group passed the baskets of wings and fries around the table. Somewhere in the midst of it all, Meredith ordered a round of shots for everyone. Jim and Andy declined the offer while everyone else participated.

Pam wasn’t sure it what it was, but it burned like hell as it slid down her throat.

She wasn’t sure how long they had been there by the time the numbness finally washed over her, but once it hit, she knew that everything would be fine.

For tonight, anyway.

When she stood up, the entire world swayed, but it was a dance she already knew. The last time it happened was the night Jim told her how he felt. Considering how many times she had replayed every millisecond of that night, it made sense that she would remember the way the world danced around her while she consumed drink after drink after his confession. It was a feeling she didn’t necessarily like, but it was a sensation she knew and oddly enough, that comforted her. She mustered up as much sobriety as she could as she wandered toward the bathroom.

She had always hated the darkened, narrow hallway that led to the bathrooms at Poor Richard’s. It made her claustrophobic every time she had to walk down it, but not tonight. Tonight, she used the narrowness to her advantage. She placed her hands against either side of the wall in order to maintain her balance as she made her way to the bathroom.

Once safely inside the confines of the women’s room, she pulled her hairclip out and ran her fingers through her curls. She rarely wore her hair completely down at work. It always seemed to get in the way, and the one time she actually attempted it, she got a lot of unwanted attention from her male co-workers, most notably Michael, who made her so uncomfortable that she used a rubber band in order to pull her hair back.

That was three years ago.

Ever since then, pulling her hair back at work had become a habit more than anything else. Still, after having it pulled back for nearly 12 hours, it had begun to give her a headache. Even though deep down, she knew it probably had more to do with the alcohol and the fact that she had barely eaten anything that day, she decided that the hair clip was the culprit. She ran her fingers through her hair once more before she finally exited the women’s room.

She barely took two steps before she stumbled. Gratefully, a pair of hands reached out to steady her. Instinctively, she clutched onto her savior’s forearms. The last thing she wanted was to end up on the floor of Poor Richard’s in front of half of her co-workers. When she looked up to thank her hero, she was shocked and mortified to see a familiar pair of green eyes staring back at her. 

“Woah,” a smile tugged at the corners of his lips, “Are you ok, Beesly?”

Pam’s lips parted when he uttered his nickname for her. She had always hated nicknames, at least the ones other people gave her. Pam was already a nickname, for crying out loud! When Roy started calling her ‘Pammy’, she tried to get him to stop. She begged, pleaded, even tried to call him ‘Rory’, but it didn’t work. For nearly a decade, she had to suffer through that nickname, but there was something about ‘Beesly’ that she never minded or even thought to question. Jim was the only person who called her that, and she didn’t notice that he had taken to calling her that until after Michael told her that Jim had ‘a thing’ for her. After he moved to Stamford, she clung to every memory of him calling her that—at least the memories she could recall. She memorized the way it rolled off his tongue, the way his eyes lit up as he said it, the (dare she think it) flirtatious way he articulated it. It quickly became one of the things she missed the most about him. She nearly passed out when she heard it on the phone during the one conversation they had while he had been away, but now, even though they were in a darkened hallway of a bar, she could still detect the slight teasing in his tone.

Even though she felt numb, thanks to the alcohol she had quickly consumed, hearing ‘Beesly’ again immediately sent a chill throughout her entire body.

 _Fuck._ Would there ever come a day when Jim Halpert wouldn’t have this type of effect on her? “I…um…” she fumbled as she tried to focus her attention on what to say as opposed to the fact that her fingers still gripped his forearms and his hands still held her waist. “Yeah. I just…there’s a step,” she looked behind her, but it was far too dark to confirm whether or not she actually missed a step or if she was really that intoxicated.

Despite the incredible awkwardness of the entire night, he couldn’t help but to smile when he caught her. Calling her ‘Beesly’ had been a gut reaction. Given a second to think about it, he wouldn’t have said it, but as he marveled at how it was even possible to detect the slight flush in her cheeks (even in the dark), he also couldn’t help but to wonder just how drunk she was. “At least this time I was able to catch you,” he joked.

The Dundie’s. That time a drunk Pam fell off of her stool, got banned from Chili’s for life, and kissed Jim in front of everyone. She swore she’d never get that drunk again, yet, here she was. She swallowed as she looked down at her hands. Despite every instinct that shouted at her not to, she slowly pulled her hands away from him. “I’m never going to live that one down, am I?”

“Nope.” He was thankful for the darkness that surrounded them. That way, she wouldn’t see the disappointment he knew marred his features as she pulled away from him. He removed his hands from her waist and crossed them over his chest as he leaned back against the wall. They were still physically close to one another, the cramped hallway did not offer the separation he knew he should seek; however, he was grateful that, for whatever reason, their conversation didn’t make him wish he could be anywhere else. On the contrary, this had to be the most relaxed he had felt in a very long time. He wasn’t going to question it. He only wanted to enjoy it for as long as possible. “That reminds me…how were The Dundies this year?”

 _‘A lot more boring,’_ was the first thought that came to her mind. Even in her inebriated state, she knew revealing that would be completely inappropriate given his current relationships status. Still, her smile widened at his question. “I won for 'Whitest Sneakers' again.”

“I’m not surprised,” he smiled. “I mean, have you seen your Keds lately, Beesly? I’m sure everyone who thought about competing for it took one look at your shoes and threw in the towel.” He did it again. He called her ‘Beesly’ again. It wasn’t intentional—just completely natural. “Did Ping make an appearance?”

“Oh yeah,” she rolled her eyes. “Michael decided to class it up a bit this year. We went to Hooter’s.”

Jim leaned his head back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling as he laughed. He really had missed a lot. “Hooter’s? Really. How did Angela like that?”

Pam smirked. “At first, she was…well…Angela, but oddly enough, I think she ended up having a good night.” _‘With Dwight,’_ she mentally added. “Ryan won Sexiest in the Office again. Stanley got Great Work.” Her smile faltered slightly. “Um…Michael had this…um…tribute.”

Jim furrowed his eyebrows as he lowered his gaze back down to hers. He could tell by the way she was stammering that it must have had something to do with him. “Tribute?”

“Uh…yeah…I can’t believe he didn’t tell you, but you received the first ever ‘In Memorium’ Dundie.”

Jim bit his bottom lip as he tried not to laugh. “I’m sorry. You have to explain this to me.”

She nodded. “Yeah. Michael had this entire speech…even a slideshow. He teared up, actually.” Her gaze fell to the ground. “It was actually very sweet. He…He really missed you.”

Jim’s smile slowly faded. There was something in the way she suddenly avoided his gaze that prompted him to continue down the path of this potentially dangerous conversation. “He did?”

Pam nodded. She tucked her hair behind her ears before she forced herself to look up at him. “I mean…we all did.” She could tell that they were on the cusp of making things awkward again. Desperate to maintain the casualness she felt with him, she tried to make light of it all. “Dwight, especially.”

He scoffed. “Oh. Yeah. I’m sure he really missed me.”

She nodded. “Honestly, I think he did. In his own Dwight way, of course.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “Speaking of, I’m kinda surprised that you didn’t prank him on your first day back.”

He smirked. “Well, it was a busy day. Figured I’d ease back in and hit him when he least expects it.”

“Ahh.” She crossed her arms. “Well, for what it’s worth, I feel honored that you chose me as your first victim.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he replied as innocently as possible. When she narrowed her eyes at him, he grinned. “I thought we all needed to hear the sweet, dulcet tones of Andrew Bernard after everything that happened.”

“Yeah….” She sighed. “I’m sure being locked in a conference room and having your friend quit within the span of an hour really made you glad that you came back, huh?" 

Jim slid his hands into the front pockets of his slacks. “I knew what I was getting into when I decided to come back.”

Pam slowly nodded. She wasn’t entirely sure whether he was just referring to Michael’s antics or if he meant something else by that.

Jim hadn’t realized what he said until the words had already left him. He hadn’t intended to imply the double meaning, nor was he sure how, with a single sentence, he managed to steer the entire conversation back to the one thing that would certainly ruin it.

It was also at that moment that he realized just how close they were to one another. Their hug on his first day back had been completely spontaneous. While he hadn’t planned on ending up in cramped, darkened hallway with her, somehow it just happened, and by some miracle, they managed to have a normal conversation. It almost felt like he never left.

Almost.

Jim lowered his gaze to her left hand, which rested on her upper right arm, as her arms remained crossed. There was no engagement ring. There was no invisible barrier, nothing that could separate them, and yet, the chasm between them grew larger by the day. In that moment, he remembered that she had six months to say something— _anything_ —and she never did. In the past, he had always consoled himself with the fact that if she hadn’t been with Roy, if he had been the one to meet her first, then everything would be different, but as he stared at her bare finger, he realized that he had been completely wrong. Everything had changed and yet, she never once reached out to him.

The relaxation he felt from the two drinks he consumed earlier vanished. Even a simple conversation with her managed to evoke all of these feelings Jim hadn’t even begun to process. He knew he needed to. He knew that in order to truly let her go, he would need to face the past head on, but the way his heart skipped a beat when she grabbed his arms earlier told him that he wasn’t ready for that battle yet.

“I’m glad.” Her gaze wandered over to their table as she noticed that several of her co-workers had stood up and were putting their coats on. It was time to go. 

Jim frowned. “What?”

Her heart raced as she continued to watch her co-workers. She wasn’t sure how or why, but a sudden burst of adrenaline flowed through her veins. Even if they never talked about why he left or how she felt while he was gone, there was something she could—and would—tell him. “I’m glad you decided to come back.”


	6. Not Your Ho No Mo'

Pam groaned the moment she put her car in park. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy the parties that Michael constantly insisted upon having. She enjoyed them—for the most part. It was just that, more often than not, she was forced to carry all of the decorations and food from her car to the office. It took several trips most of the time and she always ended up passing people she worked with who knew exactly what she was doing, and yet, they never once offered to help.

The moment she opened her car door and popped the trunk, she spotted Ryan across the parking lot. She knew that he knew what today was and that she had several bags she needed to lug upstairs. It wasn’t enough that she had to do all of the shopping. She also had to make sure the perishable items were stored safely in her apartment overnight. Then, she had to reload the car in the morning (by herself) and drive to work just to unload it all once again.

It really should be Angela’s job. She was the head of the party planning committee. This was her annual Christmas party. She always dictated which decorations to use, what foods to bring, even what music played during it. She could say it was the committee’s decision all she wanted to, but when it came down to it, it was all her idea.

Pam rolled her eyes after Ryan walked by her without a word.

Not that she expected him to offer to help. He never did.

No one ever did. 

Except for Jim. 

But the last party they had was the day he came back to Scranton. She had gotten to work early that morning in order to set everything up. This time, she arrived just a few minutes before 8:00. She wondered if he would offer to help if he came into the lot within the next few minutes—just like old times.

Old times.

As Pam tried to figure out the best way to carry everything in order to minimize her trips while also insuring that she wouldn’t drop anything, she thought about the last couple of weeks. Things were far from normal with Jim, but what was even considered to be normal these days? Ever since their semi-drunken conversation at Poor Richard’s, Pam noticed that while he wasn’t actively seeking out opportunities to talk to her, he had stopped openly avoiding her. They rode on the elevator together a couple of times since that night. He now greeted her when he came in every morning. God, they had even eaten in the break room together a handful of times.

Of course, they weren’t alone. Oh, no. Jim still appeared to be avoiding one-on-one conversations with her, and after that night at Poor Richard’s, Pam knew that she was doing the same thing.

Karen and Jim were most definitely dating. Karen had confirmed as much that night.

And Pam told Jim that she was glad he came back.

And then, in order to avoid any burst of awkwardness at her confession, she pointed out the fact that everyone else in their party had begun to head out.

And that was the end of that conversation.

She had no idea how he felt about her admission, if he had even given it a second thought. Casual conversations—though still limited to such riveting topics as the weather, food, and what sort of antics Michael had gotten into that day—had been easier, though they remained few and far between.

It also seemed as if the PDA she witnessed between Karen and Jim before that night had all but disappeared. Some days, she wondered whether or not they were still dating.

Not that it would change anything.

Jim had been back for a month and while some things had gotten better, Pam could feel the distance between them continue to grow with every passing day. She wasn’t sure what label to place on their relationship, but she knew that they were headed toward ‘co-worker’ territory, and the thought of reducing their friendship to something that sounded so clinical made her nauseous.

“Do you need some help?”

It was the question she had wished someone— _anyone_ —would have asked during the hundred parties that preceded this one, but when she heard an all too familiar voice offer her a bit of saving grace, it came from the most unlikely of sources.

Pam turned her head to the side and proceeded to move the hair from her eyes as a small smile formed at the corners of her lips. “Absolutely.”

She laughed as she began to place bag after bag on her helping hand’s arms. “You got it?”

“Yeah,” he laughed. “I can handle a few more. That way we only need to make one trip.”

She giggled. “Okay.” She turned back toward her trunk in order to grab a few more bags when a silver Saab pulled into the parking lot.

By the time she slammed the empty trunk closed, she heard a car door close behind her.

“Do you guys need any help?”

Pam turned her head back, even as she walked to the door. “No thanks,” she called out over her shoulder.

Jim watched as Roy balanced nearly all of the bags that had been in Pam’s trunk, while Pam only carried a few. It was the most innocent of gestures, and Jim was glad that Roy had been there to help, but at the same time, he couldn’t help but to wish he had shown up five minutes earlier or even five minutes later. Either way, he wouldn’t have been subjected to the sight before him. Seeing Pam smile had always been one of the best sights to behold, but damn, he wanted to be the one to make her smile. He wanted to be the one to help her with all of the decorations and food trays. He wanted to be her hero.

But he wasn’t.

He never really was.

He quickly decided to linger behind the suddenly chatty pair. He heard them both laugh as the door to the building closed behind Pam. It sounded like they were perfectly in sync—a sound that, Jim would confess, he had never heard from them before. Before that moment, Jim couldn’t recall a single time when it felt like Pam and Roy were on the same page.   Even on the booze cruise—even when Pam accepted the date that Roy declared to be their wedding day—there seemed to be a little hesitation reflected in her eyes. Jim spent nearly a year trying to write it off, but now—now that he heard the synchronicity in their tones, he knew that something had shifted between the formerly engaged couple. He wasn’t sure what. Hell, he didn’t know if they were just friends or if they had gotten back together. At this point, he was afraid to find out. He knew he shouldn’t care. He knew that every move, every word, every gesture he made towards Pam since he came back had been carefully calculated. God. Even that night at Poor Richard’s, he knew that she had gone to the bathroom. He walked down that hallway purposefully trying to seek her out. He was hell bent on proving that he could have a conversation with her without wanting to immediately fall at her feet. Even though he accomplished his mission, he knew that it wasn’t a real achievement. It was tactical at best. The last few weeks, he fooled himself into believing that he and Pam could be friends, that they could recapture some of what they lost, but it wasn’t real. None of it was. At the end of the day, he still went home, consumed and possessed by memories of the woman he couldn’t seem to let go.

As much as he liked Karen, as much as he enjoyed her company, he knew he couldn’t shield himself from Pam with Karen forever. While being around Karen helped him to forget—however temporarily—about Pam, cracks in that armor had begun to re-appear ever since their conversation at Poor Richard’s. He wanted to forget what she said. He needed to forget it, but even as he buried himself into someone else—even as he tried to release his frustration into his pseudo-girlfriend night after night, he always ended up being completely unsatisfied. He was always able to find his physical release, but with every moment of pleasure came a restless night of emotional turmoil. Why couldn’t he let it go? Why couldn’t he move on with someone who actually wanted to be with him—even if it was on a casual basis? Hell, Karen had given him more emotional validation in the last month than Pam ever had, and yet, he found himself pining over the woman who forced him to completely uproot his life.

Why?

Jim inwardly groaned as he looked up to the second floor of the building. It was almost Christmas. It had been almost a year to the day that he had given her the teapot. _‘Thank God I got that letter back,’_ he thought before he trudged toward the door.

* * *

By the time Jim got settled into his desk, Pam and Roy emerged from the break room, both still laughing, both still smiling. Jim’s stomach churned. _‘Not today,’_ he swore to himself as he looked down at his keyboard. The cycle had to stop. He moved back a month ago. During the course of that month, he thought he had made some progress, but seeing them together like this instantly flipped a switch in him. Pride and anger slowly replaced the pining and melancholy he constantly felt. He knew he needed to construct a fortress around his heart. He wasn’t going to get hurt again. He couldn’t get hurt again. He refused.

Pam’s laughter faded when she noticed the pensive look on Jim’s face. She furrowed her eyebrows, but said nothing as she walked by his desk on the way back to hers. “Yeah,” she responded as she turned to Roy. “I think it starts around 2:30.”

“Great,” he smiled. “I’ll see you at 2:30 then.”

She returned his smile with one of her own. “Ok.” When he turned to leave, she sat down in her chair. “Oh. Roy?”

He turned back to face her. “Yeah.”

She shrugged. “Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

As she waited for her computer to boot up, she watched her ex-fiancé leave the office and couldn’t help but to wonder that if he had been this considerate when they were together, if they could possibly be married right now and looking forward to celebrating their first Christmas together as husband and wife?

Had he really changed? She wasn’t sure. She still felt guilty about how badly he spiraled after their breakup. After all, she knew Roy. Sure, he and his brother seemed to find their way in and out of trouble on a regular basis, but it was never anything that warranted an arrest.

He seemed softer now—kinder. She wondered if he had finally realized the same thing she had: that you truly don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

She turned her seat around and shifted her gaze to the back of Jim’s head. It had been the hardest lesson she ever had to learn. She missed Jim every day, even though he sat five feet away from her. If she could take it all back, she would, but it was too late for them—at least for now, at least while he was with Karen. 

Karen. Pam tried to hate her. It would all be so much easier if she could hate Karen, but as hard as she tried, she just couldn’t. Karen was nice, focused, and—according to Kevin—the hottest woman in the office. She walked with an air of confidence that Pam wished she possessed. If she had that much faith in herself then maybe everything would have turned out differently. Maybe she would have realized sooner what it took three years to figure out. Maybe she wouldn’t be on the outside looking in. Maybe she would be spending the holidays with him rather than by herself in her apartment.

Pam’s gaze fell to the red folder on her desk. Last year, Jim gave her the teapot. It was easily the most sentimental gift she had ever received. While the folder wasn’t filled with mini-golf pencils and yearbook pictures, it did contain something she knew he’d appreciate.

After all, Christmas was the time of year to let someone know how you feel, right?

She took a deep breath, and then took another for good measure before she whispered his name. He either didn’t hear her or completely chose to ignore her. Before she lost her nerve, she said his name a little louder. “Psst. Jim?”

Jim slowly craned his neck back as he looked behind him. When Pam tilted her head back, an indication that she wanted him to come to her desk, he furrowed his eyebrows. He knew he needed some space, but couldn’t think of a logical reason why he couldn’t talk to her. He mentally berated himself as he stood up. He was simply walking to her desk to see what she wanted. It wasn’t as if she was about to emotionally destroy him—again.

Right?

He stuffed his hands in his pockets as he walked the five feet to her desk.

“Um…hey,” she smiled.

_‘Damn that smile,’_ he thought as his heart fluttered. “Hey.”

“I need to give you your Christmas gift now, because um…” Her gaze fell to her desk. Why did this seem so difficult? She knew that he’d love it. It was the best possible gift she could ever give him. “Well, I’ll just tell you.”

He could sense a little apprehension in her tone and a weird sense of nervousness filled him. _‘She got me a Christmas present?’_ If it was a present (and most presents tended to fall on the good news spectrum), why did she seem almost nervous to tell him what it was? “What,” he nervously chuckled.

“For the past few months, I’ve been sending Dwight letters from the CIA.” Her smile slowly broke out into a full-fledged grin as she handed Jim the red folder marked ‘confidential.’

Jim couldn’t contain the sense of pride he felt as he took the folder and opened it. “Are you serious?”

“They’re considering him for a top secret mission.” As Jim flipped through the paperwork, Pam pointed to one page in particular. “There’s his application.” When Jim turned the page, she pointed to the next one. “Oh, and this is where I made him list every secret he promised he’d never, ever tell.”

Jim chuckled as he continued to flip through the pages. There was so much to unload here. Pam had actually convinced Dwight that not only had the CIA contacted him, but that they were considering him for a top-secret mission? “’Last year my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off, ‘cause he said he had pneumonia, but really, he was leaving early to go to magic camp.’ Wow.”

Pam nearly exploded in delight as she marveled at how pleased and impressed he seemed by her handiwork. God. This was going to be the best prank ever. “So, here’s the gift: You get to decide what his top secret mission is.” She looked back down at the folder. “Sorry I didn’t wrap it.”

The excitement he felt about pulling a prank of this magnitude on his co-worker immediately set warning bells off in his mind. This was exactly what they used to do—before he told her how he felt, before he moved away, before everything got weird. While he was desperate to reclaim at least some small part of their friendship, he knew that he wasn’t ready for this—to pretend that the last seven months hadn’t happened. He had to keep moving forward, not backward.

His smile slowly fell as he closed the folder. “You know what? Um…I really don’t think I should be doing this stuff anymore, though.”

Pam tried the hardest she could to mask the disappointment she felt. His response wasn’t too surprising, but it was definitely disappointing. “Oh.”

“No, just…’cause of the promotion.”

Pam nodded. “Oh, yeah.”

“Just feels a little bit like…uh…”

She nodded again. The fact that he felt that he had to explain that it was because of the promotion indicated that, while it may have been a factor, it wasn’t the entire reason. She knew the reason. The reason sat across the room. She was fairly certain that the reason was watching them now. The reason was a living, breathing human being—one that neither of them could ignore. “No, I get it. Of course.” She took a deep breath as she held out her hand to take the folder back. “Ok.”

“Oh.” Even though he knew he made the right decision, he was reluctant to give her the folder back. It was a great prank; one he wished he could be a part of.

She forced a smile out as he rocked back awkwardly on his heels. Back to square one. While she had to admit that they had taken positive steps over the last few weeks, it was moments like these where she almost wished that they weren’t on speaking terms again. She could actually see how awkward he felt. It was a feeling she knew all too well. She felt that way with him on a couple of different occasions. It happened on the Booze Cruise. It happened after he told her that he was the one who complained about her to Toby. It happened after the incident at Dwight’s dojo.

Her smile finally fell when he walked back to his desk. Would it always be like this?

Jim hated it. He hated that he couldn’t just slide back into who he used to be, but he had made all the right moves in order to give himself the best chance to move past the last several months. If he fell back into doing something as simple as pulling pranks with Pam, he knew that whatever progress (however minuscule) he made in the last few months would vanish. It was an incredible gesture, but with visions of Pam and Roy dancing through his head, he knew he made the right call in declining the offer.

* * *

By this point, Pam should have known that she wouldn’t get any work done that day. She already knew that she’d spend the better part of the afternoon setting up for the party, but it was barely 9:30 when Michael informed the entire office that he and Carol broke up. Well, she broke up with him. Pam wasn’t entirely sure of the reason why, but she figured that the proposal during Diwali and the fact that he photoshopped his head on Carol’s ex’s face in a family photo might have had something to do with it.

She felt bad for him. It was only a few days until Christmas and he planned to take her to Jamaica. But at the same time, she knew Carol wasn’t a good fit for her boss, not that she spent a lot of time pondering his love life. She could just tell that Carol didn’t seem to understand Michael. It wasn’t that Pam understood him, quite the opposite actually. She wasn’t sure if there was anyone who would be well suited for him, but still, he deserved something more than someone who barely tolerated him.

He spent the next hour lying on the ground by her desk. She tried to get some work in, but he would begin to groan about every five minutes and wouldn’t stop until she acknowledged him. She had developed a lot of patience over the last four years, but by 11:00, he was driving her insane.

She had never been more grateful for a Party Planning Committee meeting, but after the first five minutes, she almost longed to hear her boss go on about how awkward things had gotten in the bedroom with Carol.

For some reason, this year Angela had gone above and beyond in her quest for full control of the party planning. Pam wasn’t the biggest fan of Karen’s, but Karen merely suggested a few new ideas to help bridge the gap between the Stamford and Scranton employees before Angela ceremoniously kicked her out of the conference room and out of the committee.

It would have been easy enough to sit back and watch it all happen, but Pam knew Angela had to be stopped.

The moment the meeting ended, Pam went straight to Karen’s desk. They had never really spoken to one another one-on-one. In fact, Pam tried to avoid the brunette as much as possible. Looking at Karen was like staring into the face of the biggest mistake she had ever made. Karen’s presence was a constant reminder to Pam about how she shouldn’t have hesitated that night, how she should have just taken a leap of faith and gave in to everything she had repressed for so long. Karen hadn’t hesitated. Karen didn’t need time to think about everything. When Jim asked Karen out, she went for it. She didn’t second guess her entire life and concentrate on what the consequences would be. She didn’t hide her feelings. She took that leap and was now reaping the reward of making such a bold move. 

While Pam didn’t know if any of that was true, she assumed it must have been, because Karen now had Jim.

“Hey…Karen…um…sorry about that meeting. That was really crazy.”

“Yeah. Right? I’m so glad you said that, because I don’t know how those meetings usually go.”

“Um…usually like that,” Pam sighed.

Karen leaned back in her seat. “Does anyone ever stand up to Angela?”

Pam thought about it for a moment. “I think one of her cats did once. She came in with scratches all over her face.”

The brunette laughed. “Right.”

Pam softly laughed as she leaned against Karen’s desk. “Um…I really liked your karaoke idea.”

“Oh, cool…yeah.”

“That could really be fun. You guys do a raffle?”

“Yeah, we do a raffle." 

Jim watched the entire exchange from his desk. To say that he was conflicted would be putting it mildly. Obviously, he wanted everyone to get along, but it was more than a little strange to see Pam and Karen interacting like that, let alone laughing together. He tried to ignore it, but every few seconds, one of them would giggle and he’d be forced to look up and stare.

* * *

It only took Pam a few minutes to decide that what the office needed this year was two parties: Angela’s rule-ridden, traditional Christmas party and her and Karen’s more relaxed, margarita and karaoke holiday party. Karen immediately jumped on board and mere minutes later, they printed out their own flyer and stuck it right above Angela’s.

Pam knew Angela. She knew the blonde would throw a fit about the breech in protocol, but there was no rule that stated there could only be one holiday party. Angela immediately tried to get Dwight involved, which Pam also figured would happen, but then something slightly unexpected transpired: Jim stood up and decided—as ranking number two in the office—that the new committee she and Karen formed was valid, and as a result, their party was also valid. Pam knew that Jim always jumped at the chance to get under Dwight’s skin—he used to, anyway—but after their earlier conversation, she wasn’t all together certain that he’d step in.

One glance at Karen and Pam quickly realized that Jim wasn’t doing this for her. He was doing it for Karen. It wasn’t until she actually began to talk to Karen that Pam realized just how hard it must have been for Karen to pack up her entire life and move to Scranton. She had to step into an office environment where everyone else already knew one another and had already formed varying types of relationships. She was merely trying to fit in—and Jim, being a good guy (not to mention her boyfriend), of course, would be the first to support that.

Though Pam was elated that their party would actually become a reality, she couldn’t control the surge of jealousy she felt when Jim smiled at Karen.

Maybe spending the next few hours planning an entirely new party would be good for her. It could keep her mind off of things—like the fact that it was Christmas and she was certain Jim and Karen made plans to spend the holidays together. Maybe they would spend Christmas Eve with Jim’s family and travel to Connecticut over the following few days to see Karen’s family? Maybe Karen had already helped Jim decorate his Christmas tree? Maybe they bought ornaments together? God. Maybe Karen would wake up Christmas morning just to discover a ring under the tree?

_‘Stop it,’_ she thought to herself. _‘They’ve been together for a month…I think. He wouldn’t possibly…he couldn’t…could he?’_

Before her thoughts could spiral any further, Michael emerged from his office with Andy. Pam felt bad for Michael, she did. No one deserved to have their heart broken at Christmas, but photoshopping his face into a family photo was absolutely insane, and Pam knew that if she were Carol, she not only would have broken up with him, she probably would have taken out a restraining order as well.

“Jim, Dwight, Pam, Ryan. Come on, we’re going to Asian Hooters.”

Pam looked at her boss in complete confusion. Say what?

“Oh man, I can’t,” Ryan immediately responded.

“Why not?”

Ryan easily rattled off excuse after excuse while Jim and Pam looked helplessly on. “I’m not feeling so well. I’ve got a ton of work to do here. MSG allergy, peanut allergy…I just ate there last night.”

Michael leaned forward and placed the back of his hand on Ryan’s forehead. “Ok. Feel better,” he finally determined after a split second.

Ryan smirked once Michael turned toward the door. “Thanks.”

Pam blinked several times. “Michael, I have to get everything ready for the party this afternoon. I—“

Michael turned to her. “This is more important than a party, Pam.” He waited a beat. “I need my entourage there.”

“I’m not part of your—“

“I need some advice,” he interrupted, “womanly advice.”

She looked at him for a long moment. The last thing in the world she wanted was to go out to lunch with any of the people he invited. She had hoped that she’d get so involved with the party planning that the day would just slip by, but she could tell by the look on his face that Michael was not going to accept any excuse—even though Ryan just rattled off five excuses without taking a breath. “Fine,” she responded flatly before she stood up and reached for her purse.

Jim glanced at Karen before he reached for his coat. He turned to Ryan. “Wow. Thanks for taking all the excuses, dude.”

“Doctor appointment, car trouble, plantar warts…granddad fought in World War II. Use your head, man. I keep mine in here.” He picked up his phone and showed it to Jim. “Look alive, Halpert. Welcome back.”

Jim couldn’t help but to chuckle. He had been in Stamford for several months. It wasn’t until that moment that he realized just how rusty he had become when it came to coming up with excuses to get out of doing things Michael wanted him to do.

Jim trailed behind the others as they exited the office. When the small group entered the elevator, his eyes met Pam’s for an instant. The awkwardness of their encounter that morning hadn’t dissipated and—he suspected—lunch with Michael probably wouldn’t do anything to alleviate it.

* * *

As they waited for their chef to come cook their food, Pam couldn’t help but to wonder why she was there. Thus far, the only thing that had happened (besides Andy telling Michael some ridiculous story that she was fairly sure he made up just to impress Michael) was that by some insane stroke of good fortune, Dwight ended up at the other end of the table—all thanks to a couple seated right in the middle of their table. Unfortunately for Pam, she ended up sandwiched between Michael and Jim, while Andy sat on the end. Part of her thought about offering to switch seats with Dwight. That way, she could actually enjoy lunch without having to listen—let alone participate—in whatever conversation Andy was attempting to have with Michael.

Just as she was about to suggest it, Michael turned to her. “How did you do it?”

She frowned. “How did I do what?”

“Get through it.” 

Pam swallowed. Even though most of her thoughts had been consumed by what could have been between Jim and her, she thought she had masked her feelings pretty well. How could Michael know about that? Had he caught a glimpse of her phone while they talked during Diwali? Had he caught her staring at Jim’s back or shifting uncomfortably every time she saw Jim and Karen together? Willing to hedge her bets—even though Jim sat right beside her—she cleared her throat. “Get through what?”

Michael frowned as he clasped his hands together. “Roy breaking up with you.”

Dear God. Was this some sort of karmic payback for getting back at Angela with the whole party thing? The last thing Pam wanted to discuss—besides her unrequired feelings for Jim—was her failed relationship with Roy. However, there were a few things she wanted to make perfectly clear to more than one person at that table. “First off, I broke up with Roy.”

Jim tried to stay out of the conversation. He glanced all around the restaurant, had even thought about trying to engage Dwight in some sort of discussion, but unfortunately for Jim, the one time he wanted his co-worker around, he was suddenly no where to be found. So, when Pam emphatically told Michael that she was the one to break things off with Roy, Jim’s chest tightened in response.

“Potato, potato,” Michael responded.

Pam frowned. He had pronounced potato the exact same way. “Michael, that’s not how the saying goes.”

He waved his hand in the air. “Don’t change the subject. How did you handle it?”

“Well, I…” she looked down at her glass of water. The temptation to glance at Jim to see if he was listening to her was nearly palpable, but somehow, she resisted. “I went on my honeymoon.”

Michael raised his eyebrows. Now that was interesting. “Alone?”

She shook her head. “No, I went with…um…my friend, Isabel.”

“Hot,” Andy answered.

Pam and Jim shot Andy a dirty look.

“No,” Pam shook her head. “It wasn’t like that. After the breakup…I…I needed to get out of town for a little while…” her voice trailed off as she knit her eyebrows together, “…clear my head.” She leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms over her chest as she not only thought about her breakup with Roy, but also Casino Night and the fact that Jim had disappeared after he left her in the office that night. The difference between them was that Pam spent a week in Hawaii and then came home. Jim moved to Stamford for six months.

“And did you,” Michael asked her. “Clear your head, I mean. When you came home, were you over it?”

Pam really didn’t want to talk about this—especially with Michael. This was a conversation she thought she would have one day, preferably with Jim, but every hope she had of that happening was diminishing with every passing day. Maybe he was listening to her, maybe he wasn’t. Either way, at this point, she had nothing left to hide. “Roy and I were together for a long time, Michael. Those feelings…that history…it doesn’t just go away.” She waited a beat. “There were several reasons why I broke it off. Getting out of town for a few days allowed me to step back and figure some things out and I…it…it only reinforced that decision.”

“I’m sure his arrest helped you, too.”

“He got arrested,” Jim finally spoke up. “For what?”

For the first time since they sat down at the table, Pam looked over at him. It wasn’t something she had ever planned to share; after all, she wasn’t the one who got arrested. However, before Michael could make something up, she decided that it would be easier for everyone if she just told him. “Drunk driving.”

Michael drummed his fingers on the table as he stared as his empty drink. “So, is that the key to moving on? Just getting out of town for awhile?”

“I don’t know,” Pam shrugged. “It helped me.”

“It seems to help everyone. I mean…you did it. Jim did it…although he was gone for six months…”

Jim clenched his jaw. Of course. It absolutely made sense that Michael would bring that up right now. The only surprising thing was that Jim hadn’t anticipated that the conversation would shift to him so quickly.

“What are you talking about,” Andy asked his boss. “Was this recently? Because I thought Jim moved to Stamford because he got a promotion?”

Michael’s mouth fell open at Andy’s question. He had completely forgotten that it was supposed to be a secret, a secret that Michael had managed to keep for a few months now. It had to be the longest he had ever kept a secret. That had to count for something, right?

“Yep,” Jim told Andy. “Completely different situation.” _‘Please don’t say anything else, Michael. Please don’t say anything else.’_ He hadn’t told Karen that Pam was the one who broke his heart. He had every intention of telling her, because she deserved to know—even if they weren’t serious with one another. Still, the right opportunity hadn’t presented itself yet. And besides, they had only been dating for a few weeks. He wasn’t sure what the rules were when it came to disclosing your past to someone you were only casually dating.

Pam furrowed her eyebrows as she bit the inside of her cheek and turned to face him. Was there more to the story than what he led her to believe?

He didn’t look back at her. He couldn’t look back at her. He knew what he told her at the time. He knew what she had probably deduced. He thought that she had figured out that she had been the sole reason for the move, but even though he couldn’t see her face, he could feel the confusion radiating off of her.

Really? He left right after Casino Night. He requested that his transfer be moved up so he wouldn’t have to step foot inside the Scranton office again and not once did she question why he requested the transfer in the first place? Six months later and she still hadn’t put two and two together. 

“Umm…yeah,” Michael stammered as he reached for his drink. “He moved because of…the…job…and…everything.” He waited a beat. “I mean…why else could he have possibly…ever even considered—“

“Hey Michael, do you want another drink,” Jim asked in an attempt to steer the conversation anywhere other than where it was headed. “Next round is on me, ok?”

Pam knew what Jim was doing. She had seen him do it a hundred times. He was trying to change the subject. It ended up working because Michael was immediately placated, but Pam wasn’t. During the rest of the meal, she tried to put the pieces together. For months, that was all she had: memories of him—of them. Only now, believing that she didn’t quite know the full story, it was as if she was suddenly remembering everything for the first time. She had always been led to believe that Jan approached Jim about the promotion and transfer. She knew that Jim wasn’t in love with his job, but a promotion was a promotion. She thought that Jan had thrown enough money at him that it became impossible for him to decline the offer, but it wasn’t until now, when she could recall the melancholic smile he gave her after she and Roy set a date that she recognized exactly what it was. It was the same smile that had been etched onto her lips ever since he moved back and she found out he was dating someone else. It was a smile of complete and utter defeat.

Was it true? Was she the reason why he moved? Was she the _only_ reason why he left? When she glanced in his direction while Andy desperately tried to monopolize Michael’s attention, she could have sworn that his jaw was clenched.

* * *

The entire ride back to the office was even stranger than the actual meal. While they were eating, Jim entertained himself by telling Dwight all about the conversation Michael and Andy were having with the waitress. When Dwight shouted back the best way to butcher a goose, Pam wondered if her and Jim’s definitions of pranking were the same, because from where she sat, it definitely seemed like a prank.

Pam was uncomfortable with the fact that Andy and Michael decided to pick up a couple of the waitresses at the restaurant and invite them back to the office and the party. They had to be in their early 20s, at best. She had seen, and also had—unfortunately—been a target of Andy and Michael’s flirting before, but this was different. There was something so gross about the entire situation that she wanted get as far away it as humanly possible, as soon as possible.

She ended up being sandwiched in between Dwight and Jim in the backseat of Andy’s car on the way to the restaurant and on the way back to the office. On the way to the restaurant, she had been mildly entertained by the pissing contest between Dwight and Andy, but now, on the way back, the car was unusually quiet. She thought for sure Andy and Michael would gush about the girls they picked up or Dwight would complain about not being able to sit with everyone, but for some strange reason, everyone in the car seemed on edge.

She knew why she was on edge. She suspected why Jim was on edge. Perhaps, she could make a case for Dwight, but Andy and Michael too?

It only got stranger when she and Jim tried to buckle their seatbelts at the same time and their fingers brushed against one another.

The shock wave that little bit of contact sent through her was a hundred times more intense than when she fell into his arms at Poor Richard’s. She wanted to grab his hand and interlace his fingers with her own. She wanted to tell him everything she wanted to tell him that night—everything she had decided to tell him, but failed to because he left her. She wanted to beg him for another chance, but the thought of Karen stopped her.

He was with someone else. If he still had any lingering feelings toward her, he wouldn’t be with Karen.

Jim was slightly buzzed off of the sake he practically poured down Michael—and his—throat during the course of the meal. He wanted to insure that his boss wouldn’t pivot back toward their earlier conversation. Now wasn’t the right time or place and he didn’t want Karen to hear about all of that from someone who wasn’t him. Even though they agreed that they weren’t in a serious relationship, he still respected her. He still liked her enough to want to keep whatever they were going. He felt normal around her. He almost felt—happy.

However, when Pam’s fingers brushed against his, he forced himself to pull away (as much as he could in the cramped backseat). He suddenly felt like a moth and Pam was the seductive flame. While the pull he had always felt toward her had lessened over the last few weeks, this hadn’t. Aside from their hug and the incident at Poor Richard’s, they hadn’t come anywhere close to actual physical contact with one another in the last seven months.

It had to have been the sake. The alcohol must have lowered his defenses, because the moment he felt her skin against his, he wanted nothing more than to completely lose himself in her—damn the consequences. That accidental brush ignited a level of hunger in him that he hadn’t experienced since _that_ night and dear God, even though it was a turtleneck, the red sweater she wore hugged her curves perfectly. He could clearly remember how it felt to outline her frame with his fingers while his lips mapped out every crevasse her neck possessed. He wandered what other mysteries she possessed; how it would feel to explore every inch of her form. He wandered how she’d react if he got down on his knees and worshipped her very existence. Would she mew in delight as he paid homage to her very essence or would she cry out in ecstasy as he made it abundantly clear that she’d never be able to be with anyone else without thinking about that very moment with him? He wanted to ruin her for everyone else, because—he feared—she had already ruined him.

His thoughts were consumed by every inch that he had been able to explore that night and every inch of her that still remained a mystery. He wanted to shake the woman who sat quietly next to him. He wanted to yell, to scream that she was the one who screwed it all up. He wanted to know why. He wanted to know why he wasn’t good enough. He wanted to know why everything that came out of her mouth seemed to contradict the look she had whenever their eyes met. Was it just him? Was it just some demented part of him that still believed that this was all going to work out?

By the time they got back to the office, Jim was frustrated in every way imaginable. He opted to take the stairs back up to the office instead of getting on the elevator with the others. He wasn’t about to risk being in a confined space with Pam again. Even with the others around, he wasn’t exactly sure what he would do or say. He was so close to exploding in both anger and lust, that at that moment, he wasn’t sure which explosion would be worse. Instead of further testing his patience, he made the conscious decision to avoid Pam until he could find some way to release everything he was feeling at that moment.

Pam wasn’t faring much better. She was frustrated and angry with herself and with Jim. When she walked into the office and noticed all of the Christmas decorations, she was—once again—reminded by the fact that it had been a year since Jim gave her the teapot and all of the sentimental mementos inside.

Tea. That was what she needed. A nice cup of chamomile tea would calm her nerves, or so she told herself.

She hadn’t used the teapot since Jim left. It felt weird, like she wasn’t allowed to for some strange reason. Feeling completely on edge and desperate to do anything to help alleviate it, Pam grabbed the mint green teapot without a second thought and wandered back toward the break room.

On her way to the break room, she noticed that everyone had already come back from lunch. It made sense. They had been at Benihana for nearly two hours and it was nearly 2:00pm. She was grateful that everyone was back from lunch. She needed a few minutes alone in order to decompress.

She stopped along the way to use the bathroom, fill the teapot with water, and to try to steady her still rapidly beating heart. She wasn’t entirely sure why she felt so anxious or why she suddenly wanted to crawl out of her own skin. Lunch had been weird. The car ride back had been weirder, but hadn’t they already hit rock bottom? Lunch wasn’t nearly as bad as the awkwardness she felt when he first came back.

When she reached the break room, she noticed that the blinds had been pulled, but she didn’t think twice about it. Half the time they were pulled for whatever reason, and she figured that Karen might have done it to prevent Angela from glaring at her while she decorated the space.

Pam looked down at the teapot as she opened the door and wandered into the room. She sighed before she finally looked up.

She had definitely made a miscalculation.

Everyone wasn’t working at his or her desk.

There had been two people missing.

And those two people now stood before her—half-undressed and seemingly oblivious to the fact that she had entered the room.

Before she could stop herself, Pam gasped at the sight. It was an image that had haunted her for the last month. It had been the cause of several sleepless nights. She had imagined it every way she thought possible, but this—this was way worse.

Because it was real.


	7. You, You, You, You, You, You, You Oughta Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if the end of this chapter seems rushed. I'm going out of town for a few days and wanted to make sure I posted an update before I left. It didn't seem quite as bad upon my last read-thru, but still, my apologies if it feels that way.

* * *

 

He thought that the amalgamation of anger, heartache, and lust that coursed through his veins would dissipate once he came back to the office. After all, he had been able to control it on a daily basis, but the moment he reached his desk, a surge of adrenaline kicked in. He had no idea what the hell was in the sake he drank at the restaurant, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to just sit down and do his work. His thoughts quickly became erratic, fluctuating between past, present, and future. When he took his coat off, his gaze fell to the crack where his old and new desk met, the space where his torture really began. Everything that happened in the last three years was child’s play compared to the mindfuck he ventured into after Casino Night. He caught a glimpse of heaven that night, a world he knew he didn’t deserve, and was promptly shoved out of. Every day, he had to sit five feet away from her and mere inches away from the place where he had been free to express every emotion he tried to bury since the day he met her. It only lasted for a few fleeting moments, but more than anything else, Jim wanted to taste that freedom again.

No, he couldn’t just go back to work after that conversation at lunch, and certainly not after their fingers accidentally brushed against one another.

Fuck.

How could something as innocent as that bring all of these repressed emotions to the surface?

He wasn’t sure why and truthfully, he didn’t care. He needed to rein it all back in. He had managed to bury all of those feelings for so long that he thought he had gained control over them.

Clearly, sake and being around Pam Beesly just don’t mix.

He quickly made his way toward the break room. He couldn’t be anywhere around her—or anyone else for that matter—at the moment. He needed a minute just to breathe, to find a way to control all of these erratic emotions. This wasn’t him. He was normally pretty levelheaded, a bit sarcastic, and entirely matter-of-fact. He was never one to fly off the hinges, even when Pam looked him in the eye and broke his heart—twice. He simply left. He moved away. He had always been in control of his emotions—except for now. Except, for some reason, when it came to her.

She was never his—had never been his. At some point in the last three years, he had given her complete control over him, and more than anything, he wanted it back. He needed it back. He wasn’t going to survive another day in this office unless he reclaimed control over his entire self: body, mind, and spirit.

When he entered the break room, he noticed that Karen was fumbling around with what appeared to be two frozen drink machines.

Karen looked up at him and smiled as she swiped the hair away from her eyes. “Hey,” she greeted almost breathlessly.

“Hey,” was his tight reply.

“How was lunch?”

He slipped his hands into the front pockets of his pants. “I…really don’t want to talk about it.”

“That bad, huh?” She turned back to the machine. “I think I almost have this thing figured out.”

“Need some help?”

“Nah. I need a break anyway.” She turned back toward him. “So, what’s up?”

Jim drifted toward the break room tables, which had about half a dozen grocery bags with various party supplies in them. He looked through a couple before he turned toward her. “Nothing, I just…um…we haven’t really…talked about plans…for Christmas…I guess. Um…I just wanted you to know that I was going to…um…be out of town for the holidays.”

Karen lifted her eyebrows in surprise. She wasn’t sure exactly what her Christmas plans entailed, but she figured that Jim would probably be a part of them. She knew his parents lived in Scranton, so she just assumed he would stay in town. “Oh. Really?”

“Yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck. God, had he ever felt this tense before? “My brother, Pete, lives in Boston, and my family is going there for the holidays.”

“Oh. That’s nice.”

“Yeah.”

Karen looked at him for a long moment. It was glaringly obvious that something was on his mind. Was it simply that? Had she sent him some sort of mixed signal about what they were? They agreed to be casual, but he seemed reluctant to tell her that he wouldn’t be around for the holidays. Wanting to avoid any potential awkwardness, Karen smirked. “So, do you want your present now…or later?”

Jim furrowed his eyebrows. He wasn’t entirely sure how to take that question. On the one hand, he could tell by the tone in her voice that her gift wasn’t a run-of-the-mill present. On the other hand, even though he somehow managed to navigate his way through this conversation without imploding, he could still feel the adrenaline flowing through his veins and wanted nothing more than to release all of his frustration. They were at work, and this would violate the PDA rule they agreed to abide by, but if they were both willing, then what was the harm? He glanced at the clock on the wall. It was 2:00pm. Everyone had already taken lunch and was probably aware of the fact that Karen was setting up for the party. The odds of anyone coming to the break room in the next couple of minutes were slim to none, and besides, it wasn’t as if it would actually lead to anything. He was frustrated, not a complete idiot.

He said nothing, but merely watched as Karen shut the door to the break room and closed the blinds. He leaned against one of the tables and placed his hands on either side of him as she walked toward him. When she cupped his face in her hands and leaned forward to kiss him, he knew that this was exactly what he needed.

When he eagerly returned her kiss with one impassioned—if not assertive—one of his own, Karen wondered if this was what had been missing from every single one of their previous encounters. Jim was a good kisser. He was a great kisser, but there was nothing was behind it. She had begun to feel inadequate, that he wasn’t getting as much out of their little arrangement as she was, but as his hands began to roam all over her, Karen delighted in the fact that apparently the idea of getting caught seemed to be a turn-on for her pseudo boyfriend.

He knew he was being aggressive with her. He knew his lips were tight against hers and that he had yanked her shirt up a little too insistently, but she seemed to be enjoying it. She loosened his tie and unbuttoned the first few buttons while Jim, with one hand cupping her ass, managed to undo the first three buttons on Karen’s shirt.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that someone could walk in at any moment, but the need to release his frustration (not to mention the fact that Karen seemed more than willing to receive it) overpowered all sense of logic.

This is exactly what he needed. He removed his lips from hers only to attach them to her neck while she focused on undoing his belt.

That was when he heard it. Over the sound of Karen’s labored breaths, over the racing beat of his heart, he heard the tiniest of gasps. Slowly, he detached his lips from Karen’s neck and glanced in the direction that the sound came from.

Wide green eyes stared at him in complete and utter shock.

Pam thought her legs would completely buckle from the intensity of his stare. Somehow, she managed to find her voice. “S-Sorry,” she stammered as she took a step back. “I’m…sorry.” She spun around and practically sprinted from the room, shutting the door behind her.

“Shit,” Jim muttered as he pulled away from Karen and began to button up his shirt. Even though seconds ago, he had completely and utterly given into his feelings, one look from Pam made him feel like a bucket of cold water had been dumped on him. The rage he felt, the desire that needed to be expelled from him vanished without a trace, leaving him completely embarrassed about the entire situation.

Karen quickly buttoned up her shirt and tucked it back in while Jim re-tied his tie and ran his fingers through his mussed hair. “Well, that was…”

“Yeah,” Jim sighed. “I’m sorry. I just…” he bit the corner of his lip. “I guess I had too much sake at lunch.”

Karen raised her eyebrows. “You had sake?”

He nodded. “It’s a…long story.” His gaze wandered over toward the closed door.

Karen watched his attention flicker between her and the door. “Do you want me to go talk to her? I mean…just by going off what I’ve seen since I’ve been here, I’m sure she’s seen much worse.”

He looked back at her. “You’re probably not wrong.” He waited a beat. “Nah. Don’t worry about it. You’re right. I’m sure she…just wanted to give us some privacy.”

* * *

After pouring out the water she put in moments earlier, Pam went back to her desk and tucked the teapot in the bottom drawer of her filing cabinet. She thought about throwing it against the wall, but the last thing she wanted to do was cause a scene. Without a word, she left the office. She thought about going home, but knew that it would bring more attention to the situation than she wanted. Still, she wasn’t about to sit there and watch as Karen and Jim emerged from the back of the office, knowing full well what they were doing back there.

Tears filled her eyes by the time she made it to the hallway. The moment she sat down on the bench next to the elevator, she leaned forward and buried her face in her hands as she sobbed.

Knowing it was going on and actually seeing it were two very different things. She never did that with Roy—at least not anywhere that Jim (or anyone else) could stumble upon. Sure, they exchanged a kiss or two, but that—what she just saw—was so much more than a simple kiss.

The moment she started crying, she tried to stop. She knew how bloodshot her eyes would always get whenever she cried, but she couldn’t seem to care. She wanted to claw her eyes out. She wanted to run head first into a brick wall in an attempt to inflict some sort of short-term memory loss. She just wanted to forget, but the more she tried, the more engrained the image of Karen and Jim tangled up together became. Would she ever be able to blink without seeing them in that position?

She knew that anyone—at any moment—could wander into the hallway and see her. What would she say then? Would she tell the truth or would she make something up? As tired as she was of pretending that she didn’t have feelings for Jim, she knew that no one in that office could possible understand what she was going through. Even she couldn’t quite put it into words. She had tried, on occasion. She left him a voicemail that very night and tried to text him a few times since then, before he moved back.

But he wasn’t interested in hearing her out.

He had moved on.

Pam wiped her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall. What a day—and the Christmas party hadn’t even started yet.

_‘Shit.’_ She took a deep breath before she finally stood and trudged back toward the office. She knew it was almost 2:00 when she ventured to the break room. She told Roy before lunch that she needed him to come up to the office with the karaoke equipment at 2:15. She wasn’t sure what time it was now, but with the party starting soon, she knew she had to help finish setting it up.

After all, wasn’t that what she did best? Pretend that everything was ok, when in reality, it was everything but?

She silently prayed that her nose wasn’t red and her eyes weren’t swollen from crying when she re-entered the office. She took one look at the clock on the back wall and realized she had about five minutes until Roy was supposed to show up. Maybe she could get a little bit of work in before then. Her gaze fell to the ground as she made her way back to her desk.

She barely made it into her seat before she heard the inevitable ‘Pam?’ she knew awaited her. She wanted to ignore him, much in the same way he had ignored her for all of those months, but she knew she couldn’t. He had it easier. He was miles away. It was so much easier to push her to the side when she was in a different state. Now that he was standing right in front of her, it wouldn’t be nearly as easy for her to discard him.

She grit her teeth and looked up at him.

The moment her eyes connected with his, his gaze fell to the ground. He couldn’t look her in the eye right now, not after—he sighed. What the hell had he been thinking?

He hadn’t been. That was the problem.

He knew she didn’t care about him in any particular way, but still, he wouldn’t want to walk in on anybody having a heated make out session. It was beyond awkward and weird, not to mention the fact that Jim knew exactly why it happened in the first place. He had been the very definition of a selfish asshole and knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep up this ridiculous charade for very much longer.

Slowly, he looked back up at her. He noticed that her eyes seemed a bloodshot and he could have sworn that he heard her sniffle while she waited for him to speak. He furrowed his eyebrows. Had she been crying? “Are you ok?”

“Yeah,” she lied as she looked down at her monitor. “Just super behind on work today. Why? What’s up?”

“Your eyes are—“

“Allergies,” she easily lied as she checked her email. She hoped he’d take the hint and leave her to her work, but knew that it wouldn’t be that easy. She had used the allergy excuse a few times with Roy during the length of their relationship. He never once questioned it. When Jim didn’t respond after a few seconds, Pam looked up at him. She could tell that he wasn’t buying it.

“In December,” he asked.

“Dust allergies,” she smoothly clarified. “I think when Kevin helped Angela pull out some of the decorations, dust got in the air or something.” She cleared her throat. “That’s why…why I was going to make some tea. My throat is a little scratchy.”

He nodded his head. “Oh.” He chewed on his bottom lip while Pam turned her attention back to her computer. “Well, um…about earlier…I—“

“It’s fine,” she interrupted. “Happens to the best of us, right?” She wanted to keep it light. It was the only way he’d let it go and have this not become an ongoing issue between them.

“Yeah,” he half-heartedly chuckled before he looked back down at the ground, “I guess.”

Pam looked over at him once more. “Was there anything else you needed, Jim?”

He looked back up at her. “Oh. No. Sorry I…sorry I interrupted you.”

She gave him a tight-lipped smile. “No, I’m sorry I…interrupted.”

“You didn’t…it wasn’t going to—“

“The party has arrived,” Roy boisterously announced as he entered the office, monitor in hand. “Darryl’s bringing up the microphone.”

_‘Thank God,’_ Pam thought as she quickly got out of her chair and walked over to him. “Great. Um, we’re getting set up in the break room. I’ll walk you back.” _‘Anything to get out of this,’_ she thought miserably. She forced herself to not look back at Jim. If she did, she knew she’d fall apart, and she couldn’t let that happen.

As she walked with Roy to the break room, Pam tried to forget about everything that happened that afternoon: the conversation at lunch, the awkward car ride back to the office, and most of all, the image that was currently seared into her brain. The last thing she felt like doing was celebrating the upcoming holidays, but maybe this is what she needed. She needed a distraction, something to keep her busy, something to occupy the space in her mind that kept repeating those horrible moments over and over again.

She cleared her throat when they finally reached the break room. “Thanks for helping,” she told him as he sat the monitor down in the corner of the room.

“It’s not a problem,” he smiled as he pulled out the power cord. “But you’ve gotta tell me what happened in order for there to be two parties now.”

“Well, Angela was being…Angela…and after talking about the situation with Karen, we decided to throw our own party.”

He nodded. “Who’s Karen again?”

Pam crossed her arms over her chest. “She’s one of the people who transferred from Stamford.”

He thought about it for a long moment. For some reason, he couldn’t quite place her. Finally, it came to him. “The one who’s dating Halpert?”

Pam pursed her lips together. “That’s the one.” She waited for him to say something about how hot she was or how Jim was ‘the man’ for locking that one down or a hundred other chauvinistic things she heard various co-workers say over the last few weeks. When he quietly resumed setting the monitor up, she was pleasantly surprised. How many times had he talked about how hot Katy was when she and Jim were together or even how he’d ‘do’ Angela out of everyone in the office? How many times had he openly commented on the attractiveness of _any_ woman while she was within earshot?

Maybe he had changed.

Or maybe Karen just wasn’t his type.

That was ridiculous. Karen seemed to be everyone’s type. Pam couldn’t blame anyone for finding her attractive. She could see the appeal. That’s what made everything ten times more difficult. It was easy to write Katy off as being little more than a pretty, perky cheerleader, but Karen had both brains and beauty. She was strong-willed and quick-witted—the perfect compliment to Jim’s mischievous, sarcastic self. Maybe that was why his relationship with Karen had completely shaken her.

That, and the fact that Pam now knew that her feelings for Jim ran deeper than mere attraction.

She shook her head. It wouldn’t do her any good to point out Karen’s attributes right now. “Oh, hey, are you still going to your parents’ on Christmas morning?”

“Uh…yeah. My grandma’s coming in Christmas Eve, like always, so it’s just easier to get together the day of. Why?”

“I have some…presents for them…for your parents, I mean…and um…I actually got you something too. It’s at my place. It’s…just a little something.”

“Oh? Well, I’ve got something for you too.”

“Oh yeah?”

He smiled. “Yeah. It’s…nothing much, but I saw it and…thought of you.”

She smiled warmly at him before she looked through one of the bags of party supplies she assumed Karen picked up while she was at lunch. “I’m sure I’ll love it.” She pulled out a package of napkins and began to peel the plastic wrapper off.

Karen took a deep breath before she entered the break room. She wanted to talk to Pam about what happened, but she knew that it probably wasn’t the best time. They only had a few minutes to get everything together. As she entered the break room, she recognized that one of the warehouse workers was setting up the karaoke machine while Pam was organizing the napkins and plates. She smiled when she noticed the way the guy seemed to be staring at Pam. _‘Interesting,’_ she mused. When the guy looked over at her, Karen smiled. “Hey.”

“Hey,” he responded. After he plugged in one last cable he looked between the two women. “All right. I’ll see you guys later.”

Pam looked up briefly as Roy left the room. “Bye.”

Wanting to break whatever awkwardness remained between them, Karen walked over to Pam. “He’s cute. You should date him.”

“Oh,” Pam began as she glanced at the empty doorway before she turned back to Karen. How did Karen not know about her and Roy? Then again, how could she possibly know? She was certain that her love life hadn’t been a topic of conversation in the office—for the last month at least—and she was fairly certain that Jim forgot about her very existence the moment he left the building. Not wanting to divulge the details of her and Roy’s history, and the inevitable follow-up question as to why she broke it off, Pam decided to let it go. “Yeah, maybe.” It wasn’t a complete lie. Roy was cute. That had never been the issue. Pam had always been attracted to him, and when things were good, they were very good. They were just never very good for very long. As far as dating him in the future, Pam suspected that Roy was still interested in her. She noticed the extra effort he had taken in both his overall appearance and attitude in the last few months, but before Pam could even think about going back down that road again, she knew she needed to figure out how to get a certain lanky paper salesman out of her head and heart. Granted, she may have been forced to take that first step about fifteen minutes ago, thanks to the very woman who stood beside her.

Karen looked at Pam for a long moment. “Listen, about what happened earlier—”

“Yeah, I’m really sorry I…interrupted,” Pam told the brunette as she tried to maintain her focus on the task at hand and not on the fact that she was mere feet away from where the partially undressed couple stood minutes ago.

“No, you really…didn’t. Nothing was going to…I was just about to…cool things off,” she stammered. “Um…which reminds me…did something happen at lunch?”

Pam frowned. “No, what do—what do you mean?”

“Halpert…just seemed…different when you guys got back.” She waited a beat. “Maybe this is too much information, but normally he’s so reserved, especially at the office. We even have this agreement not to be…affectionate in public, but when you guys got back, he told me that he was going out of town for the holidays and I…I don’t know. Maybe taste testing those margaritas got to me because I just wanted to…kiss him right then and there. So, I shut the door and closed the blinds.”

Pam shifted uncomfortably on her feet. She really didn’t want to know the details, but at the same time, maybe hearing them would help. Maybe her imagination wouldn’t get the better of her, or maybe Karen would offer her the peace she needed in order to finally move on from all of this.

“And honestly, I just wanted to kiss him, but the moment I did, it was like…like something came over him. I’m not going to lie. He’s never…kissed me like that before. It was like…like he hadn’t seen me for months…that he had been starving for me or something…that he couldn’t get enough.”

_‘Why did I ever think that reality wouldn’t be as bad as my imagination,’_ Pam thought miserably. As Karen continued to ramble, Pam’s focus shifted toward the moisture she felt pool behind her eyes. She wasn’t going to cry—not now. She reminded herself that she had to hear this. She had to know what Jim was feeling, had to know that he had completely moved on and that he was happy.

“—But it wasn’t going to lead to anything,” she firmly concluded. “I mean…we aren’t like teenagers in the back of someone’s car. We got a little carried away, but not _too_ carried away.”

“Oh, yeah. I mean…it happens.” Pam cleared her throat. “I mean last year, Michael bought a lot of vodka for everyone and the entire night he was trying to catch people hooking up. He never did…but I know for a fact that there were a few people who did some very non-work appropriate things during that party.”

“Really,” Karen’s eyes lit up in amusement. She knew that her current work environment was anything but structured, but she had attributed that largely due to Michael and not her co-workers. Thinking that there were other couples or potential hook-ups in the office oddly made Karen feel better about her and Jim’s faux pas.

“Yeah,” Pam turned to Karen, “So, how strong are those margaritas?”

Karen’s smile widened. “It’s been a long afternoon,” she chuckled.

* * *

About half an hour later, the party was in full swing and seemed to be a roaring success. Most of the office had opted to go to Pam and Karen’s karaoke-margarita party as opposed to Angela’s Nutcracker Christmas, despite the fact that the power cord to the CD player seemed to be missing. It was strange because Darryl and Roy checked all of the equipment when it got dropped off and could have sworn the cord was there, but both assumed they had miscounted the number of cords they were supposed to have. In order to remedy the situation, Darryl retreated to the warehouse in order to grab his synthesizer.

By the time he came back, almost the entire office was packed into the small break room. Pam cringed when Michael and Andy brought in the waitresses from Benihana. She hoped that reason would have taken over and that they wouldn’t have continued on with this ridiculous charade, but there they were. When Pam turned away from them, her eyes met Jim’s. They lingered on him for a few seconds before she finally turned her attention elsewhere. Despite the fact that about twenty people were crammed into the annex and break room, it felt as if there wasn’t nearly enough to quell the anxiety Pam felt at that moment.

She felt better once Darryl came back with the synthesizer and people began to sing various hits of the late 90s and early 00’s. The music was loud enough to drown out whatever conversation she struggled to pay attention to, but not nearly loud enough to drown out the barrage of thoughts that practically assaulted her.

When Kevin grabbed the microphone and began a rendition of Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know”, Pam realized that it hit a little too close to home, and while she hated to miss Kevin’s performance, she needed to take a break from it all. So, she poured herself another strawberry margarita and slipped out before the first chorus began.

Somehow, Jim ended up right next to the monitor, so it wasn’t until Kevin finished the second verse that he dared to look around the crowded room. It only took him a moment to realize that Pam wasn’t in the break room anymore. He wanted to find her and finish their earlier conversation, but knew that she didn’t seem very eager to discuss it in the first place and perhaps, the office’s Christmas party wasn’t the best place to have that conversation. Truthfully, he wasn’t even sure what to say other than that he was sorry she walked in. Did he regret what happened? Sort of. He didn’t want it to go as far as it did, but he didn’t really regret doing it.

But that didn’t mean he wasn’t sorry that she walked in on them.

Even if she didn’t have feelings for him, even if she only wanted to be friends, he knew it must have been weird for her to see him—or anyone else for that matter—groping someone in the break room.

Maybe this needed to happen.

Maybe in order to become friends again, they needed to have something catastrophically awkward happen.

Maybe then everything would click back into place.

He knew he hadn’t helped the situation by pushing her away, but what else was he supposed to do?

Now, all he wanted was his friend back.

But were they ever truly friends?

He wasn’t sure.

Maybe for her, that’s all they ever were.

Then it hit him. He had been so focused on his self-preservation that he failed to notice that she lost something too. Maybe his move hadn’t affected her as deeply as it had affected him and maybe her breakup with Roy had more to do with Roy than with himself, but Jim knew that at one point, Pam considered him to be one of her best friends. His confession, the kiss, the move, it must have impacted her as well.

And now, he was back. He moved back to Scranton and they were working together once again, but now, it was completely different. He wasn’t her sounding board anymore. He wasn’t the shoulder she leaned on. He wasn’t even her co-conspirator when she had a prank up her sleeve. He frowned. In fact, he was fairly certain, given what he knew about his other co-workers, that whatever pranks Pam might have arranged in the last several months were executed all on her own.

And earlier that day, she tried to include him in one of them. She set up this elaborate prank with Dwight and wanted him to get involved in a way to re-capture that part of their friendship. Maybe, he realized, just maybe she missed him more than he had given her credit for. Maybe he wasn’t as disposable to her as he once forced himself to believe.

Maybe he was setting himself up to backslide into something he knew he’d never truly escape from, but then again, maybe he wasn’t. Maybe it would be the start of something new, something better. Maybe they’d come back stronger, and if not, then perhaps they’d get a good laugh out of it anyway.

After all, it was a great prank.

* * *

Holidays are the time to forgive and for things to start anew. After handing Dwight his gift for winning the raffle at Karen and Pam’s party, Pam convinced Karen to make peace with Angela. It seemed ridiculous to have most of the office tucked away in a corner while Angela sat alone in the conference room with Dwight. Angela was a lot to handle most of the time, but still, it was Christmas and Pam wanted everyone to enjoy themselves.

After making peace with her (and getting back the power cord to the karaoke machine), the party stretched out and now spanned the entire office. They set up the karaoke machine in front of Pam’s desk so that no matter where you chose to hang out, you could still hear everyone’s performance.

Michael struck out with both waitresses after he got them mixed up and decided that marking their arms would be the best way to tell them apart, which made him feel even worse than before. He had been dumped twice—no thrice—within the span of a few short hours.

So, when Jim spotted him alone on the couch, looking about as forlorn as he had ever seen his boss, he knew he needed to step in. After all, it was Christmas. Even though Jim was frustrated by the fact that Michael had all but revealed the real reason why he moved to Stamford, he knew that Michael had managed to keep that to himself for a very long time. The least Jim could do was help put everything into perspective.

Jim crossed his arms over his chest after he sat down next to his boss. He wasn’t going to be the first to speak. He knew that Michael would tell him everything in his own time.

Fortunately, it only took Michael a moment to spill his guts. “That waitress was the one.”

Jim didn’t waste any time in correcting him. “No, she wasn’t.”

Michael tapped his fingers against his knee. “How can you be sure?”

“Well, for starters, I’ve known you as a couple since the beginning of the relationship, which was approximately,” Jim glanced at his watch, “three hours ago.”

Michael turned to him. “Don’t make fun of me. You’re making fun of me.”

“Sorry.”

Michael thought about it for a moment before he finally laughed. “I guess I didn’t know her very well. I marked her arm.”

Jim looked at his boss incredulously. “You what?”

Michael laughed despite how horrible he felt. “I—I put a mark on her arm.” They both laughed as Michael rubbed his eyes. God. How could he have been so stupid? “So I could tell them apart.” He shrugged. “I don’t…I know. I know.” He sighed. “I can’t believe I gave her my bike.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah.”

Slowly, Michael’s smile faded as he—once again—stared at the carpeted floor in front of him. “Why do I feel like crap?”

Jim stared at him for a long moment. Truth be told, it was a question he had asked himself more than once over the last seven months. “You just had a rebound.”

Michael considered that. “Had a rebound,” he echoed.

“Yeah,” Jim nodded, “which…don’t get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction. But, when it’s over, you’re left thinking about the girl you really like…the one that broke your heart.” As he spoke, Jim began to think about Karen and Pam once again. Although he didn’t see the point in telling Karen about Pam, he couldn’t help but to feel guilty about the entire situation. He and Karen weren’t serious. Neither of them were looking for a committed relationship and Karen knew that something had happened in his past to make him want to avoid commitment for the foreseeable future, but was it something he should tell her? Was Karen just a rebound or could it become something more? They both agreed that it wasn’t anything serious, but could their arrangement eventually lead to an actual relationship? The potential was there. Jim had fun with Karen. He felt like he could breathe around Karen, but sometimes, Pam would creep into his thoughts at the most inopportune times, like earlier in the break room. He knew he was kissing Karen, but his thoughts remained transfixed on the curly haired receptionist and the almost fatal surge of love and lust that shot through him at the most innocent of contacts.

* * *

Pam’s eyes immediately lit up when Roy walked into the conference room, present in hand. “I know you said you had gifts for my parents and me at your place, but I wanted to go ahead and give this to you.”

She smiled as she took the gift. “You didn’t have to.”

He shrugged.   “I wanted to. Besides, we’ve given each other Christmas presents for the last decade. I...I wasn’t ready to break that tradition.”

“Kind of a tough one to break,” she agreed before she leaned against the table and opened the gift. She could hear Angela sing “The Little Drummer Boy” from the next room. It seemed almost fitting. It was the only Christmas song anyone had sung during the party. For the first time that day, it almost felt like Christmas.

Pam’s smile widened when she opened the book. “Oh. Wow. Roy, this is—“

“I remember you told me a few years ago that you loved Monet.”

She tucked her hair behind her ear before she looked over at him. “You remember that?”

“I remember more than you think.” He gave her a sad smile. “I saw this and thought that it might inspire you. I know you’re taking art classes now, and I want you to know that I’m…I’m very proud of you.”

Pam’s mouth nearly fell open as she looked back down at the book. Those two sentences meant more to her than the actual gift did. She was delighted with the book, but she had never heard Roy tell her that he was proud of her for something, let alone for going back to school and taking art classes. In fact, his resistance toward the very idea was part of the reason why she broke up with him in the first place. Was this his way of showing her that not only would he support her, but would also encourage her to pursue her dreams?

She glanced back at him. She could feel the tears threaten to fall, but for the first time that day, she didn’t mind simply because she was so happy. “Thank you.” She leaned forward and hugged him.

As he leaned against Phyllis’ desk, Jim had a perfect view of the entire exchange. It appeared to be an intimate moment between the former couple and he knew he should look away, but for some reason, he couldn’t. Finally, when Pam leaned forward and hugged Roy, Jim turned back toward Angela, who was finishing up her performance.

God. If Pam and Roy could find some common ground—and it appeared as if they had—then what the hell was he doing? They had never been engaged, let alone actually dated. The only thing she was guilty of was turning him down. She tried to find some common ground with him and he blatantly refused to give it to her.

If Roy Anderson found a way to become friends with her, then why couldn’t he?

* * *

The sign of a successful work party was one in which people ended up staying past 5:00 for. Everyone, including Stanley, stayed until 7:30. Even after the party broke up, several Dunder Mifflinites stuck around to help Karen and Pam clean everything up. By 8:15, Pam was back at her desk, checking for any emails she might have missed before she left the office for Christmas vacation.

As she scanned through her messages, some of the people who had lingered behind to help clean everything up began to leave. She noticed Jim amongst the small group that had wandered toward the door. She wasn’t going to speak to him for fear that he would bring up what happened and she wasn’t in the mood to discuss it.

“’Night, Pam,” he said as he adjusted the strap on his messenger bag.

Well, it was something. She looked up at him. “Night,” she casually responded with a smile. She looked back at her monitor while Jim reached for his coat.

Jim chewed on his bottom lip for a moment as he watched her scroll through her e-mail. “Oh, you know what?” He walked back toward her desk. When she looked over at him, he continued. “Sorry, I forgot to tell you. I intercepted a transmission earlier, and it seems that the CIA is gonna need Dwight down at their headquarters at Langley for training…and an ice cream social with the other agents.”

After the events of the day, it took Pam a moment to realize what Jim was referring to. When she did, she couldn’t keep the smile off of her face.

When she smiled, he smiled. He couldn’t help it. Seeing her happy far outweighed any consequences he might face as a result of this interaction.

Pam turned back to her monitor and began to type. “We should get him a bus ticket.” She looked back at Jim. “To make his trip easier.”

“Oh, no, that would be very patriotic,” Jim deadpanned as he looked at her screen.

Pam cringed when the ticket information came up. She turned to Jim. “It costs $75.”

“Hmm,” he thought about it for a moment. “Well, maybe the CIA could send a helicopter?”

Pam giggled. That was brilliant. This is what she missed the most—being able to laugh with him. Pranking Dwight in the process was just a bonus.

Jim grinned as they began to put their plan into action. Pam had offered him an olive branch, and while he had initially been reluctant to accept it, at the end of the day, he was glad that he did.

After all, ‘tis the season for peace offerings and new beginnings. 


	8. Half-Inch Drywall

Dwight quit.

Although more than a little surprised by his sudden resignation, Jim was fairly confident that life at Dunder Mifflin Scranton would settle down after his (now former) co-worker’s departure. Jim wasn’t entirely sure why he quit in the first place. He knew Dwight loved his job, and the excuse he gave—that he wanted to spend more time with his family—didn’t really sit right with Jim and he couldn’t quite figure out why.

After the first few days, Jim tried not to think about it because, wasn’t this what he wanted the whole time? Didn’t he want Dwight to leave? Wasn’t that the ultimate goal—to have a Dwight-free workplace?

As Jim leaned back in his seat, Andy’s cell phone rang again and Jim inwardly groaned. He knew that no one was on the other end of that call because for the fourth time in the last hour, Andy decided to call his own cell phone in order to hear his ringtone—the one of himself singing four part harmony to “Rockin’ Robin”.

When he wasn’t calling himself, he was belting out parodies of other songs and—consequently—doing everything in his power to drive Jim insane.

Jim hadn’t known a moment of peace in a week, ever since Dwight left and Andy relocated to his desk clump.

Never had Jim missed Dwight more.

If he didn’t do something soon, he was going to lose his mind. Five days into this new work situation had taken an immeasurable toll on him. Finally determined to settle the score, Jim got up and wandered over to Karen’s desk.

The brunette hadn’t even acknowledged her fellow Stamford transfer’s obnoxious behavior as she had spent the better part of the morning furiously typing away on her computer.

When Jim leaned against her desk, he felt his entire body tense up. Oh, yeah. Something definitely had to be done about Andy. “Hey.”

Karen, half dazed and more than a little stressed at the moment, cut her eyes to him. “Hey.”

Jim leaned forward as he lowered his voice. “So, Andy is in rare form today.”

The absolute last thing Karen wanted to do at that moment was discuss Andy. “Yeah, you should not encourage him.” She took a deep breath as she tried to shift her focus back to her work. Despite their heated interlude in the break room, things with Jim had cooled off considerably in the last few weeks. She initially believed it to be the stress of the holiday season, but now, she wasn’t sure. Being chained to her desk during the last week didn’t provide her with a lunch break, but it did offer her something she failed to notice since she moved to Scranton: perspective.

Jim was taken aback by her curt response. “Encourage him? I’m the victim, ok? He’s been driving me insane for the last week.”

Karen sighed as she gave up on the idea of getting any work done at the moment. She turned to face Jim. “Right.”

“We gotta do something.”

Karen shook her head. She barely had time to go to the bathroom, let alone spend half the day pranking Andy. “Look, I’ve got fifteen new clients that I’ve inherited from Dwight and each file is password protected with a different mythical creature, so…” She shrugged, “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

He couldn’t fault her for wanting to do her job, but still, he was disappointed by her refusal. How was he supposed to do it on his own? He had an idea, but needed a lookout in order to execute it. Otherwise, Andy would probably figure out pretty quickly that it was Jim who had done it. “Fine.” He stood up. “Party pooper.”

As he walked back to his desk, he briefly wondered if his idea was a little too extreme. He had only played a few harmless pranks on the Cornell graduate since they met eight months ago. This would, by far, be the worst one. Would it be too much?

When Andy resumed his boisterous singing before Jim could even sit back down, he swiftly came to the conclusion that this prank would be nothing compared to the exasperation he had endured for the last several days.

He had to do this. He just needed to recruit some help in order to put his plan into action.

* * *

Nearly an hour later, when Andy headed toward the break room, Jim tried to enlist Ryan’s help, but Ryan immediately rejected him—writing the whole thing off as being immature. God. When did Ryan become such an asshole? Jim had gotten along with the guy pretty well when he was still a temp, but now that he had been promoted to sales, Ryan was a lot more standoffish with everyone in the office and about 90% of the words that came out of his mouth were completely condescending. It was ridiculous considering the fact that he had yet to make a sale, but that was beside the point.

He still needed a co-conspirator.

He tapped his pen against his desk for a few moments while he considered his options. He knew whom he wanted to bring in, but wasn’t too sure how she would react to his proposal. They still hadn’t addressed their awkward run-in at Christmas, and even though they managed to come together to prank Dwight later that evening, Jim wasn’t quite sure where he stood with her. Were they friends now? Had they finally moved past the awkwardness of his return? He no longer went out of his way to avoid her and they managed to have a few casual conversations over the last few weeks. Still, it just felt weird.

Admittedly, there had been times when he wanted nothing more than to go to Pam’s desk and discuss whatever antics Michael had managed to get himself into, like spending the holidays in Jamaica with Jan. He also had to force himself not to seek her out the moment he found out that Dwight quit, because he knew that at the very least, she’d have a good theory as to why he did it. As tempted as he had been to go to her—to talk to her—he didn’t. Things were going well in his world. He had a wonderful trip to Boston with his family. Things with Karen seemed to be going well and he had been so busy with work over the last few weeks that it became the perfect distraction. Even though Pam sat right behind him, he had been able to maintain his focus on his job and therefore, didn’t think about her nearly as much as he used to.

It had been nice.

He almost felt normal again.

Which was probably why he initially attempted to execute this prank without her assistance. He didn’t want things to get awkward between them again. He wanted to be able to do his job without thinking about Pam or Casino Night or what could have been. There was no point in dwelling in the past and he knew that now. Nothing was going to change between them, so why torture himself by dreaming about the impossible possibilities?

At the same time, if he didn’t do something soon, he might end up killing Andy. Which would be worse: pulling a prank with Pam or spending the rest of his life in prison?

Besides, who said that things had to become awkward again? Maybe this could be a test to see where they were at in the process of restructuring their friendship?

Halfway through a particularly heinous rendition of “Zombie” by The Cranberries, Jim finally made his mind up. He left his desk made his way towards Pam’s, eager to put his plan into motion. He drummed his fingers along the counter for a moment before he finally asked, “Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?”

Pam turned her attention away from the paperwork she was sifting through in order to look up at him. She was slightly surprised by his presence to begin with, but even more stunned by his request. She glanced at the sheet of paper once more before she faced him again. “Um, I’m kind of in the middle of—yes, please,” she begged.

A small smile formed at the edge of his lips. “Ok, good.”

As Andy continued to warble, Jim’s right eye began to twitch. He drummed his fingers against the counter once more. “Stay right here.” He spun around and went back to his desk. He pretended to fumble around with his pencil cup for a moment before—and perhaps a little too obviously—he dumped the entire contents of the cup onto the area where Andy’s desk met his, right beside his co-worker’s cellphone.

Andy, who had been completely immersed in the song he was singing, didn’t notice how deliberate the ‘accident’ had been. “Oh.”

“Sorry about that.” Jim apologized as he began to clean up the mess.

Andy leaned back in his chair and smirked. “Good move, Tuna,” he teased before he turned toward his computer. “Nice one.”

The moment Andy turned away from him, Jim picked up the cell phone along with several pens and pencils. Phone in hand, he went back to Pam’s desk, where he casually placed the device behind the “Reception” nameplate. “Are there any messages?”

Pam bit her bottom lip in order to hide her smile when she saw the cellphone. “Nope.”

“So weird,” he sighed before he went back to his desk.

Pam reached for the phone and lowered it to her desk. What was Jim up to?

Jim sat at his desk for a good fifteen minutes before he finally sighed, stood up, and headed toward the kitchenette. When he had made it halfway there, Pam, who had been trailing behind him per his instructions, handed him the cellphone before she stopped at the water cooler.

Karen, despite being knee-deep in deciphering Dwight’s passwords, looked over at the pair as they passed behind her. She furrowed her eyebrows. Their interaction wasn’t strange, but after what happened between Jim and her the day of the Christmas party, Karen began to pay closer attention to the few interactions Jim and Pam had with one another. While she initially thought that Jim and Pam had been little more than co-workers, his reaction to Pam walking in on them had been more than a little peculiar. Karen also began to notice how his jaw seemed to twitch whenever Pam walked into a room—like he was trying to restrain himself from reacting to her very presence—and how he’d sometimes linger by the coat rack whenever he left—like he was trying to figure out whether or not he should speak to her.

She became even more curious about their relationship when she realized that it was Pam who had convinced Jim that it wouldn’t be a big deal if Karen moved a few blocks away from where he lived. Karen didn’t intentionally seek out an apartment so close to him. She was just so tired of staying at a hotel and that apartment had been the first decent one she had seen for rent since she moved to Scranton months ago.

All along, Karen knew that Jim had moved to Stamford in order to move on from someone, but with every passing day, she became more and more convinced that person was Pam.

Pam tried to act as nonchalantly as possible when she stopped at the water cooler. As she grabbed a plastic cup and filled it with water, Jim went into the kitchenette, crawled on top of the counter, and quietly moved one of the ceiling tiles. When Pam turned around, she nonchalantly sipped on her water as she made sure that no one was paying attention to Jim as he tossed Andy’s phone in the direction of their desk clump.

Jim thought for sure that the thud the phone made as it connected with the ceiling tile blew his cover, but when he scanned the office for any reaction, he realized that no one noticed, or if they had, they didn’t care.

* * *

A few hours later, Jim and Pam decided that it was time to activate part two of their plan. It took a great deal of acting on Jim’s part not to smile as Andy’s phone began to ring. He pretended to be reading a document on his computer while he casually tapped his pen along to the beat of the ringtone. Even as Andy began to frantically search for his cell phone, Jim somehow managed to keep a straight face.

Andy frowned as he searched everywhere for his missing phone. “Um…large Tuna, have you seen my cell phone device?”

Jim shook his head as he continued to tap the desk. “No.”

Andy pulled open a few of his desk drawers. He knew that his phone wasn’t there, but he had to make sure. He knew it had to be somewhere close. He could hear it ringing! “Because someone is calling right now.” He leaned over and began to search for the missing phone under his desk. “There is a call.”

When Andy doubled over in order to search under his desk, Jim turned to Pam, who was failing miserably at keeping the smile from her face as she pressed the receiver of her work phone to her ear. God, she really missed this. She thought for sure once Dwight left that there would be no more pranking in the office, which would have left Pam and Jim with nothing to talk about (at least anything that was safe to discuss at work), but then Andy became more and more obnoxious and well, Pam surmised, he really had it coming.

After another moment, Pam discreetly hung up the phone and wandered into the conference room in order to help Angela, Ryan, and Kelly set up Oscar’s welcome back party. It was his first day back since the incident with Michael months ago, so naturally, Michael wanted to throw a Mexican themed welcome back party. Pam, still reeling from the last party she organized, pushed the responsibility of the set-up along to some of her other co-workers, but after that phone call, she felt a sudden burst of energy and knew she couldn’t stay at her desk while Andy freaked out.

In the back of her mind, Pam thought that Jim only acquiesced to help her play that prank on Dwight at Christmas because of what she walked in on. That belief was compounded by the fact that they hadn’t said much to one another since then, so she was really surprised that he approached her with the opportunity to prank Andy. Being able to be around him like that again had been exhilarating. She now had all of this adrenaline that she didn’t really know what to do with.

So, she offered to hang up the piñata while Kelly and Ryan set the food out.

By the time she walked back to her desk, she heard Andy’s phone ring again. She glanced at Jim who leaned back in his seat, phone in hand, while he watched Andy slowly meltdown.

Andy really did have it coming. He had been completely insufferable over the last week—ever since Dwight quit. While Angela had confided to Pam the real reason why Dwight left the company, Pam couldn’t help but to wonder if Andy had something to do with it. She knew that Michael wasn’t very strict about where his employees went if they disappeared for a couple of hours. Pam knew that someone had to have alerted him to the fact that Dwight had gone to New York, and the only person Pam could think of with something to gain by Dwight leaving was Andy.

Yeah, he definitely had this coming and Pam wasn’t about to feel sorry for him.

Andy’s jaw clenched as he clasped his hands together in a failed attempt to control his intensifying anger. “What’s going on,” he asked as he addressed the entire office.

Jim looked up at him, phone still pressed to his ear. “What are you talking about?”

“Where is my freakin’ phone,” his voice rose with every syllable he uttered. It wasn’t funny. Who would steal his phone?

Jim tapped his fingers against his desk. “You know what? Maybe it’s in the ceiling.”

“You know what? Maybe you’re in the ceiling,” Andy snapped back at him.

Jim smirked, pleased that everything seemed to be going according to plan. “Ok.”

Andy practically growled as he spun around and began to open up Phyllis’ desk drawers. “I don’t trust you, Phyllis,” he muttered as she slammed one of the drawers shut.

* * *

He punched the wall.

Andy actually punched a hole in the wall.

Jim still couldn’t believe it. It all happened so quickly. He called Andy’s phone—for the fifth time in the last hour and a half—while he spoke with Michael. By the time he called it a sixth time, Michael had instructed Andy to stop kissing his ass and to stop agreeing with everything he said.

To be honest, Jim couldn’t remember a time when his boss had been that annoyed by anyone.

The entire office fell silent at Michael’s outburst. It was then—at that precise moment—that Andy’s cell phone rang for the sixth and final time.

As it continued to ring, Andy, who had finally reached the end of his rope, spun around and proceeded to yell at the entire office before he turned to face the wall between Michael’s office and the conference room. Then, in the blink of an eye, he rammed his fist right through the wall.

Jim’s eyes widened as he quickly and quietly hung up the phone. He wasn’t sure when he’d stop with the calls, but the moment Andy’s fist collided with the wall, Jim knew that his point had been made. Mission accomplished. He managed to drive Andy just as crazy as Andy had driven him over the last several days.

Andy stared at the hole for a solid minute before he slowly turned to face his co-workers. About a dozen shocked faces stared back at him. “That was an overreaction,” he willingly admitted as he nervously chuckled. “Going to hit the break room. Does anybody want anything?” When he was met with nothing but silence, he turned to Pam who was still trying to get the office decorated for the party. “Pam, you good?”

Pam swallowed as she nodded her head. “Yeah.” What the hell just happened?

“You sure? Ok.” He took once last look at the hole before he retreated to the break room.

Pam’s eyes widened as she shifted her gaze to Jim. While Jim never thought Andy would react so violently, he couldn’t help but to smile back at her.

Moments later and without a word, Michael left the office. Oscar’s party commenced shortly thereafter. Perhaps it was the stress of the day or the desperate desire to take a much-needed break, but everyone quickly got into the spirit of the party. Nearly everyone donned sombreros while they drank lemonade and ate nachos.

Pam and Jim stared at the hole in the wall in complete silence for a few minutes before Jim took a step forward and inspected it. “Oh my God,” he began in disbelief, “That’s half-inch drywall.”

Pam turned to him. “I think we broke his brain.”

Jim snorted in response while Pam giggled at his reaction. Neither had ever imagined it would go that far, let alone that Andy was capable of that kind of anger. Being able to laugh about it was a way for them to help dilute the tension his outburst had created. They were grateful that no one got injured, but at the same time, how could they predict something like this would happen?

“It’s not freakin’ funny,” Jim playfully scolded. As Pam’s laughter intensified, Jim snorted again. It was as if the last eight months never existed. For a few sweet moments, they were simply Pam and Jim again. There were no bittersweet smiles or anguished undertones in their conversation.

It was the first time in nearly a year that Jim almost felt like himself again. “Beesly, how could you,” he grinned as his gaze drifted toward the hole once more. “And on Oscar’s first day back, too.”

Pam shrugged. “I really didn’t think he’d punch a hole in the wall.” While she was still shocked by Andy’s reaction, some small part of her was grateful for it. This was the first conversation she had with Jim since he came back that didn’t feel forced or awkward or laced with angst and resentment. They were both genuinely happy while they took good-natured jabs at one another. “Oh my God. Did you see the look on Michael’s face?”

She knew it couldn’t possibly last, but for right now, in this one moment, Pam felt something she hadn’t felt in a very long time: pure happiness.

* * *

About an hour later, Michael returned to the office, Dwight in tow. When she spotted the pair at the door, Pam turned to Angela, who couldn’t keep the smile off of her face. Despite the fact that their relationship was frequently strained by Angela’s biting comments, Pam was genuinely happy for the blonde. She knew that Angela felt a lot of guilt over what happened with Dwight, but when Dwight gave Angela a knowing smirk, Pam’s smile widened. She knew that the couple had been together for over a year now, but she also knew that she was the only person in the office who knew about it. Angela had only recently started to confide in her about the relationship and Pam swore that she’d keep the whole thing a secret. She often wondered why the couple hadn’t gone public, but had to admit that she’d probably feel the same way if she ever dated someone she worked with—again.

Pam was happy to learn that Dwight was coming back to work at Dunder Mifflin. The office hadn’t been the same since he left. Even though he drove her crazy most of the time, Dwight was always frank and honest with everyone—quite often to a fault. It was a trait that Andy severely lacked. Pam couldn’t help but to feel bad for Andy, who chose to camp out in the break room since his outburst. She hoped that everything would work out and Andy wouldn’t be reprimanded too harshly for his actions. If Michael could kiss Oscar and they—somehow—were able to move past it, then anything was possible. Right? 

Jim had completely ditched the sombrero by the time he sat down in the conference room. Somewhere in between Meredith announcing that anyone was welcome to do body shots off of her and Dwight beating one of the piñatas until it practically became confetti, he began to contemplate the day’s events. He remembered how her face lit up when he made a wise crack about the fake mustaches Kevin and Meredith wore. He was completely captivated by the way her eyes sparkled underneath the fluorescent lights above him. It took him a few moments to even realize that he had been staring, something he swore to himself that he’d avoid at all costs, because God, how was he supposed to get over her when he kept getting lost in her?

When he heard approaching footsteps, he lifted his head and glanced at the doorway. Karen seemed on edge as she lingered in the entryway for a moment before she finally approached him. “Hey.” He wondered if she was still frustrated with Dwight’s passwords, but quickly reminded himself that it wouldn’t make any sense for her to be aggravated anymore because Dwight was back and she wouldn’t have to spend hours deciphering those files anymore.

Karen said nothing, even as she sat down. She sighed as she tried to think of a way to broach the subject. After a moment, she decided that being direct with Jim would be best for all concerned. She didn’t want to give him an easy way out of any potential awkwardness their conversation would have. She knew the office wasn’t the ideal environment to have it, but after seeing them together moments earlier, she couldn’t wait. “I need to ask you a question.”

He could tell by the tone in her voice that her question wasn’t about where they were going to eat that night. He wasn’t sure that he was prepared for whatever she was about to ask, but at that point, he knew she deserved to hear the truth. “Ok.”

“Did you ever have a thing for Pam?”

There it was. The one question he hoped she’d never ask, but was surprised that it took her this long to ask. He swallowed harshly as he leaned forward in his seat. Where was he supposed to begin? “Pam?” Even though he couldn’t see her when she nodded her head in response, he continued. “Did I ever have a thing for her?” He looked down at his hands, which were clasped together in front of him. “No.” It was a knee jerk reaction—born from the same place that forced him to conceal those feelings for the better part of three years. He chewed on his bottom lip. “Why? Did she say something?”

Karen frowned at his reaction. The least he could do was to be honest with her. “I moved here from Connecticut.”

He rubbed his hands together as he continued to bite his bottom lip. God. He felt like such an ass. “Yeah. Ok, here’s the—“ he sighed before he leaned back in his seat. “I had…a crush on her…before I left, and…and I told her about it, and…she didn’t feel the same way. So, it didn’t amount to anything and…I left.”

Karen slowly exhaled. She knew that it had to have been Pam, but hearing him confirm it still made her heart sink. She knew he didn’t owe her an explanation because they both agreed that they weren’t going to be monogamous, but still, Karen couldn’t help the wave of nausea that hit her after hearing his confession. “So…so she’s the one.” Her voice came out a little more hoarse than she thought it would, so she cleared her throat before she continued. “The reason why…” She pursed her lips as her gaze fell to the ground. “Your baggage.”

When Jim ran his fingers through his mussed hair in response, Karen knew she had her answer. “Do you still have feelings for her?”

It was the question he had been wrestling with ever since he came back. Every day offered a different answer, but he now knew that it was because he had been drifting in and out of denial for months. He took a deep breath before he finally nodded and uttered a quiet “yes”. It wasn’t so much a confession to Karen as it was an admission to himself. While he had already deduced that he still had feelings for Pam, it wasn’t until then that he openly acknowledged it.

He knew it wasn’t fair to Karen no matter what their relationship was. He slowly inhaled before he faced the brunette. “For what it’s worth, I’m really glad you’re here.” It wasn’t much. It wasn’t an apology. It wasn’t an attempt to conceal the truth. After all, he _was_ genuinely happy that Karen decided to move to Scranton. He was just clueless as to how to get Pam out of his stubborn heart.

When Karen didn’t respond, he placed his hand over hers. “I mean it. I’m glad you’re here. The last few months have been…a lot better with you around.”

She slowly looked down at their joined hands. “Am I just a distraction?”

“What? No.” He shook his head. “I really like you, Karen. I just…I need to figure out a way to…work this out before…” he sighed. “I want to do it the right way.”

“I like you, Jim.” She hated feeling so vulnerable. After all, wasn’t that part of the reason why she didn’t want to get involved in the first place? Despite her best efforts to keep things casual, Jim’s confession made Karen realize just how far she had fallen for the guy who sat next to her. “More than I thought I would. I was…was hoping that…that maybe this could turn into…something more...some day.”

He lifted the right corner of his lips into a half smile. “Me too.”

“But you need to work through this first.”

He nodded. “And I am.”

She lifted her eyebrows in disbelief. “Are you? Because from what I saw earlier…I mean…I didn’t really piece it all together until…like fifteen minutes ago.”

“I’m just…I’m still getting used to being back here. The fact that I can even joke around with…” His jaw twitched. “Trust me. It’s a step.”

She nodded before she stood up. “Ok. Well, I know that we’re…not really…you know…but at the very least…we’re friends. If you want to talk…or…or not…” She let the rest of her sentence hang in the air between them. She knew he’d never willingly have a conversation about another woman with her. Jim wasn’t the kind of guy to do that. She was shocked that he had been so open with her now. In fact, his honesty was the only reason why Karen didn’t end their pseudo relationship right then and there.

Her limbs quaked as she left the conference room and made a beeline toward the bathroom.

Even from across the room, Pam could tell that Karen seemed upset as she went into the bathroom. Her curiosity piqued, Pam peered into the conference room. When she spotted Jim alone and hunched over in his seat, she wondered what happened. She quickly realized that if she had witnessed this a year ago, she wouldn’t have thought twice about going to the conference room and talking to him about it, but as she glanced back toward the kitchenette, she had to admit to herself that they weren’t in the same place as they were a year ago. Everything was different.

But maybe one day.

Maybe one day they’ll be comfortable enough around one another to talk about something other than the weather or the best way to prank their co-workers.

Maybe one day she won’t hesitate to ask him what’s on his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a very interesting chapter, I know, but I needed to set some things up before a certain wedding happens.


	9. Ben Franklin is Kind of a Creep

Pam could feel the entire world pulsate around her as she walked into the office that Friday morning. She knew that—at the very least—she had a cold, and while tempted to call out—especially on a Friday—she somehow managed to pull herself together long enough to get dressed and drive to work.

Perhaps if her co-workers noticed that she seemed to be under the weather, it would offer her an excuse not to attend Phyllis’ wedding next week.

She frowned as she stepped into the elevator. 

That was selfish.

She wanted to go and support Phyllis and celebrate her marriage to Bob, but Pam knew she’d be subjecting herself to several things she could go an entire lifetime without. She knew that, inevitably, someone would crack a ‘joke’ about how Phyllis went through with her wedding while Pam didn’t. Pam also knew that said ex-fiancé would be in attendance, and while they had become more friendly with one another over the last few months, Pam didn’t want to end up in a corner with him lamenting over everything that could have been.

And then there was the fact that Karen and Jim would be there together and—no matter how hard she tried—she’d be forced to watch them act like the couple they were.

God.

What if Karen caught the bouquet?

Pam’s stomach churned.

If whatever sickness she contracted could somehow worsen over the following week, Pam wouldn’t be mad about it. At least then, if she happened to get pneumonia or the flu, she wouldn’t need to come up with an excuse not to go.

But, knowing her luck, it would remain an annoying little cold and she’d magically get better the day before the event. And because she was who she was, she’d end up going because despite the fact that she knew she’d have a miserable time, the day wasn’t about her—not even remotely.

It was about Phyllis and Bob.

As Pam took her coat off, she noticed that Jim and Karen were already hard at work.

She frowned as she slid into her own chair. It was strange. Neither of them had ever beaten her to work, let alone be at their desks and working before 8:00.

Had something happened?

* * *

 

It had been a long week. Despite their casual relationship status, Jim found himself spending every night of the last week having hours-long discussions with Karen. While the central focus had been about Pam and Jim’s unresolved feelings for her, they also had endless conversations about their pseudo-relationship and what future—if any—they had.

Every single conversation ended in frustration, tears, or a complete stalemate.

Jim simply wasn’t ready to commit.

He was upfront with her about that from the very beginning and he still felt the same way. While he told Karen that he still had unresolved feelings for the receptionist, he also made it a point to tell Karen that he enjoyed being with her and that his feelings for her had deepened over the last few months.

Karen immediately suggested that they get out of town for a few days. She didn’t care where. She just wanted to get away.

While a vacation seemed nice and tempting enough, Jim knew that all of their issues would be there the moment they got back. Everything wasn’t going to magically fix itself just because of a zip code change.

He would know. He already tried that.

He told her that he wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t want to wait for him. Even though she was incredibly frustrated by the entire situation and more than a little insecure about her where she stood with him, she told him that she was willing to wait until he was ready. She knew what she wanted and what she wanted was a commitment. 

Until then—well, Jim wasn’t entirely sure what they were now. He thought she’d want to spend her nights at her own place, but instead, she had all but practically moved in with him.

Frankly, it was a little bit suffocating, but he couldn’t help but to feel guilty about the entire situation. Perhaps he should have made it crystal clear before they moved that the receptionist at the Scranton branch was the one who broke his heart. She was the reason why he applied—and subsequently, accepted—the position in Stamford. While he was upfront about the fact that he wasn’t quite over the one who broke his heart, he should have been clearer about how far along in the ‘getting over it’ process he really was.

Although to be fair, he wasn’t sure until he saw her again just how little progress he had made.

He rubbed the back of his neck while he tried to focus on his work. Was this what he had been reduced to? Actually trying to get some work done? He took a deep breath. Focusing on his job seemed to be the only bit of relief he felt from it all. The entire situation was so messy and dramatic.

And incredibly exhausting.

How the hell did he end up here?

As he leaned forward, Pam frowned. Unless he came to speak to her, Pam only ever saw the back of him—thanks to Ryan. While there had been days that she was grateful the former temp had taken Jim’s seat, most of the time, she just missed her friend. She noticed over the last several days just how tired and stressed he seemed. It only took her a little while to realize that whatever happened must have involved Karen, because about least three times a day, Karen would suddenly get up, go to Jim’s desk and hug him.

Even though Pam walked in on them at the Christmas party, and therefore, wasn’t a complete stranger to their public displays of affection, she could tell that it was different this time. It seemed like Karen was trying to reassure him about something. Pam wasn’t sure if there was something going on with their relationship or if Jim was having some sort of an issue with his family or if it was something else entirely. They weren’t close enough for her to come right out and ask him, but as the days ticked by, her curiosity and desire to help him in any way she could began to wear her down.

And then, not long after 10:00 on that doomed Friday, Todd Packer waltzed into the office.

While Pam couldn’t stand him, she knew that Jim hated the guy. Minutes after his arrival, he managed to convince Michael to allow two strippers in the office: a male stripper for Phyllis’ shower and a female one for Bob’s bachelor party in the warehouse.

Pam felt even more nauseous at the news. Why didn’t she just call out of work that day?

* * *

 

Pam took a deep breath before she entered the break room. She initially came in to get a snack, but almost decided against it when she saw Jim at the drink machine. She chewed on her bottom lip while she watched Jim mull over his drink options.

 _‘Fuck it,’_ she thought as she slowly entered the room. She felt like crap and was tired of trying to figure out what was going on. “Hey.” She inwardly cringed at how congested she sounded.

As Jim pulled the soft drink from the machine, he looked up at her. “Hey.”

For a few seconds, Pam tried to appear as nonchalant as possible. “Uh…”

Jim couldn’t help but to chuckle at her. What was going on? “Uh…” he playfully mimicked.

Pam’s smile faltered slightly. “Everything ok?”

Jim’s smile fell. Was it that obvious? “Oh, yeah.” He narrowed his eyes in confusion. “Why?”

 _‘The truth. Always go with the truth…well, this time.’_ “Well, you seem a little tired.”

“Oh.” He looked away from her. “Yeah…well…” He wasn’t sure what he should say. Part of him wanted to get some advice about the situation, but this was Pam. She was the reason behind all of the late nights, and he definitely didn’t want to have that conversation while they were at work. Still, she had asked. He figured he might as well be as honest as he possibly could about it. “I guess…there’s been a couple of late nights,” he nervously chuckled. That was putting it mildly. He could count on one hand the number of hours he slept in the last week.

Pam slowly nodded as she tried to remain as impartial as humanly possible. Still, it wasn’t quite what she expected to hear. Late nights? Her stomach churned at the possibilities of what that meant.

She didn’t have to ponder the meaning for very long.

“Karen and I have been up…talking.” In an attempt to lighten the mood, he pretended to cringe.

Pam nodded once more. Talking about what? It couldn’t possibly be about normal, everyday stuff. Was it about their future? Were things going that well between them or were things starting to go downhill? She knew it wasn’t any of her business to pry. Still, Jim was her friend—on some days—the least she could do was offer some support. “You should get more sleep.”

He paused. _‘Nice change of subject, Beesly.’_ “Yeah.” He gave her a small smile. “I know I should.”

“Never underestimate the power of a good night’s sleep.”

He shook his head. “No, I’m sure you’re right.”

“When I get eight hours, compared to, like, six hours…” She nervously giggled. She was well aware of the fact that she was beginning to babble, but she couldn’t help it. Maybe it was the daytime cold medicine she had taken earlier or just the simple fact that they were actually having a conversation with one another. Either way, she continued. “It’s like, big difference!”

Damn. She was really adorable when she rambled. “Really?”

“Oh, yeah.” _‘Shut up. Quit while you’re ahead.’_ Despite her best efforts, she couldn’t seem to stop talking. “Gotta get your REM cycle. Going with the whole…sleeping…better than not.” God. Was she even speaking English anymore?

Jim chuckled once more. “Good advice, Beesly.” He turned to leave. “Thanks. See you out there?”

“Yeah.” She looked down. What the hell was she doing? Before she could stop herself, she called out: “Don’t fall asleep at your desk!” She immediately rolled her eyes as she turned back toward the vending machine. “Oh my God.” That had to have been the most embarrassing thing she had ever done in front of him—and that included kissing him and falling off her chair at the Dundie’s. She had an excuse for her behavior that night. She was drunk. The only thing she could blame today on was the fact that she had a bad cold and maybe her daytime cold medicine had been laced with something?

All she wanted was to go home, but she already promised Phyllis she’d be at the shower.

The shower that would now have a stripper.

* * *

This was actually going to become a thing? Jim knew he shouldn’t be surprised, but even he could have sworn that Michael would have never signed off on having strippers in the office—no matter who attended the party.

Leave it to Todd Packer to manipulate his boss into believing that both parties would be lame without them.

Jim didn’t even want to go to Bob’s bachelor party, let alone be the one to hire the entertainment. Thankfully for him, Dwight volunteered to do it, but then that meant that Jim had to listen to his co-worker ramble off a list of demands for the type of girl he wanted.

The whole situation disgusted him. Not only was he in the middle of this thing with Karen and Pam, but now this?

What happened to actually getting work done while at work?

“What do you think: brunette or redhead?”

Jim froze at Dwight’s question. It felt very much like a trap. He knew that no matter his response, both women would overhear it and he would be in deeper than he already was. He was exhausted. All he wanted to do was go home and sleep for the next several days. The last thing he wanted was to tell Dwight what color hair the stripper should have. “Blonde,” he finally mumbled. It wasn’t a redhead and it wasn’t a brunette.   That way, he wouldn’t risk angering Karen or offending Pam somehow.

He wasn’t even sure what—if anything—Pam thought of him these days. He was so consumed by trying to figure out what to do next with Karen that he wouldn’t even allow himself to think about where Pam landed in all of this. She had no idea what was going on and he was fairly certain that she wouldn’t care, even if he told her. Earlier, she asked him if he was ok, but he knew she was simply being polite. Anyone could see that he was exhausted. She was merely concerned as a co-worker, nothing more.

God.

He had to figure out where he stood with Karen.

Because he already knew where he stood with Pam. They were friends. Well, sort of.

When Dwight suddenly tasked him with hiring the male stripper, a brilliant idea came to mind. He would never hire a male stripper for the females in the office, because he knew most of them wouldn’t want there to be a stripper in the first place. Instead, he thought it might be a better idea to hire one of the Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania, you know, for educational purposes.

Now, he had an even bigger decision to make: He had to figure out which founding father Phyllis preferred.

* * *

Pam practically jumped at the chance to wash the dishes as Phyllis’ party mercifully came to an end. She would have done practically anything in order to get out of the conference room and away from it all. She wasn’t sure which was worse: the Ben Franklin impersonator or the endless conversation about sex.

It wasn’t as if Pam was a prude or anything. She didn’t mind engaging in discussions about that kind of thing, but when it was Karen’s turn to tell a few stories, Pam couldn’t help but to wonder if the ‘knew his way around the female form’ and the ‘I didn’t know sex in public could be so thrilling’ guy was Jim. She assumed it was because they were together, he worked in the office, and Karen must have known that every story would inevitably get back to him, but God, Pam didn’t want to hear it. It was all she could do to show up to work every morning. The last thing she wanted was to know that they ‘spent the entire weekend in bed’.

So yes, as the party began to die down, she jumped at the chance to get away from the conference room.

Jesus. Could this day get any weirder?

Just as she turned off the water, she heard the door to the kitchenette open. She gave a small, albeit strained smile to the brunette who offered a forced smile in return. “Need any help with that?”

Pam looked down at the pile of dishes before she looked back up at Karen. “No, I got it covered.”

Karen slowly nodded. “That was easily the weirdest bachelorette party I’ve ever been to.”

Pam chuckled. “Right? I mean…Ben Franklin? How does that happen? How does one become a historical re-enactor?”

Karen smiled. “I have no idea. Maybe if you have the Ben Franklin wig and the costume, and you figure ‘How could I put this to practical use?’”

This was weird. There was a Jim-sized elephant in the room with them, but Pam wasn’t about to be the first to mention it. She still felt horrible and the strangeness of the day did little to alleviate her cold symptoms.

Either way, if Karen didn’t want to talk about it, then that was just fine by Pam. “Well, I like to think that his dad was a Ben Franklin impersonator…and he really pressured him into it.”

Karen laughed. She liked Pam. She really did. Pam had defended her against Angela at Christmas and while they couldn’t possibly be more different, Karen knew they had at least one thing in common. Maybe if they could just clear the air, the three of them could get over the awkwardness between them. “Hey, um…I wanted to talk to you. I-I know this weird or whatever, but um…Jim told me about you guys.”

There it was. She had suspected that Jim said something to Karen about it because of the countless glances and stares Pam noticed coming from the Karen’s direction over the last several days, but before she could say anything, Pam needed to know what exactly was said. “What do you mean?”

“Well, that you kissed.”

Pam could feel her smile faltering and she was too tired to even try to pretend anymore.

But before she could respond, Karen continued. “And we’ve…talked it through…and it’s totally fine. It’s not a big deal.” She waited a beat. “It was just a kiss.” 

It was a lot to take in at once, because Pam was there when it all happened and it wasn’t anything like what Karen had just described. _‘Totally fine. Not a big deal. Just a kiss.’_

Things weren’t totally fine. While she and Jim had shared a few moments of normalcy over the last few months, they were far from being fine around one another. 

And what happened between them was a big deal. Jim moved to Stamford after that night. Over the following weeks, Pam tried to call and text him to no avail. He just disappeared. At the time, Pam knew that their friendship would never be the same again, and thus far, it hadn’t been.

Finally, it was _‘just a kiss’_? Just a kiss?! Pam wondered if Jim really worded it that way because had she not stopped him, had she not opened her mouth, had she not thought about the consequences for a split second, would it all have ended there—with just a kiss?

Some would say that, at the very least, they made out. She was sprawled on top of his desk while he hovered over her. Pam distinctly remembered how every nerve inside of her screamed that what they were doing was so much more than what it actually was. It was more than just a kiss. It was more than just a moment of weakness for her. For those few precious seconds, they didn’t hide behind the pretense of their friendship. They freely expressed all of these pent up emotions they had managed to repress for years and now, not even a year later, Jim wrote the whole thing off as ‘just a kiss’?

Pam felt dizzy. Yes, he was with someone else and sure, it made sense that he wouldn’t tell his girlfriend everything he felt while he was making out someone else, but ‘just a kiss’?

Was it all bullshit? Was it all just in her head? Was it really just a crush on his end that he was—clearly—over now? Was she the only one clinging onto something that was dead long before it could ever begin?

It all made sense now. It was the reason why he never bothered to call her back. It explained why he pushed her away when he came back. Suddenly, it was all crystal clear. What he felt for her wasn’t love: it was just a crush.

And she threw away everything she had spent years building on someone who couldn’t even be bothered to text her back.

Wow.

When Pam didn’t respond, Karen frowned. “Wait. You’re not still…interested in him?”

“Oh, yeah.” She was still reeling from it all. She knew she needed to keep her logic in check, but at the same time, she promised herself months ago that when it came to Jim, she needed to take everything at face value. That meant accepting what he said to Karen and using that as motivation to get as far away from him as she possibly could.

Karen’s eyes widened. Did Pam really just tell her that she was still interested in Jim? “Really.”

Pam looked at Karen for a long moment. It would be so easy to just let the truth hang in the air above them. After all, Pam was exhausted from bottling it all up, but what was the point? The truth wasn’t going to change anything. That was painfully obvious now. So, she feigned confusion. “Oh, no,” she widened her eyes for an added effect. “I’m—I was confused by your phrasing.” _‘Sure. Let’s go with that.’_ “You should definitely go out with Jim.” _‘Too much.’_ “I mean…you’re going out with Jim. I’m not going out with Jim.” _‘Get it together, Beesly.’_ She nervously chuckled. “You’re dating him, which is awesome because you guys are great together.” Her stomach churned. She wanted to blame it on the fact that she was sick and a symptom of that sickness was nausea, but she knew the truth: it was because she was certain he had been the one that made Karen’s ‘toes curl’.

Karen stared at her for a long moment. She wasn’t sure whether Pam was being honest with her or not. “Okay.”

“I’m not into Jim,” Pam declared. Maybe if she said it enough, she’d fool herself into believing it. “Yeah.”

Karen nodded. Pam seemed a lot more decisive that time. “So, um…we’re good?”

Pam nodded. “Yeah.” She looked down at the sink. “Sorry.”

“What are you sorry about?”

Pam searched her brain. She wasn’t sorry. She wasn’t sorry about anything as far as Jim was concerned. It happened. She didn’t regret it. It was obvious now that he did, but their situation wasn’t ever going to change, so why did she feel the need to apologize? “Um…what?”

“What are you sorry about?”

“Nothing.” That was the truth. She wasn’t sorry at all. Only now that she knew how he felt about that night, she knew she needed to find a way to get over this Jim thing for once and for all. “I was just thinking of something else.”

* * *

 

All she wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, and forget the entire day had ever happened. She wanted to ask Michael if she could leave, but when he came back from Bob’s bachelor party, he immediately barricaded himself inside his office. Pam had no idea what it was about, but given the mixed expressions of amusement and shock on the guys’ faces as they re-entered the office, she figured that something other than a woman taking off her clothes had happened in the warehouse. 

She didn’t have the strength to ask.

“You know, I invented electricity.”

Pam looked up. Of course. The Ben Franklin impersonator. Why the hell was he still here? Did anyone else think it was weird that both the Ben Franklin impersonator and the dancer Dwight hired were still in the office? “I know.”

“Well, I’m sensing a little electricity right here.”

She inwardly cringed as he leaned across the desk. What the hell was wrong with this guy? Here she was, at her job, obviously sick with a cold at the very least, and he—in a Ben Franklin costume—was trying to pick her up? Pam looked around the room. No one seemed to be paying them any attention. Dear God, never in her life had she wanted someone interrupt a conversation more than she did right now. “Didn’t Ben Franklin have syphilis?”

The guy chuckled, amused by Pam’s response and completely unaware of the fact that she was trying to tactfully let him know that she wasn’t interested. “Yes, but I don’t.” He laughed once more before he leaned further over her desk. “My name’s Gordon.”

No one? No one was going to step in and help? She was just stranded here with Ben Fr—Gordon? She quickly gave up the tactful approach when he leaned forward. “Oh,” she trailed off as she tried to figure out when exactly it was that her life began to spiral so out of control that she ended up where she was at that exact moment: at work, with a cold, being hit on by a historical re-enactor?

Jim leaned forward in his seat as he tried to act like he was working on something. Truthfully, he wished he could focus on work, but unfortunately, he heard every word of the conversation that took place behind him. Was this guy actually hitting on Pam in that outfit?  It wasn’t as if he could blame the guy. Clearly, he had good taste, but really?

“Will you excuse me, I need to…go,” Pam told Gordon before she got up and practically sprinted toward the women’s bathroom. She needed a break from Gordon, Jim, Karen—everyone.

When she entered the bathroom, she immediately plopped down on the couch. She thought Jim’s first day back at Scranton was bad. She thought that walking in on the couple at Christmas was bad. It was all child’s play compared to today. This was, by far and away, the worst day she had ever had at Dunder Mifflin. Not only did she not get any work done, but Ben Franklin hit on her, she had to listen to Karen as the brunette regaled every female in the office with sex stories about Jim, and oh, she also found out that Jim’s feelings for her had been nothing more than a crush.

And she was sick.

She wasn’t sure how long she laid there or if anyone had even taken notice of the fact that she had disappeared in the first place. Most of the time she felt invisible at work. It never bothered her that much, but sometimes she wished that someone would notice her or even ask her opinion on things. She knew that most people only saw her as a receptionist, but God, she was so much more than that. She didn’t always believe that, but over the last few months, after she enrolled in a few art classes, Pam slowly began to realize her worth.

And she was worth a hell of a lot more than what she got back from most people.

But what was she going to do about it? How was she going to let them all know that she was a person worth knowing?

Would they even pay attention long enough to hear her out?

She sighed as she slowly stood up. What would be the point, anyway? Nothing would change. They would all merely nod their heads and life as she knew it would go back to this.

 _‘Maybe,’_ she mused as she trudged back toward her desk, _‘there are worse things in life than being hit on by Ben Franklin.’_

* * *

It was nearly 4:00, and in order to survive the final hour of the day, Pam knew she needed to try to eat something. She didn’t eat at the party because the conversation made her lose her appetite and it had been a long time since she scarfed down the bowl of cereal she had that morning.

Ryan and Kelly were seated at one of the tables in the break room, while Jim leaned against the snack machine. Pam was content enough to tune them all out until she heard Kelly mention her name. 

“Anyway, you know who was totally flirting with Ben Franklin? Pam.”

Pam furrowed her eyebrows as she turned to face Kelly. Kelly considered that to be flirting?

Jim had heard the entire conversation the guy had with Pam. He knew she wasn’t actually interested in him, but still, he couldn’t resist the opportunity to mess with her a little. “Really? Looks like I hired the right guy.” He looked down at his Doritos. “I’m glad. Any real potential there, Beesly?”

Pam looked over at him. While she managed to plaster a smile on her face, inwardly, she was screaming.

**WHAT THE FUCK WAS HAPPENING?**

He had to be kidding.

_Right?_

There was no way that Jim hired someone with the intention of setting her up.

 _Right?_  

It was impossible. Jim wouldn’t do that.

On the other hand, Jim had done a lot of things lately that Pam would have sworn he’d never do. 

She was tired of pretending that everything was ok that it was perfectly fine to steamroll over her at every opportunity. If he believed that it was ‘just a kiss’, then so fucking be it. “Yeah. Right.” She looked down at her yogurt before she looked over at Kelly and Ryan. “God, I need a boyfriend.” When she heard Jim chuckle in response, something inside of her finally snapped. Yep. She had to move on. She glanced over at the couple as she started to walk toward the exit. “Um…you know, Ryan, I’m—I’m totally ready to be set up with one of your business school friends.” She turned back toward the doorway. “Whenever.”

She heard a faint “’kay” come from Ryan’s direction before she left. She wasn’t tempted in the slightest to turn around and take note of Jim’s reaction—if he even had one. She tried to convince herself that she didn’t care either way. She was fed up with this ridiculous melodrama. She was tired of pining over someone who had clearly moved on. It had taken her months to come to this conclusion, but as she wandered back toward her desk, she had finally made it: it was time to let Jim Halpert go.


	10. Hypothetically

It was just a cold.

Pam felt better by Wednesday morning. She knew that there was no way she could keep up the pretense of being under the weather long enough to skip the wedding.

It had been a weird week. Besides the usual weirdness she encountered on a daily basis, she found herself doing something she had never done before: she went out of her way to avoid Jim. Whenever he headed toward reception, she’d grab whatever paper was closest to her and walk toward the copier or pretend that she was sending a fax. One time, she practically sprinted toward the bathroom in order to get away from him.

After four unsuccessful attempts, Jim finally gave up.

He wasn’t entirely sure what he did to upset her. They seemed perfectly fine with one another on Friday. He wanted to believe that it was all in his head and she just didn’t feel well; however, when she seemed perfectly fine on Thursday, she continued to ignore him.

He couldn’t even manage to get a smile out of her after he successfully trained Dwight to reach for a mint after he heard the all too familiar ‘ding’ of his computer as it shut down.

On Thursday night, Karen told Jim about the conversation she had with Pam about the kiss they shared on Casino Night. While he was livid with Karen, he couldn’t quite understand why Pam would be upset with him about it. For all she knew, he and Karen were in a committed relationship. It only made sense that he’d disclose the fact that he kissed Pam once—well, twice. God. Did the first time even count? Pam was drunk and it only lasted for a half a second, if that. It probably didn’t matter to Pam, but he knew that the one they shared on Casino Night counted.

She couldn’t possibly be angry with him over what happened that night. If anything, he was the one who should be angry. They never once sat down and discussed what happened between them. She was the one who kissed him one minute—who begged him to stay in Scranton—to only shut him down and tell him moments later that she was going to marry someone else.

He wanted to confront her. He wanted to force her to tell him everything that was on her mind: both good and bad. Maybe if he knew how she really felt, he could finally begin a new chapter with Karen—one that didn’t include a tether from his heart to Pam’s.

The only issue now was that Pam refused to look at him, let alone actually speak to him. He knew having a conversation of that magnitude at work would be the worst idea imaginable, but what other choice did he have? It wasn’t as if they hung out or had any sort of contact with one another outside of work.

While he knew that it would be a horrible idea to have this conversation at Phyllis’s wedding, it was the lesser of two evils. Maybe if he could find somewhere private—somewhere that they wouldn’t be interrupted or surrounded by his co-workers and Bob and Phyllis’ family and friends—they could clear the air about everything.

Not being able to talk to her was driving him insane. 

Having strained conversations with her was even worse.

Part of him wished he could rewind the last nine months and take it all back. Had he known that his declaration would destroy their friendship, he would have gladly kept his mouth shut while she married the wrong guy.

He knew it was selfish to confront her at a wedding, but what other choice did he have? He knew she wouldn’t want to discuss it there, but Jim was tired of dancing around the subject.

What happened on Casino Night happened, whether she wanted to admit it or not, and now, before Jim could figure out anything else, he needed to know—for once and for all—why the hell she broke off her engagement to Roy.

* * *

As Pam walked into the foyer of the church, her gaze immediately fell to the floral arrangement perched next to the guest book. She merely shook her head before she picked up a pen and signed her name.

One reason why she wasn’t excited about the wedding was because she realized a few weeks ago that Phyllis had stolen several of the ideas she had for her ill-fated wedding to Roy.

The moment she saw the floral display, she knew she had stepped into the wedding she had all but planned but chose not to follow through.

She tensed up when she suddenly heard Jim’s voice behind her. She took a deep breath while she told herself to calm down. She had spent the better part of the morning reminding herself that she knew what she was getting into by going. She knew she was going to see Jim and Karen together. She knew she would see Roy. She knew she would be forced to endure whatever horrific jokes about marriage that someone—probably Michael—would make at her expense. 

She just didn’t think that she’d have to confront it so soon. She was there alone. She had no one to lean onto, no one who could possibly understand what she was going through at that moment.

Pam took one last glance at the flowers before made her way to the chapel.

It was too late to leave. At this point, she could only pray that she wouldn’t end up anywhere near the couple behind her.

She forced herself to smile as she walked down the aisle. Relief washed over her when she spotted Stanley and his wife, Teri, seated on the left side of the aisle. When she reached their row, she gestured to the small space between Stanley and the end of the pew. “Mind if I sit here?”

Teri smiled at Pam while Stanley merely grunted his agreement before he scooted over, giving Pam a little more space to sit down.

“Thanks,” she told the couple as she sat down.

Crisis averted. She found someone to sit with who wasn’t Roy, Jim, or Karen. Stanley was the office grouch, but Pam always had a soft spot for him, and today—of all days—she was thankful for the opportunity to sit next to someone who seemed just as thrilled as she was to be there.

She looked down as she read over the program. It wasn’t that she was particularly interested in which one of Phyllis’s cousins would sing and which one of Bob’s sisters would read 1st Corinthians. Pam just needed the distraction.

Jim’s smile faltered as he entered the chapel. There were a lot more people in attendance than he thought. Would it even be possible to get Pam alone in a crowd of this magnitude?

As he walked down the aisle, he felt Karen loop her arm through his. It felt weird to be there with the brunette, but they had agreed to go together months ago. He was nowhere close in figuring out what to do about their situation. Karen insisted that she could wait a little while longer, but he knew what her expectation was.

He just wasn’t sure he could give it to her.

Karen stopped a few rows short of where Pam sat and gestured to the pew on her right. Jim followed her lead and unbuttoned his suit jacket before he sat down. He could only see the side of Pam’s face, but from where he sat, he could tell that she looked positively radiant.

Dammit. What the hell was wrong with him? He was there with someone else. They weren’t exclusive, but they had been seeing one another for months and he knew exactly what Karen wanted from him.

How the hell did he end up in this situation?

When Karen nudged him, he looked down at the program in her hands. When she pointed out that the ‘a’ in Michael’s name was missing, Jim snorted. Michael had been bragging about being in the wedding for the last several weeks. Jim could only imagine the meltdown his boss would inevitably have when he discovered that his name was misspelled.

When he heard “The Wedding March” begin to play, Jim stood up along with the rest of the guests, but instead of focusing his attention toward the end of the aisle, he glanced back at Pam. Her gaze was focused on the entryway as Phyllis, Phyllis’s father, and Michael began their trek down the aisle, but for Jim, none of that mattered.

She was breathtaking.

Her hair was down and curled; however, she pinned two small sections of her hair behind her ears. Her makeup was light, but God, did it compliment the brilliant color of her eyes. Her sleeveless brown dress was modest, yet accentuated her form perfectly. He never really considered brown to be that sexy of a color, but the way it made her eyes green eyes shimmer immediately propelled Jim back nine months—to the night when he laid it all on the line.

He swallowed harshly before he forced himself to turn at look at the bride.

How was he going to be able to say what he needed to when she looked like that?

* * *

Pam mentally thanked Phyllis when she finally found her table. As she searched for her seat, she noticed that Roy would be seated across from her, but strangely enough, she didn’t mind. At least she wasn’t sat at the same table as Karen and Jim.

As she looked down at the white linen tablecloth, she wondered if it was possible for Jim and her to find their way back to the friendship they once shared. If they were friends again—hell, if they were simply on better terms with one another—she knew they’d have a blast at this wedding. She was certain that they’d end up theorizing why Kevin’s band, Scrantonicity, only played songs by The Police. They’d inevitably find some way to prank Dwight. They’d laugh at how ridiculous Michael was acting as he tried to steal the spotlight away from the happy couple.

Maybe they’d even share a dance or two.

Pam shifted in her seat as she pulled her shawl up over her shoulder.

Why was she allowing herself to think about any of that? They weren’t friends now. They weren’t anything.

Tears slowly filled her eyes as Kelly sat down next to her. “Are you all right?” She waited a beat. “This must be so awful for you.”

Pam looked up at her in complete bewilderment. Did Kelly know? “What do you mean?”

Kelly glanced at the table next to them before she looked back at Pam. “Well, this was supposed to be your wedding.”

Relief washed over Pam when she realized that Kelly was referring to Roy and her failed engagement, and not the fact that she was lamenting the loss of Jim Halpert from her life. “Oh…um…no…that’s um…it’s actually fine.” Even though Phyllis had stolen most of her ideas, Pam hadn’t spent a lot of time dwelling on what could have been. She knew she’d spend hours thinking about it later on, but for now, while she was still at the wedding, she wouldn’t dare allow herself to go down that road.

Kelly wasn’t about to let Pam dismiss her so easily. “There’s no way it’s fine. I’m sorry. If I was you, I would freak out and get really drunk then tell someone I was pregnant.”

Pam actually considered the first half of her suggestion. Getting completely smashed didn’t seem like a terrible idea. “Ok, that’s a lot of good ideas. Thanks.”

She waited until Kelly left before she looked back down at the glass of water in front of her. She was right. No one in the world would blame her if she had a couple of cocktails tonight.

Who knows? Maybe if she got drunk enough, she’d end up having a good time.

* * *

Pam had just polished off her first glass of wine when Roy moved to sit next to her.

_‘Oh God.’_

Even though she felt perfectly fine attending the wedding that would have been hers in a different lifetime, it didn’t mean that she felt prepared to speak to the former groom. Still, she hadn’t said a word to anyone in nearly twenty minutes. She had been stuck with a barrage of thoughts and memories that surrounded a certain curly haired salesman who sat a few feet away from her.

“Hey,” Roy smiled.

She definitely needed more alcohol. “Hey,” she slowly greeted.

Roy was determined to keep their conversation light. After all, he promised himself he would give Pam the time and space she needed in order to work out whatever doubts she had about them. He wanted her back—that much was certain—but he knew her better than anyone else did. He knew that the more you pushed her, the harder she resisted. He needed to show her that he wasn’t the same guy she dumped. He wasn’t the guy who got arrested. He had grown up, and was now ready for a mature, adult relationship. He only hoped that could have a second chance with her. “I know I don’t normally notice these kind of things, but…uh…this wedding’s really nice.”

Pam couldn’t keep the smile from her face. It was all she could do not to laugh because there was no possible way that he didn’t connect every single detail about this wedding to the one she planned for them.

Roy failed to notice Pam’s smirk as he continued: “I mean…the flowers and stuff. Phyllis has got great taste.”

Pam’s mouth nearly fell open as her smile vanished. He wasn’t joking? “You’re kidding me, right?”

“I know you probably aren’t going to remember this, but um…” He glanced at the centerpiece before he looked back at her. “Those color roses…I got you those color roses for our prom.”

She was going to have to spell it out for him, wasn’t she? “Roy. I picked those flowers. Phyllis just stole all of my ideas for our wedding.” It was the first time she came out and said it, and it felt good. It felt good to tell someone that everything they saw, ate, even heard—was everything Pam planned for her own wedding. Although she wasn’t the one who hired Scrantonicity—that was the one decision Roy had made—everything else, she claimed as her own. As happy as she was for Phyllis and Bob, it was more than a little fucked up that Phyllis stole all of her ideas. Granted, Pam wasn’t sure when (or even if) she’d ever plan another wedding, but still—she was only eight months removed from what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life. She finally had to admit to herself that it stung to see someone else use every single idea she had.

It took Roy a moment to realize that Pam was telling the truth. There were just too many coincidences. He chuckled. “I guess I wasn’t really too involved in the planning.” God. He had been such an ass. Pam had been right to break things off. The only thing he did was book Kevin’s band, and even then, it was merely a handshake agreement, nothing more.

“Yeah.”

He glanced at her. “Sorry about that.”

Pam’s gaze fell to the table. “It’s ok.”

“You think this sucks for you? I was the one who actually wanted to get married.”

Pam’s head snapped up as she looked at him. When he smiled at her, she smiled back at him. For some strange reason, she needed to hear that. She needed to know that she wasn’t the only one who cared. She needed to know that there wasn’t something wrong with her. She needed to know that even though she was the only one who planned the entire wedding, she wasn’t the only one who wanted to get married.

It didn’t mean much now. Pam knew she made the right decision when she broke it off with him, but hearing that he cared—that he actually wanted to marry her—comforted her. Roy was a good guy. They had a lot of great times together. It was just too hard in the end. They had grown into two completely different people. She didn’t know who he was anymore and he didn’t know who she was.

She didn’t even know who she was.

Maybe that was the problem. Maybe she needed to figure out who she was before she tried to figure out what she wanted.

Still, as Roy continued to smile at her, Pam realized that—even for the briefest of moments—she was glad she came to the wedding.

* * *

While her conversation with Roy comforted her, Pam still felt a desperate desire to get another glass of wine. As she made her way toward the bar, she realized that she must have stepped into an alternate universe. In this reality, she and Roy had managed to find common ground, while she and Jim seemed to be on two completely different planets.

By the time she reached the bar, she realized that the man she had spent the last few hours trying not to think about was there and, surprisingly, he was alone. Pam wasn’t sure if she should turn around, go back to her seat, and pretend that she didn’t see him, but something inside of her told her to stay. Maybe it was because her conversation with Roy went so well. Maybe it was because she finally found peace with that chapter of her life and now sought to find closure with this one.

Maybe there was something about weddings that brought people together and allowed them to hit the reset button and let go of the past. She wanted that with Jim. She wanted to let the past go so that she could finally move on from what happened that night last May.

Before she could make her mind up on what her best course of action would be, Jim noticed movement out of the corner of his eye and turned toward her. “Hey.” He had been unable to devise a plan in which he could get her alone, but as she gave him a small smile, he realized that this might be his only chance.

“Hey,” she greeted as happily as she could.

Jim smirked as an idea suddenly came to him. “When are we going to get to see some of those famous Beesly dance moves?” He leaned against the bar as he watched her eyes sparkle underneath the shimmering lights of the reception hall. When she laughed, his smile widened.

She couldn’t believe that after a week of not speaking to one another, he began their conversation by teasing her. It was a brilliant icebreaker, she’d give him that much. “I’m pacing myself.”

Jim cut his eyes to the dance floor before he looked back at her. “Come on. Get out there. Give the people what they want.”

She blushed at the very idea. She wished that there was some way she could control the way her body reacted to him, but after three years, she had given up on trying to figure it out. “No, I’m such a dorky dancer.”

Jim chuckled. “I know.” He pushed himself off of the bar as he turned away from her and toward the bar. “And it’s very cute.”

Pam was grateful that he turned his attention to the bartender because she was convinced that her cheeks were beet red while she grinned like a complete moron. What happened to forgetting all about Jim Halpert? What happened to moving on? _‘Come on, Beesly. Be strong. Walk away.’_

“You know,” he began as he turned back toward her, wine in hand. “How about we meet somewhere in the middle?”

She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. “What?”

“Dance with me.” It was a simple request, and Jim was impressed by how nonchalant he sounded. It had taken him almost two hours to summon the courage to utter those three words to her.

Pam stared at him for a moment. Was he being serious? “How is that meeting you in the middle?”

“We don’t have to do it out there.” He paused as he glanced at the crowded dance floor. He figured that about half of the guests were crammed into the tiny space. While there was some room to move around, Jim knew how self-conscious Pam was about her dancing abilities. He turned back toward her. “There’s a small classroom underneath the stage. I found it earlier when I was searching for the bathroom. You can still hear the music.” When her gaze fell to the ground, he could feel his one chance slip through his fingers. Was it too much to ask? “Please?”

There was something in the way he said ‘please’ that made Pam look up at him. She promised herself a week ago that she’d never be alone with him again, if she could help it. At that exact moment, she couldn’t really recall the reason why, other than the fact that she was furious with him; however, when she detected the hopeful look in his eyes, she knew she’d agree to his request.

Kevin’s band only played The Police. The odds of it being a slow song were slim to none, right?

* * *

If she hadn’t been behind Jim, who knew exactly where the room was, Pam would have never found it. It was down a long narrow corridor, sandwiched in between a few small offices. It was under the stage, but it definitely wasn’t the room where Kevin’s band stored their instrument cases or anything like that. It seemed completely undisturbed from—what Pam assumed were—services last Sunday.

It was dark, but not pitch black. The only light in the room came from the moon, whose light drifted through a small window on the back wall. She briefly considered finding a light switch, but realized that she’d much rather dance in the dark. That way, he would only see so much of her complete lack of coordination.

It was crazy. She never thought she’d end up in a church basement with Jim at Phyllis’s wedding, but here they were.

“Ok, Beesly. I’m going to make it count, so we’ll do the next song.”

She nodded. That seemed fair enough. “Fine, but you’re buying me a drink afterward…and we’re never talking about this again.”

He smirked. “We didn’t discuss either of those terms before.”

She shrugged. “That’s the price of admission. I don’t make the rules.”

“Fine.” He waited a beat. “Totally worth it.”

Only a few bars of “Message in a Bottle” remained. Jim was grateful, because if this was going to be his first and only dance with Pam, he definitely didn’t want it to be that song. He secretly hoped Kevin would miraculously acquire ESP and realize that his friend desperately wanted to hear “Fields of Gold” next.

Unfortunately for Jim, that wasn’t the next song; however, the song that played, while unfamiliar to the brunette, was a ballad. He made a mental note to give Kevin a high-five whenever he saw him next.

Pam glanced at Jim, who merely shrugged. “A deal is a deal,” he told her before he closed the space between them.

She placed one of her hands on his shoulder, while he placed a hand on her waist. As she went to place her other hand on his shoulder, he intercepted it, lacing her fingers with his own.

Pam swallowed as he took another step toward her, closing what little space remained between them. He lifted their joined hands and placed them on his chest as they began to sway to the beat of the song.

Neither said a word during the first verse. They were too afraid to. This was by far the closest they had been to one another since that night. Even when he caught her at Poor Richard’s, they disentangled themselves before they had much time to think about their proximity. This was different. This was intentional—and felt so much more intimate than being jammed into a cramped hallway at a crowded bar.

Pam closed her eyes as she swayed to the song. Everything ached. From head to toe, every single inch of her ached. She could feel her eyes sting with the tears she refused to shed. This moment was a complete contrast to the conversation she had with Roy. She had found peace with Roy. She had discovered a light at the end of a very long, tumultuous tunnel. Even though the classroom was completely quiet, save for the soft music that played overhead, she could feel the onset of the greatest battle of her life. Why was he doing this? Did he know what he was doing? Did he know that he was slowly destroying her?

Was this payback for her hesitation?

She opened her eyes as the chorus began. She could feel herself tremble as she leaned back to look up at Jim. She half-expected him to be staring at the door or somewhere around the room. Instead, she was surprised to discover that his gaze was completely focused on her.

They were five miles from the office and nine months removed from that night, but as they boldly met each other’s gazes, the time and distance between them melted. It was no longer a frigid February evening, but a mild May night. They weren’t hiding out in a small classroom in the basement of a church; they were standing in front of his old desk at the office.

This was the first time that they had truly been alone with one another since that night, and while Jim initially only had the best of intentions in mind, as he looked into the misty green eyes that haunted him night after night, talking was suddenly the very last thing on his mind.

Pam could feel herself being pulled back under the spell that captivated her that spring evening, but before she allowed herself to fall, she knew she needed some answers. She had been angry with him for so long. With every passing day, her resentment had grown stronger and stronger. She thought she reached her breaking point last week. She knew she needed to accept the fact that nothing was going to change between them. She thought that the events of last week had been enough motivation for her to close the Jim chapter of her life (even if she had a slew of unanswered questions), but as she refused to cower underneath the intensity of his stare, she knew that if she was ever going to ask about that night—and every night that followed—now was the time. _‘Speak now or forever hold your peace.’_ The minister’s words bounced through her mind as her fingers nervously twitched. Pam knew that if they stood a chance at ever getting past what happened, she’d have to ask him the one question she was petrified to hear the answer to. “Jim?”

Her voice was so soft that it nearly betrayed the confidence she felt as they continued to sway to “When We Dance”.

As his fingers involuntarily gripped her waist a little tighter at the sound, he felt her shiver. What seemed to be so natural a few seconds ago, now felt like the most terrifying sensation in the world. He swallowed. “Pam?”

Her bottom lip quivered and for a split second, she thought about abandoning her quest all together, but as she allowed herself a second to feel how perfectly right it felt to have his fingers wrapped around hers, she forced herself to push through. “I-I need to ask you something…a-and I need you to be honest with me.”

He nodded, even as a wave of panic overcame him. He had no idea what she was about to ask. He was scared that she’d confirm his absolute worst fear: that she and Roy had somehow found their way back to one another.

He wasn’t stupid. He had seen them together several times over the last few months. It had hurt to see them laughing together at Christmas and he noticed how friendly they seemed earlier—at a wedding of all places.

Even if they were back together, there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t tell her. As scared as he was that she’d break his heart again, he knew he hadn’t made any sort of progress in his pursuit to move on. Nine months later and his heart remained exactly where she left it in the office that night. And for some strange reason, it was still begging her to love him.

“A-And after you answer…after we leave this room…we won’t…I won’t ever ask you about it again.” She swallowed. She hated that she was stammering her way through this conversation, but at least the words were coming out. It was more than she had been able to do since he moved back. “I…um…” She could feel her legs quake as she heard the bridge of the song above them. It was nearly over. Their dance was rapidly coming to an end.

It was now or never.

She swallowed. When she spoke again, her voice was barely above a whisper, but Jim heard her loud and clear: “Why didn’t you call me back that night?”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this wasn't my finest effort. I was involved in a minor car accident a few days ago, so I've been a little distracted and I'm afraid it has affected this chapter. Also, the song may say "When We Dance" (thanks for only playing The Police, Scrantonicity), but I totally I had "The Night We Met" by Lord Huron on repeat while writing the end of this chapter and a good portion of the next.


	11. Realistically

_“Why didn’t you call me back that night?”_

While Jim heard every single word she whispered, he didn’t quite understand the question. Call her back? What night? He repeated the question once—twice—three times as he slowly furrowed his eyebrows together in complete and utter bewilderment.

When Pam noticed a wave of confusion wash over his features, she took a deep breath and decided to clarify what she meant. “I called you…maybe five minutes after…after you left that night. I-I left you this embarrassingly long voicemail about how I—“ When his frown lines deepened, she sighed in frustration as her gaze fell toward the ground. In the midst of all this, they still swayed to the beat of the song. She couldn’t help but to recall the time when she told Jim that swaying wasn’t dancing.

“It…it doesn’t matter what I said, I guess. The point is that…I called you…a couple of times, actually. I even…I even tried to text you…” As silence filled the room, she forced herself to look back up at him. “And you never…responded…not even once and I…I just…why?” She swallowed. Maybe she was being too confrontational, but it took her months to get to this point. Even though she wasn’t sure if she was making any sense, at least she found the strength to confront him. “I mean…I figured that you didn’t answer later because you had…you met Karen, but um…the first time…when I left you that voicemail that night…I um…Jim, why didn’t you call me back?”

Jim blinked several times as he tried to figure out what the hell she was saying. She called? She texted? There was a voicemail somewhere? She left a voicemail that night? He searched his brain, but came up empty. He never received a voicemail or text or remembered seeing a missed call from her. “Pam, I don’t…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The right side of her mouth twitched before it slowly curled up in a sardonic half-smile that screamed out that she didn’t believe him. “Come on…please be honest with me. This is the only time I’ll ever…I won’t bring it up ever again. I just…I feel like…like maybe you owe me at least that much.”

Jim’s eyes widened. This wasn’t some sort of sick prank to get back at him for Ben Franklin or the Andy thing, was it? She actually called him that night? “Pam, honestly, I don’t know what you’re…” His words slowly trailed off as the remnants of that night slowly came back to him. “My phone,” he finally groaned as he winced.

It was Pam’s turn to frown. _‘Yeah, your phone. What the hell did you think I was talking about?’_ “Yeah. I called _your_ phone. I texted _your_ phone. I left you a voicemail…on _your_ phone.” What part of this was he not understanding?

Jim chewed on his bottom lip as he slowly shook his head. Pam called him that night. She left a voicemail that he’d happily give his right arm to listen to. He had been struggling over the events of that evening for the last nine months when the answer—the peace he desperately sought—resided in his fucking cell phone. He scoffed as his gaze ticked up to the ceiling. “I lost it.”

She had imagined about a dozen different reactions. She expected him to give her some long soliloquy about how he never called her back because it was too difficult, too complicated, and he had already accepted the position in Stamford. She was prepared for him to tell her that they weren’t really that compatible and that he never was actually in love with her. After her conversation with Karen the previous week, Pam more than expected him to completely write the entire night off as something less than what it actually was. She figured that he’d remind her that he was in a committed relationship with someone else—a fact that she definitely didn’t need to be reminded of. She never once considered that he might have never gotten the message. “What?”

“My phone.” She not only tried to contact him while he was in Stamford, but she also tried to call him that very night? While he still reeled from this bit of information, he knew he needed to explain what happened after he left—or at the very least—what he had managed to piece together. “After I left the office that night, I went home and began to pack. It was almost 3:00, but after packing a few boxes, I decided to call Jan to see if my transfer could be pushed up. The last thing I wanted was to walk in Monday morning and see…” He let his sentence hang in the air between them. She knew what he didn’t want to see. He didn’t need to say it. “Even though it was three in the morning, I knew she was probably still up because she told me that she was driving back to New York that night. I was still a little…out of it, so it made perfect sense to call her at that moment and get everything settled right then and there. I went to grab my phone and realized that it wasn’t in my pocket. I…I ended up searching the entire house for it. I even went back to the office and searched my desk.”

He shook his head. “It wasn’t there, so I went down to the warehouse because I noticed on my way back in that the bartenders and caterers were still loading everything up. Kevin was still at one of the tables, so I asked him to help me look for it, but no one saw it or heard anything about anyone finding a phone. After looking for nearly two hours, I decided to go back home…try to get some sleep and just…regroup in the morning.”

He couldn’t tell by the contemplative look on her face whether or not she believed anything he said. He knew he would have a hard time believing it had it not happened to him. When she didn’t respond, he continued. “I think I slept for maybe an hour or two, then I searched the entire house again…I even grabbed Mark’s phone and tried to call it, thinking that if someone else had it, maybe they’d answer and I could meet them to get it, but…nothing.” Nine months later and he still had no idea where it went. “After…I…I thought it was a sign…that maybe I should start over…so later that day, I broke my phone contract and got a new phone. It was a lot cheaper to get out of the contract than to buy a new phone outright and keep my old number.”

Pam blinked several times as his story sank in. It seemed so far-fetched, but it was something that could easily be fact-checked. He even said that Kevin was there. This entire time she thought he had rejected her over and over again, when in reality, he never got a single message. “You have a new phone number.”

He slowly nodded. “It’s not that new anymore, but…yeah…it’s different from the one I had…before.”

“And…and I never knew.”

He shook his head. How many times had he thought about calling her? If he had allowed himself one moment of weakness, the entire ordeal might have been settled months ago. “I guess you didn’t have a reason…and I thought that you…that you wanted me to…um…Toby had it…Michael and Kevin too.”

Her legs felt like lead. “Kevin,” she weakly asked.

As they continued to sway, despite the fact that the band had apparently taken a small break, Jim noticed how lachrymose she seemed. He was more than a little overwhelmed by their conversation. He could only imagine what was running through her mind at that moment. “Yeah,” he gave her a small smile. “Fantasy football…remember when I…when you picked up the phone at the office that night?”

Right. Pam had completely forgotten about that. It was the one conversation they had while he lived in Stamford. “You have a new phone number.”

He nodded. His gaze slowly drifted to where their hands remained clasped together. He lightly rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb before he looked back into her eyes. “Now, can I ask you a question?”

Pam felt her stomach drop at his question. The sensation of his thumb against the back of her hand sent a shiver down her spine. She was petrified by the sheer amount of emotion that flowed through her veins. It was too much to take all at once, but this conversation had been nine months in the making. He answered her question. She knew exactly what he was going to ask, but was terrified to tell him the truth. Still, she owed him that much, right?

His chest tightened. “What was in the voicemail you left that night?”

“I…um…” She had only consumed one glass of wine, but she could have sworn that the room had started to spin. She closed her eyes before she shook her head. “It doesn’t really matter now.”

“Please,” he softly pleaded. “We won’t ever have to talk about it again and it won’t leave this room if that’s what you want, but please tell me.” For the sake of his own sanity, he had to know. At that moment, he was willing to do just about anything to find out.

_What happened to that fucking phone?_

They stopped swaying to the silence between them, but even as the band began to play “Brand New Day”, Jim kept his hand on her hip, while Pam’s hand lingered on his shoulder. Their fingers were still intertwined, but instead of holding onto one another in the cordial manner with which they began, they now seemed to grasp at one another, both petrified to let go out of fear that they would only drift further away from one another.

Pam could feel a traitorous tear slip out of the corner of her right eye as she thought back to that night and the terror she felt while she waited for him to answer a call he would never receive. Over the course of the last nine months, she forced herself to relive that moment over and over again in order to punish herself for not speaking up when she had the chance.

Now was the time. Now was her chance to tell him everything she confessed into his work phone while she braced herself against his desk. “I…I begged you to call me back…to…to come back to the office because I…I wasn’t going to leave until y-you…” Her voice trembled and she was certain that if he let go of her at that very moment, she’d sink to the floor, but she managed to continue. “Um…I-I told you that…that I was scared that it…that I had been with…that nine years was a long time to just…um…” She could feel her throat closing up on her. Was this actually happening right now? “I…um…I asked for a little time…to…to figure out how…to…um…how I was going…to um…” She knew she wasn’t making any sense, so she simply shook her head. “I don’t…it was a rush of thoughts and words, Jim. I don’t…” She swallowed.

She knew he didn’t need to know every word she said. He only needed to know the gist of it. “Basically…I told you how I felt…about you…about Roy. I asked for a little time to…to figure it out because…because I felt like I owed that much to…to myself…and to you…and to him.” She slowly looked up at him despite the fact that tears swam in her eyes. She didn’t care about hiding her emotions anymore. She was tired of fighting them all the time. “I was so scared that night, Jim, because…because before then, it was so easy to ignore it. Even though Michael told me that you…” She closed her eyes. She could still remember how she felt when Michael told her that Jim’s crush on her wasn’t something he got over years ago. Even at the time, she felt the road in front of her split into two different directions. “I still told myself that whatever…that it was just some silly little attraction…a crush that you would…that you had…that it just happened because we were such good friends.” She shuddered when his grip on her hip tightened. “A-And that night, I just…I couldn’t run anymore.” She waited a beat. “You wouldn’t let me.”

It was a lot to take in all at once. He wasn’t sure where it would have led them. He wasn’t sure if they would have been together at that very moment had he stayed or not lost his phone. At that moment, Jim was only sure of one thing: he was exactly where he wanted to be. “Pam, I—“

He was at a complete loss. It was too much to take in all at once. Had one thing gone right that night, his entire life would be completely different. As Pam looked up at him, he realized that nothing he could say would make up for the last nine months of miscommunication between them. Before he could second-guess himself, he did the one thing he knew he shouldn’t: he lowered his head and captured her lips with his.

Pam wrapped both of her arms around his neck, while he lowered his other hand to her waist. It wasn’t an act of desperation and it wasn’t nearly as passionate as their heated exchange back in May. This kiss was slower, more methodical and much more emphatic. It was a punctuation mark, a closing argument he couldn’t even begin to articulate. That night changed both of their lives. Their miscommunication had ripped them apart for the last nine months, but as he began to move his lips against hers, he silently vowed to make it all up to her.

Pam wanted to cling to this moment. She wanted to lock the door and live out the rest of her days in that tiny classroom underneath the reception hall of the First Methodist Church in Scranton, Pennsylvania. She wanted it more than anything else at that moment because he was there with her. In this space, in this one beautiful moment, there was no confusion, no hesitation—nothing that could possibly separate them. 

The last nine months didn’t exist.

She was exactly where she wanted to be.

As the band above them began a rendition of “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic”, the couple—who continued to lament their loss by consoling themselves in one another—heard an all too familiar voice belt out the lyrics to the classic song.

Pam’s eyes snapped open when she heard it. She swallowed as her gaze drifted up towards the ceiling as panic filled her. She pressed her palms against Jim’s shoulders as she nudged him away from her. She took two steps back before she spun away from him and covered her mouth with her hand. A tidal wave of regret and mortification overwhelmed her.

This wasn’t nine months ago.

This was now.

And now, Jim had a girlfriend. A girlfriend who, Pam assumed, was pretty intoxicated as she screamed out the lyrics of the song. She winced as she closed her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she apologized before she wrapped her arms around herself. She couldn’t remember who started it, not that it mattered. They were both at fault for what just happened and she needed him to know that she never intended for any of it to happen. “Jim, I’m…I’m sorry.”

“Pam, it’s ok. I was the one who…it’s not your fault.” He ran his fingers through his hair. He knew what had to be going through her mind. It was the same thing that ran through his after he left the office that night. As badly as he wanted to tell her how he felt, as good as it felt to actually show her, he felt incredibly guilty about the fact that he initiated it. He was the one who encouraged her to cheat on her fiancé.   As badly as he wanted things to change between them, he hated that he put her in that kind of position. And now, as he watched the embarrassment reach her eyes, he knew that it was time to make a confession of his own. “Seriously. It’s ok.”

“How,” she nearly shrieked as tears brimmed in her eyes. “In what universe is this ok?”

Jim sighed. “In the one where…where Karen and I aren’t…monogamous.”

“W-What?”

Jim leaned against the table behind him before he placed his hands on either side of it as he forced himself not to reach for her. He never anticipated having this conversation tonight, but after everything else they shared, he knew he had to lay all of the cards on the table. “Karen and I aren’t…exclusive.”

Pam frowned. That didn’t make any sense. “But you two have been…you’ve been together for…for months.”

He slowly nodded. “We began dating shortly after I…um…when I moved back.”

It took a moment for that bit of news to hit her. She knew they hadn’t been together long before he came back, but they weren’t dating while they still lived in Stamford? “After you…h-how long after…um…weren’t you together when…your first day back you said…um…”

He sighed as his gaze fell to the ground. “We hung out a few times before…before we moved, but um…my first day back, I thought I was…I thought I was ready to see you…to face…everything that happened, but—and I don’t even know if you remember this—but Roy came in that morning…and I…I lost it, Pam.” He gripped the edge of the table a little tighter as he thought back to that morning and the feeling of nausea that overpowered him the moment he heard them laughing together. “It was like I never left. I went right back to that night. And I…we had only spoken once since then and it just…I needed to go home after…and then I met Karen for lunch and we…came to an agreement.”

Pam looked down at her feet while he spoke. She could recall every single detail of his first day back. She had been so excited to see him. She hoped that they could clear the air, maybe even start over. She wanted to hear all about Stamford and everything that happened over the last four months. She wanted to tell him everything he missed and exactly how much she missed him. Her hopes were so high that morning, but as clearly as she remembered the exhilaration of hugging him the moment she saw him, she also remembered plunging into a bucket of ice water the moment he told her he was dating someone else. “So…so seeing me made you want to…see Karen.”

He shook his head. “No, that’s not…Pam, I was petrified. I never thought that I would…react that way if I saw you and Roy together again…and it scared me. So…I did what you did. I ran away from it. Karen and I are…seeing one another…but it’s not a…we’re not in a relationship or anything like that.”

“So, its just sex then?” Pam didn’t care how blunt the question was. Everything she thought she knew about the last nine months had been wrong and now to hear that Jim and Karen weren’t actually together pushed her over the edge. On the one hand, she was relieved that he wasn’t in a committed relationship, but at the same time, it sounded like he had hid behind the pretense of a monogamous relationship in order to ‘get back’ at her for what happened that night.

Oh God. When her stomach did a somersault, she prayed that the room would stop spinning.

“No, it’s not just…” he sighed. He was doing a horrible job at explaining the parameters of his pseudo-relationship with Karen. “We go out on dates and all of that. We’re just…free to see other people…if we want to.”

Pam slowly nodded. “Oh…so like an open relationship?”

He wouldn’t have exactly called it that, but it was a lot closer than the alternative. “Kind of.”

“And this…relationship…began your first day back…a few hours after you saw me.”

He slowly nodded. “I wasn’t sure what I was walking back into. And when I saw Roy and you together, I—“

“No, I got that part,” she interrupted. She could feel her confusion slow melt away as a new emotion took control of her: fury. “What the hell are you doing?”

He frowned. “What?”

“What the hell are you doing?” She repeated. “Because after hearing all of that, it just…it feels like you’re playing both sides here and I don’t…I can’t…that’s not the Jim I know.” Maybe it was too harsh. Maybe she should give him more time to explain the situation, but she wasn’t sure what else he could say about it. It seemed simple enough: he had all of the perks of being in a relationship with someone while still keeping his options open. Was that what she was? Was that what this was? Was she nothing more than an option?

Jim knew he had done a shitty job at explaining everything to her, but did she really believe that he was trying to do something underhanded? “Both sides? Pam, what are you talking about?”

“You told Karen about Casino Night, right? You told her that it…that what happened between us wasn’t a big deal. You told her that you’ve moved on, and that it was…that it was just a kiss.” She swallowed. “You told me last week that you stayed up every night that week discussing your relationship…and I’m sticking with that term because that’s what it is…you stayed up every night talking about your relationship with her, but now…right now, you’re honestly trying to tell me that it’s not an actual relationship? I mean…I’ve got to admit that I’m a little confused here, Jim. Which is it? Are you just…are you trying to pit us against one another?”

His eyes widened. How could she even think that? “What? No. Pam, I would never do that to—“ 

“To who? To me? Or to her? Because Jim, you’re doing it right now!” She pointed up as Karen continued to belt out the lyrics to the song. “She has no idea we’re down here right now. You brought her to this wedding. You’ve been…” she swallowed. “You’ve been fucking her for months and you’re trying to tell me that it’s no big deal?” She waited a beat. “You know, maybe I’d believe you if you were Ryan or Meredith or God even…even Todd Packer, but the Jim I know…the Jim that I…the Jim that was here before…before Stamford… _that_ Jim…he’d never be able to do it. He’d never screw with someone’s emotions like that. You can tell me that it’s casual all you want to, but I see the way she looks at you. She’s in love with you. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.”

When he tried to take a step closer to her, she took a step back. “Don’t,” she warned him. “You know…I can believe the story about your phone. I can and I do, but here’s the thing with phones: they work both ways. If you really wanted to…fix things or God just…check up on me…you could have. My number hasn’t changed. It’s been the same the entire time. You left and only once…by sheer accident…did I hear from you the entire time you were gone. And while that hurts, this…what you just told me…God…it’s so much worse because now I know that the guy standing in front of me isn’t the same Jim who helped me get a care package together for Kevin or sang ‘Islands in the Stream’ with Michael in order to make him feel welcomed at your party. That’s the Jim I know. That’s the real Jim Halpert.” She waited a beat. “And I really miss him.” She looked down at the ground for a moment before she walked towards the door.

“Pam. Please,” he begged from behind her. He couldn’t let her walk away, not like this, now when they were on the cusp of unraveling the last nine months.

Pam turned back toward him. She couldn’t believe how calm she felt, despite everything that had just transpired between them. She was tired of fighting for something that, perhaps, was never real to begin with. “You should get back upstairs. I’m sure she’s wondering where you are.”

* * *

Pam could feel herself slowly suffocate as the night dragged on. It felt a lot like that night in the warehouse, only this time, she wasn’t being forced to choose between the life she knew and something completely new: she was struggling with the realization that the Jim she once knew was gone.

The guy named Jim Halpert who worked at Dunder Mifflin Scranton was now a stranger to her. She refused to believe that he didn’t know how Karen really felt about him. How was it possible that they had stayed up late every night for several nights discussing their relationship and he didn’t realize that she wasn’t just in it for the sex? 

Pam cringed just thinking about the entire situation. She wasn’t sure what her next move was. She wasn’t sure what to think—let alone what to believe.

Couldn’t she go home now?

She took a deep breath before reached for her wine glass and downed the remaining contents. She told herself she’d stay until Bob and Phyllis left. She wasn’t sure when the couple would make their grand exit, but for the sake of her own sanity, Pam hoped that it would be sooner rather than later. She winced when she heard the opening bars of “Fields of Gold”. It was one of the few songs by The Police that she actually liked.

She wanted to forget the entire conversation with Jim, but as her gaze wandered over the various couples on the dance floor, her gaze fell to them—and for some strange reason, she couldn’t seem to look away.

Jim had barely said two words since he emerged from the classroom and re-appeared at the reception. Karen asked him where he went. When he mumbled something about Dwight, she proudly proclaimed that he missed a once in a lifetime opportunity to see her perform with the band. He gave her a half smile—it was all he could muster—and offered an apology before he returned to the bar and bought them a few drinks. Karen quickly consumed hers, while Jim stared at his glass of wine for a long moment before he finally took a sip.

It didn’t take long for him to finish it. The moment he sat the empty glass down, Karen had all but dragged him to the dance floor. He quickly confessed that he wasn’t the best dancer, but as he heard the opening chords of “Fields of Gold”, he knew he could handle the pace of the song. As he looked down at the expectant gaze of his pseudo-girlfriend, Pam’s words rang through his mind.

She was right.

He wasn’t the same guy who left Scranton nine months ago. Too much had happened. At some point, he had constructed a wall around his heart. While it was practical and a natural reaction to having his heart broken, it had prevented him from experiencing anything real—anything that could potentially put himself at emotional risk. Karen had laid it all on the line. She wanted to be with him. She knew what he had turned into and yet, she still wanted to be with him. That had to count for something, right?

As he gazed into her eyes, he wondered if he had ever really given her a chance. He knew he had fun with her. He knew he liked her. He enjoyed her company, but was that enough to push him into giving his heart to her?

Just as he was about to open himself up to that consideration, something told him to look up. The moment he did, his gaze landed on the one woman he couldn’t seem to forget—no matter how hard he tried. He had been subconsciously self-sabotaging any chance he could have had with Pam this entire time, but only realized it about fifteen minutes ago when she told him that the man he was now wasn’t the same man who left.

As he watched Pam stand up and move toward the exit, he knew exactly what he had to do.

Pam finally turned away from the couple as she tried to escape. She needed some space. She needed air. She needed to figure out her next move.

Even though she knew that guy wasn’t her Jim, it still hurt to see him swaying with someone else.

She was pleasantly surprised to discover a small balcony next to the reception hall. The frigid February evening offered her the cold air she needed in order to jolt her senses back into place. As she rubbed her forehead, she closed her eyes and forced herself not to cry.

Jim was gone.

He left that May evening and never came back.

She wasn’t sure if he ever would.

* * *

 When Pam re-entered the reception hall, she went to the bar to get her third and final glass of wine. If she was going to force herself to stay until Bob and Phyllis left, she needed something to help her take the edge off. She wasn’t about to call attention to herself. After all, it was Bob and Phyllis’s day—not hers.

She wished she could put every single person in that room between herself and Jim for the remainder of the evening.

She had barely taken a sip of her Pinot Grigio before she heard the opening notes of a song she knew wasn’t part of The Police’s discography.

“Hey.”

She spun around and—perhaps for the first time since their break-up—was relieved to find Roy standing behind her.

He gave her a small smile. “They’re playing our song, huh?”

Pam nodded as she glanced back at the band. “Yeah, that’s weird,” she began before she turned to face her ex-fiancé once more. She looked down at her wine glass. “I thought they only played The Police.”

Roy chuckled softly as his gaze fell to his feet. “I know. I…uh…I gave them twenty bucks.”

Pam cut her eyes from her glass to his face. _‘What?’_ She was too surprised—too flustered—to say anything. Never, in the history of their relationship, had he ever done anything like that. He wouldn’t give her a quarter to play their song on the jukebox when they went to Poor Richard’s, but he gave Kevin $20 to play it tonight—at Phyllis’s wedding?

Roy could tell that he caught her off guard. He hoped it was the right move. He knew it had to have been the most romantic thing he had done for her in the last few years. Jesus. He really had been an ass to her. “You want to dance?” 

Pam gave him a small smile before she nodded. She sat her drink down before she reached for his offered hand.

He led her over to the front corner of the dance floor. Since there were a number of other couples on the floor, no one seemed to take notice of them. Pam didn’t mind slow dancing in front of everyone. It was the fast paced stuff that made her insecure. She didn’t realize she had been holding her breath until she felt Roy’s arm snake around her waist. She watched as his hand covered hers. She finally exhaled as she closed her eyes and listened to Kevin sing.

It was the first time in the last hour that she didn’t think about Jim.

Jim and Karen swayed to the song on the other side of the dance floor, but unfortunately, Jim’s height offered him a perfect view of the pair. They were just as close to one another as he was with Karen, but Jim couldn’t help but to feel a pang of jealousy as he watched Pam close her eyes. She seemed relaxed—much more relaxed than she was when they danced downstairs.

He looked back down at Karen. Now wasn’t the time and it certainly wasn’t the place.

* * *

Pam wasn’t going to participate. She knew she was single and thus, was eligible to stand amongst a throng of single women and attempt to catch the bouquet, but she was not about to actually do it. She knew that would only give the others another reason to gossip about her, but before she could say a word, Kelly had pulled her out of the chair and toward the floor, leaving a chuckling Roy behind to watch.

Pam stood in front, but managed to escape to the edge of the crowd. She told herself she wasn’t even going to pretend to reach for it. As she glanced at all of the women around her, she noticed that Karen stood somewhere in the middle of the cluster, right next to Ryan and Kelly. Pam thought it was strange that Ryan was there, but it wasn’t until Phyllis tossed the flowers that Pam realized why. 

Just as Kelly was about to catch the bouquet, Ryan quickly batted it away—right into Pam’s unwilling and unwaiting arms.

She was horrified as she slowly looked down at the flowers she held. As the women around her congratulated her, she wanted the earth to open up and swallow her whole.

It didn’t mean anything. She knew that. She wasn’t getting married anytime soon. Hell, she wasn’t even dating anyone. As she looked up, she noticed how Roy grinned as he clapped for her. Her gaze slowly shifted to the table behind Roy, where Jim sat somberly. Pam chewed on her bottom lip while he slowly lifted his head and looked at her.

She quickly looked back down at the flowers.

What a night.


	12. The Prettiest Art of All the Art

Pam called out sick the following Monday and Tuesday. Between Jim, Roy, and the whole bouquet fiasco, she wasn’t mentally prepared to discuss anything about Phyllis’s wedding. She needed a break from everything and everyone for a few days, so she decided to escape to her parents’ lake house on Lake Wallenpaupack. She expected to get half a dozen calls from Michael and Dwight on Monday about where she was, but she when she first called Michael to tell him that she wouldn’t be there, he merely told her to feel better.

She spent the majority of the weekend drawing. She didn’t want to think. She didn’t want to face the aftermath of the wedding. She simply wanted to escape. 

On Monday, she spent the entire day on the dock with her sketchbook. It was cold, but wasn’t nearly as unbearable as it normally was in February. She sat on the dock for hours, pencil in hand, feverously drawing, then erasing, and finally, shading the image that had captivated her for the better part of seven hours. It was nearly 4:00 before she stopped and looked at the image before her.

The drawing wasn’t of the peaceful scenery that surrounded her. It wasn’t of her family or anything she’d ever submit as a project in any of her classes. It wasn’t still life: the medium she focused on in her classes this semester.

No, the image was completely pulled from memory, one she hadn’t thought about in a long time: a frigid January night on board a booze cruise on the very lake in front of her. It wasn’t of Michael strapped to the brig or Dwight attempting to steer the ship using the faux captain’s wheel. It wasn’t the memory of Roy announcing their wedding date or even the guy who jumped overboard as a result of Michael’s antics. 

It was of Jim.

It was the moment they decided to take a break from the boisterous crowd and explore the open-air deck. It was freezing and their conversation—if you could even call it that—only lasted a few short minutes, but in the midst of their silence, he gave her a look, a look which she buried the moment Roy announced their wedding date. It was a look she wouldn’t allow herself to remember until today.

She knew he wanted to say something at the time. When he had been unable to form the words, she knew that it would have completely turned her world upside down. She unflinchingly met his gaze because, despite the fact that she had long since denied the attraction she felt to him, she secretly hoped that he would have said something—to confirm her suspicions. As much as it scared her, at that moment—when it felt as if he was staring right into her soul—she silently pleaded for him to confess how he felt.

But he didn’t.

He didn’t say anything until four months later.

It had been a year since that eventful night on Lake Wallenpaupack and now, she was forced to face the reality she discovered in that cramped classroom: the Jim who left was not the Jim who came back.

Then again, she wasn’t the same Pam. She had changed over the last several months. She was now enrolled in a couple of art classes. She was now a single woman, living on her own for the first time in her life. She was still a receptionist at a paper company, but the changes she had made in her personal life were significant in their own right.

She realized just how much she had grown when Roy suggested he take her home the night of the wedding. Pam knew exactly what he meant by his seemingly innocent suggestion. What he had done for her that night was nice, but she wasn’t ready to dive back into a relationship with him. She still wasn’t completely convinced that he had changed. She didn’t want to be so pessimistic about it, but he had done it before. She broke up with him about a year into their relationship because of the way he treated her. About a month later, he told her that he had grown and realized how much she meant to him, but a few weeks after they got back together, he was back to being the same old Roy.

Maybe all three of them had changed? Maybe with that change, she and Jim simply became unsuited for one another, while she and Roy seemed more compatible than ever?

She sighed.

It shouldn’t be this damn hard.

Was it her? Was she the problem? Maybe the loss of Jim’s phone had been a sign all along? It took them nine months to lower their defenses long enough to piece together the events of that night. That wasn’t normal and it certainly wasn’t healthy. She knew that their communication skills had been virtually non-existent since that night, and while she wanted to blame it all on Jim, she couldn’t.

She groaned as she flipped to the next blank page. There was nothing she could do about the situation. She said everything she had to say and she had gotten the closure she needed, although, as she frantically began to outline the slight ripple in the water in front of her, she refused to admit that it wasn’t the closure she wanted.

Because, as it turned out, she didn’t want closure.

* * *

Aside from her Monday and Tuesday morning phone calls to Michael to let him know she’d be out of the office, Pam refused to answer her phone. She knew she had a few missed calls from Roy and her best friend, Isabel, but she had no desire to call either of them back. 

She didn’t even attempt to call them back before she walked into the office that Wednesday morning. She didn’t have time to update Isabel on the soap opera that was her life and Roy—well, she wasn’t sure what to say. Besides, she concluded as she hung up a flyer in the break room, her class had an art exhibit that night. The only thing she wanted to focus on was preparing herself for that.

As she stepped back, she bit her bottom lip.

Everything else, she could deal with later.

She crossed her arms as she made her way back to her desk. She had told several people—including Jim—about the event weeks ago. Several of them told her that they’d come, but that didn’t mean they’d go. She hoped that the flyer would remind everyone that it was tonight, but then again, perhaps a verbal reminder would inspire them to actually show up.

By the time she reached her desk, her co-workers began to file in. A few mumbled a ‘good morning’ to her as they walked by her desk, but most simply hung their head as they lamented the fact that it was only Wednesday.

By the time Jim came in around 8:15, she was in the middle of going through the dozen or so emails she missed in the last two days. If she was lucky, she’d only have a few voicemails, but the last time she took a day off, she ended up with about twenty voicemails to sift through.

He didn’t greet her when he entered the office, and she didn’t look up from her monitor. Her focus was solely on getting through the workday and surviving her first art show.

It was only minutes later when Roy wandered into the office, a grin plastered across his face. “Welcome back,” he greeted as he strolled toward her desk. He lowered his voice when he finally reached her. “How was the lake?”

Pam nodded. She figured that he probably called her mom when she didn’t answer her phone, and that her mom told him where she went. “It was good,” Pam responded softly. “Sorry I didn’t call you back. I just,” she sighed, “needed to get out of my head for a little while.”

He nodded and Pam was surprised that he didn’t seem upset that she hadn’t called him back. It easily would have caused a major argument between them a year ago. “It’s ok.” He leaned over her desk. “I can’t wait for your art show tonight.”

He remembered? “Ok. Just so you know, it’s just the students from my class in a little studio.” It wasn’t a big deal at all. It wasn’t like there would be hundreds of people there or anything. It was just a way for the students to gain experience in that kind of environment.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

God. Where was this kind of support when they were together? Hearing him tell her that he wouldn’t miss her show meant more to Pam than she thought it would. She gave him a small smile. “Thanks.”

“I’ll see you tonight.”

Jim pretended to yawn as he listened to their entire exchange. He couldn’t help it. The office was unusually quiet with Michael gone for the day, so it wasn’t as if he was trying to eavesdrop on their conversation. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure if he was still invited to her show or not. After the way they left things at the wedding, he wasn’t convinced that she wouldn’t kick him out if he just showed up. He wasn’t sure where she was at on Monday and Tuesday, but he knew for sure she wasn’t sick.

Maybe she needed to get away?

Maybe she needed to get away from him.

Maybe going to that art show would be the worst idea he ever had.

He glanced over at Karen. She seemed tense, much more tense than he had ever seen her before. Pam had been right about everything. The situation he was in—being in an open relationship—wasn’t something he’d even consider a year ago. She was also right about the fact that Karen had very real feelings for him. It was something he tried to deny—even ignore—but after telling him that she wanted more from him, he knew it’d only be a matter of time before he was forced to make a decision. He could see himself being perfectly content with Karen, but would he be satisfied with that?

When Karen looked up at him and gave him a small smile, Jim gave her one in return.

* * *

There was a bat in the office.

Pam’s plan to have a relatively stress-free day—thanks to Michael spending the entire day at Ryan’s business school—went completely haywire when Dwight discovered a bat hiding in one of the ceiling tiles. The moment Dwight discovered the creature, it flew into the office. Pam, who had been working on a sketch of a tape dispenser, shot out of her seat and hid behind the coat rack until Dwight eventually corralled the bat into the conference room.

When Jim announced that animal control wouldn’t be there until 6:00, she knew Dwight wouldn’t wait that long. She would have easily bet $100 that the bat would end up escaping the conference room long before then.

She spent the majority of the day shifting between her receptionist duties and sketching random objects on her desk. The few times she got up, she’d run into someone and casually remind them about her show that night.

By the time 5:00 rolled around, she was fairly certain that she had spoken to everyone but Jim and Karen. It wasn’t like she didn’t want them to come. She was just unsure how to act around them after everything that happened at Phyllis’s wedding. Her refusal to think about anything other than her art show had helped the day go by a little faster than it normally would have, but still, she wasn’t feeling brave enough to rock the boat by reminding them about the show.

Especially because she knew Roy would be there.

And the last thing she wanted was to tempt fate by having all three of them there at once.

Not that she truly believed anything would happen if they all showed up. Karen had barely acknowledged her presence the entire day, so Pam figured that Jim hadn’t told Karen about their little indiscretion in the classroom. Then again, why would he? They had an open relationship and technically he was allowed to kiss (or do whatever to) anyone he wanted to.

Pam knew that sort of arrangement worked for some people, but she knew Jim. She knew he’d never feel completely comfortable in a relationship like that. Well, at least she thought he wouldn’t. She knew she had been too harsh with him, but as she left the office, she figured she could apologize to him tomorrow. After all, his relationship was none of her business.

* * *

Pam had spent the better part of the first hour of the show by herself. She’d occasionally rearrange her pieces in an attempt to figure out the best way to present them. At least, that’s what she told herself. Truthfully, she had never felt more awkward and out of place in her life. A lot of her classmates had visitors who seemed excited about their work, but within that first hour, the only person who came to her little corner was an elderly woman whom, Pam was convinced, only stopped by her display out of pity.

After a few minutes of small talk, the woman wandered away. Pam stared at one particular watercolor a stapler. “I still need my break through or…whatever,” she mumbled. As Pam continued to stare at the wall, she knew something was missing. Her immediate thought was the sketch she did of Jim at the lake. She closed her eyes and shook her head. Absolutely not. All of the pieces she had on display were still life. It would be weird if she had a sketch of one of her co-workers displayed in the middle.

As she continued to scrutinize her own art, she noticed Roy’s figure out of the corner of her eye. Finally. Someone she knew. “Hey,” she managed to muster a small smile as she hugged him. “How are you?”

“Good,” he smiled as he pulled away from her. He looked over his shoulder at the slightly shorter, much pudgier man behind him. “Look who I brought.”

“Hey Kenny.” She was surprised that Roy would bring his brother to the show, but at least it was another person she knew.

“Hey Pam,” the slightly older guy smiled.

Roy glanced all around him. He was surprised that he was the only person from work who made it to her show. “How about this, huh? I show up with my brother, and no one from work is here?” Maybe she’d realize that he was making an effort to be more involved with her passions? Maybe if she saw his effort, they could finally put the past behind them and move on? “That’s pretty cool, huh?”

Pam’s smile faltered as she nodded. She glanced back at her art. Yeah. It was nearly 6:00 and no one from work had bothered to show up.

* * *

About fifteen minutes after he first showed up, Roy headed out the door with his brother. While Pam recognized and appreciated his effort, she knew he’d never stay until 7:00. Since no one else seemed interested in her display, she decided to escort them out. After all, they were the only ones who showed up specifically to see her work. She supposed that fifteen minutes was better than nothing. Right?

“It’s cool if I go, right? I mean,” he down at her, “I looked at all of them.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Thank you for coming.” She pulled the sleeves of her purple turtleneck down over her hands. He didn’t need to ask her permission to go. It wasn’t like they were dating or anything.

“Hey, do you want to come over to my place after this?” It was bold. He knew it was bold, but he felt a spark between them at Phyllis’s wedding. That combined with his effort tonight had to mean something, right? “Or, I could go to your apartment?”

Pam crossed her arms over her chest.

Roy knew exactly what that meant. He had pushed her too far. “How about dinner? Wherever you want to go?”

“Not tonight. I’m a little tired.” When she noticed how crestfallen he seemed by her rejection, she gave him a half smile. “How about tomorrow night?”

He immediately perked up. A date? It was a start. Finally, after months, Roy could feel their inevitable reconciliation forming. “I’ll pick you up at 7:00?”

Pam nodded.

His smiled widened. “Hey.” When she looked up at him, he took a step closer toward her. “Your art was the prettiest art of all the art.”

It wasn’t the most eloquent thing she had ever heard in her life, but at least he made an effort. “Thank you.”

* * *

 

She took her time getting back to her display. After all, what was the point? It wasn’t like she expected anyone else to show up. However, as she rounded the corner, she heard Oscar’s voice. When she spotted him and his boyfriend, Gil, admiring her work, she smiled. Someone—aside from Roy—actually came? She took a step forward to greet them when she overheard their conversation.

“Yeah. On Van Gogh’s first try, he drew the hands of the peasants.”

Oscar scratched his chin as he stared at Pam’s artwork. “Meaning what?”

Gil glanced at Oscar. “Meaning real art takes courage, ok?” He waited a beat. “And—and honesty.”

Oscar crossed his arms over his chest. “Well, those aren’t Pam’s strong points.”

Gil nodded. “Yeah. Exactly. That’s why this is…motel art.” 

Pam’s smile faded as her heart sank to the floor. She had met Gil a handful of times over the last few months. She thought he had been perfectly nice, and while she knew she had willingly subjected herself to criticism by participating in this exercise, she never thought that someone she knew would be so callous. This had been her first real attempt at creating something. She knew she wasn’t a prodigy. She knew that she wasn’t the next Van Gogh, but motel art? Was that the most she could hope for? 

Unable to attempt any hint of a smile, she retreated back down the hall and to the bathroom, the couple’s words echoing through her mind.

* * *

By the time she emerged, it was nearly 7:00. The last two hours had been a complete disaster and she knew she shouldn’t have been surprised. Her entire life had been a series of disasters the last several months. Why did she think that tonight would be any different?

As she made her way back to her work, she took a long, hard look at the images before her. Were they courageous pieces? No. She couldn’t find a single reflection of her soul in any of them, save for, perhaps, the painting she did of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. Everything else on the wall were random objects that, she thought, had inspired her enough to capture, but they showed no reflection of who she was as a person and as an artist.

Then again, who could possibly find any sort of passion in a stapler?

She smiled softly. Dwight could. He had a very passionate response when he discovered that Jim had put his stapler in jello.

God.

That seemed like a lifetime ago.

She sighed as she walked over to the watercolor she did of some flowers in a vase and pulled out one of the pushpins that held it to the wall. All she wanted to do was go home and pour herself the biggest glass of wine she could find. Hell, she might ditch the glass all together and drink straight from the bottle.

And it was only Wednesday.

“Pam-casso,” she heard a voice call out from behind her. She spun around and was surprised to see her boss there. “Sorry I’m late,” Michael smiled as he approached her. “I had to race across town.”

“Oh, Michael.” She took a step back in order to give him an unobstructed view her artwork. She was shocked that he remembered the event was tonight. He had been so focused on his speech for Ryan’s business class that Pam figured it had slipped his mind. She never had the chance to remind him about the show, so—perhaps for the first time ever—she was thrilled to see him.

Michael took one look at the wall before his mouth fell open. “Wow.” He turned to her for a second before he looked back at the wall. “You did these freehand?”

Pam clasped her hands together in front of her. She wasn’t sure she could handle any more ‘constructive criticism’; however, she tried to brace herself for whatever came next. “Yep.”

“My God,” Michael marveled as he looked from one image to the next. “These could be tracings.” When he looked at the next row, he stopped. His eyes lit up as he glanced at Pam and back to one image in particular. “Oh. Look at this one.” He chuckled as he pointed to it. “Wow. You nailed it.”

Seeing the pure joy in his eyes stunned her. She had known her boss for nearly four years. She could predict most of the outrageous things he did and said, but she never expected to see him so awestruck over something she created. She kept her gaze on him as he stared at the image of their office building.

Michael couldn’t get over how uncanny the resemblance was. After having a horrible day with Ryan, where he had unknowingly stepped into an interrogation about the future of his job and the people he worked with—the people he loved—seeing her drawing on the wall meant—well—it meant everything to him. Perhaps he had done something right? Maybe he wasn’t the only one who seemed to care about the company in which he worked for? “How much?”

Pam glanced at the wall before she looked back at him. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t see a price.”

“Um, you want to buy it?” Pam crinkled her nose in confusion. Was he serious?

“Well, yeah.” He looked at her for a second before he looked back at the piece. “Yeah, we have to have it for the office.” He chuckled. “I mean…there’s my window. And…there’s my car!” He grinned as he turned to Pam. “Is that your car,” he pointed to the only other car in the image.

She nodded before she lightly chuckled. “Uh-huh.”

Michael slowly exhaled. He couldn’t take his eyes off of it. “That is our building.”

Pam could tell that something was on his mind. She wondered if something happened in Ryan’s class. She could see tears form in his eyes as he slowly turned toward her. “And we sell paper.”

Pam could feel tears forming in her own eyes as she slowly nodded. The few people that showed up to her show seemed like they’d rather be anywhere else, but her boss, who evidently had a horrible day of his own, not only showed up, but greeted her with so much enthusiasm that Pam could feel her breakthrough coming. Maybe still life wasn’t her forte, just as guest speaking, perhaps, wasn’t Michael’s. She knew she had been hard on her boss in the past and for the most part, he deserved the tough love, but right now, at that moment, Pam had never been more grateful for him.

“I am really proud of you.”

That sent Pam over the edge. She never knew she needed to hear those words from him, but the moment he uttered them, she felt a rush of emotion overwhelm her. Before she could second-guess herself, she took two steps forward and hugged him. She closed her eyes as a tidal wave of emotion finally pulled her under. “Thank you.” 

Michael wasn’t entirely sure what prompted the hug, but he smiled as returned it.

“Am I too late?”

Pam knew she had dreamt it. She knew that it wasn’t possible, but as she opened her eyes, there he stood. He was still in his work clothes, his tie loosened, his hair a little more mussed than it normally was, but he was really there. Jim Halpert actually came to her art show.

Michael spun around. “Jimbo! How is it possible that I beat you here?”

“Oh, I…uh…had to do something first,” he answered as he looked between them. “Did I interrupt something?”

“No, not at all,” Michael told him as he stepped to the side in order to allow Jim to get a closer look at Pam’s artwork. “Oh, you can’t buy that one,” Michael gestured to the image of the office building. “Because I already bought it.”

Pam pulled the sleeves of her shirt down as she watched Jim look over her work. When his scrutiny became too much, she turned to Michael. “Michael, you can have it. Seriously. It’s not…not worth anything.”

“Not worth anything?” Michael shook his head. “No, no, no. That is our building and one day, that piece will be priceless.”

She gave him a small smile. “Thank you, Michael.”

Michael turned to Jim, who seemed to be lost in thought as he looked over each piece. “So, what do you think, Jim?”

Jim didn’t say anything as he continued to examine every single piece on the wall. When he was done, he stepped back and stood next to his boss. He couldn’t help but to grin as he glanced at Pam. “They’re incredible. You’ve done all of these this semester?”

She nodded. “Uh…yeah. The last couple of months. These are just the watercolors, though. There are a ton of sketches in my sketchbook.”

“Really?” When she nodded, he stuffed his hands into his coat pockets. “I’d love to see them.”

Pam crossed her arms over her chest as the image of one in particular came to her mind. “Oh. Well, I don’t…I don’t have it here or anything.”

Michael looked around the area. It appeared as if several of the other students were taking their work down. “Is it over?”

Pam glanced at her watch. “Yeah. It ended a few minutes ago.” She looked up at the wall. “You can go ahead and take the one of the building. I’ve already been graded on it.”

“A+, I bet,” Michael grinned as he walked over to the painting and began to pull out the pushpins.

“I got a B,” she confessed as her gaze fell to the ground. “I messed up on the shadowing.”

Jim furrowed his eyebrows when he saw her gaze fall to the ground. “It’s great, Pam.” When she looked up at him, he gave her a small smile. “It really is.”

“Thanks.”

* * *

Michael and Jim waited for Pam to put her remaining pieces back into her portfolio and get everything cleaned up before they walked outside together.

“Thanks again, Pam,” Michael told her as he looked down at the painting. His car was parked up front so it only took a few minutes for the trio to reach his vehicle. “I’m going to get it framed and hang it up in the office.” He looked up at the pair. “I’ll see you both tomorrow morning.”

“8:00am sharp,” Jim answered as he watched his boss get into his Sebring. After Michael pulled away, Pam and Jim resumed their walk towards their respective cars. When Jim pulled into the parking lot, he immediately spotted Pam’s car, but instead of parking in the open spot next to hers, he parked a few spots down. He had hoped he’d have a minute to speak with her, but in the off chance that she wanted to make a quick escape, he figured the least he could do was to give her an out.

“Thanks again,” Pam told him as they walked. “For coming tonight.”

“Yeah, I…after the other night, I wasn’t sure if you would…if you’d want me to come.” He waited a beat. “But I couldn’t…I couldn’t not come. I hope that was ok.”

“No…yeah. It’s definitely ok.”

“I was uh…hoping we’d have a chance to talk. I know you’ve probably been thinking about this all day so I didn’t want to…um…distract you.”

She nodded. Had she been that obvious? “You still know me pretty well.”

“Yeah. The old Jim might be gone, but the new Jim still has all of his memories.” When Pam bit her lip at his comment, he chuckled. “Sorry. It was a horrible attempt at a joke.”

“No, I’m sorry,” she apologized as she suddenly stopped walking. When he turned back to look at her, she continued. “For what I said at the wedding. I was completely out of line. You…I have no reason to judge you or your relationship.” She glanced at her black leather portfolio. “It just…it surprised me and I guess I had a little too much wine or something because I just…reacted without thinking. It was a lot to take in at once…with the phone and…a-and with the Karen thing, I just…” she sighed. “But it’s no excuse. I’m sorry.”

It wasn’t until they resumed their walk that he finally spoke. “No, you were right.” He could feel Pam’s gaze on him as they walked, but he refused to meet her stare. “That’s not me. I’m not who I was before I left. Things have just…gotten out of control and I don’t know…I don’t know how to fix everything.” 

She shrugged. “I don’t know about everything, but this…what we’re doing right now…having a real conversation without feeling like the world’s ending…it’s a good start.” They stopped walking when they reached Pam’s car. She unlocked it and sat her artwork in the passenger seat before she turned to face him. “Seriously. Tonight…you coming…it means a lot to me.”

He knew he had a lot to figure out and even more to prove. After all, he hadn’t told her the reason why he was late in the first place. He knew she’d find out before he had a chance to explain, and maybe that was how it should be. Tonight wasn’t about their relationship, or lack thereof. It was about starting a brand new chapter—one in which they could be friends again. 

And that started with making sure she knew what was going through his mind. “The real reason why I went to Stamford was because I wanted to be…not here.” 

Pam nodded as she looked down at the pavement. “I know.”

“And even though I came back, I just feel like…I’ve never really come back.” Until a few days ago, he thought he was the same guy, just sans a best friend in the office, but as he stood in front of her, he realized that everything he had done since he came back was to mask the fact that he left a part of him—the part that was scared to return to Scranton—back in Connecticut.

Pam stared at him for a long moment. She wasn’t sure what would happen next. She had no idea where her art would take her—if it would take her anywhere. She wasn’t even sure what was going to happen from one day to the next. The only thing she knew was that she missed her friend, Jim. His friendship meant more to her than anything—even more than the possibly of a romantic relationship. He and Karen were together and she was—well, she had a date with her ex-fiancé the next night. Still, at the end of the day, above everything else, she wanted to have her friend back. “Well, I wish you would.”


	13. Not-So-Happy Hour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so incredibly sorry for the long delay. It's been a rough summer for me, for a number of reasons. I usually don't have huge breaks in between chapters, but life sometimes gets in the way. For that, I'm sorry. Hopefully, I'll get back to more frequent updates now that things seem to be settling down a bit. This chapter might be rough, but it's been months since I last wrote, so I am definitely rusty.

* * *

 

Pam couldn’t help but to fidget with the small golden pendant that hung around her neck while she stared at the monitor in front of her. She was only twelve hours removed from agreeing to go out on a date with Roy, but as the words on the screen stared back at her, she began to reconsider.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to go out with Roy. She knew that he had spent the last several months trying to get back in her good graces, and he had done a lot more for her than most of the people she knew. Hell, he was one of the few who actually showed up to her show.

But still…

It wasn’t that long ago that she never considered going to Happy Hour with her co-workers. It was primarily because Roy never wanted to go, but if she really wanted to then she would have.

Wouldn’t she?

She chewed on her bottom lip as she considered her options. Despite the fact that she was still a little saddened by the fact that most of her co-workers blew her off, she still wanted to spend some time with them outside of work. After Jim moved to Stamford, she realized that he was the only real friend she had in the office. While she didn’t quite understand why everyone blew her off, she still considered them her friends.

And they were all getting together for a drink after work.

Tonight.

Because Thursdays were $1 Pint Night at Poor Richard’s.

And even though the majority of them made her feel invisible most of the time, Pam really wanted to go. 

She had already made plans, but if this was something she really wanted to do, wouldn’t Roy understand? Couldn’t they wait one more day?

She slid the pendant all the way around the slender gold chain she wore. She was so engrossed in her own conflicting thoughts that she didn’t notice him at first. In fact, it wasn’t until he lightly drummed his fingers against her desk that she even realized he was there. “Oh, hey,” she greeted with a small smile.

Roy grinned, amused at how easily she was startled. “What are you reading?”

Pam shrugged. As soon as she decided to forget about the entire thing, she paused. _‘No,’_ she glanced back at her computer screen. She wanted to go to Happy Hour. She wanted to spend a little time with her co-workers outside of the office. Maybe the reason why no one showed up to her show wasn’t because they looked down at her. Maybe she made herself invisible. When she dated Roy, she never hung out with anyone outside of work. She was so fixated on repairing her fractured relationship that she neglected most of the people in her life. Even over the last few months, while she had spent more time with her co-workers, she still felt isolated from everyone.

She furrowed her eyebrows as she looked up into Roy’s curious gaze. As Oscar’s words from the previous night ricocheted through her mind, she gave him a small smile. “Well, actually…”

* * *

Jim wasn’t entirely sure what to expect when he walked into the office that Thursday morning, but he definitely wasn’t prepared to see Pam and Roy laughing together at the reception desk. He quickly reminded himself that just because he and Pam found some sort of solid ground didn’t necessarily mean that she was ready for something more—not that he presumed there would be something more to be had.

After he placed his coat on the rack by her desk, he ran his fingers through his hair and made his way to his desk.

While he tried to mentally prepare himself for the workday—not to mention the cocktail party at the CFO’s house that night—he couldn’t help but to overhear the conversation behind him.

“You should come,” Pam concluded as she leaned back in her seat and slowly looked up at her ex-fiancé. She wasn’t entirely sure why she was so nervous to tell him what she wanted to do that night. They weren’t in a relationship, but she was pleasantly surprised by the slight smile that curled up in the corners of his mouth. He was willing to reschedule their date off for another day, but he didn’t seem particularly interested in going with her that night. “It’ll give you a chance to get to know people outside of the office and…” she shrugged, “…I’d really like it if you came.”

His smile widened. “Really?”

She nodded. “Of course.”

He tapped his fingers against the counter while he considered her request. Finally, he looked back at her. “How could I possibly say ‘no’ then?” He leaned back. “I might bring my brother with me. He’s going to unload the jet skis this afternoon and I promised I’d buy him a beer.”

Pam managed to keep a neutral expression on her face, but inwardly she scowled. Was he planning to get drinks with his brother before their—now postponed—date? “Ok. Sounds good.”

“And tomorrow night…it’s you and me, right?”

She nodded. “Yep.”

He grinned. “Sounds like a plan.” He took a few steps toward the door before he glanced back at the bullpen. “Hey Halpert!”

Jim involuntarily clenched his jaw at the sound of his own name. He had heard enough of the conversation to surmise that Pam and Roy had finally reconciled. He quickly reminded himself that he had no claim on the woman behind him. His stomach lurched as he spun around to face the man who had stolen Pam’s heart for a second time. “Hey Roy.” It took every ounce of strength he had to force out a smile. 

“You coming to this happy hour thing tonight?”

“Ahhh, I….” He glanced back at Pam before he turned his attention back to Roy. “I can’t…actually. I’m going to this dinner party thing at David Wallace’s house.” When Roy furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, Jim elaborated. “The CFO of the company.” When Roy nodded in acknowledgement, Jim crossed his arms over his chest. “Yeah, he invited all of the managers and assistant managers…just sort of a networking thing, I guess.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Jim glanced back at his desk. “Wish I could get out of it because…yeah drinks at Poor Richard’s sounds great, but…you know…”

“Right. Well,” He glanced at Pam before he looked back at Jim. “Next time then.”

“Oh. Yeah. Definitely.” When Roy headed toward the door, Jim glanced at Karen, who had been staring at him. He gave her a small smile. When she reluctantly returned his forced smile with one of her own, he looked back down at his desk.

 _‘Yeah. If there was any way to get out of it, believe me I would,’_ he thought as he pulled up his email. He had promised Karen weeks ago that he’d take her to the event. David was expecting them both to be there and he knew he couldn’t back out now.

But God, it was going to be an awkward drive.

The timing wasn’t right last night, but when was the right time to end a relationship that wasn’t really a relationship to begin with? Jim knew he had to end things with Karen after the wedding. His feelings for Pam never waivered, but admittedly, he could have found a better time to do it. At the time, he just didn’t want to prolong it any longer than necessary. They had been together for months and he still felt nothing but companionship for her. He liked her. He—selfishly—took solace in her, but he wasn’t in love with her.

Maybe Roy and Pam had reconciled.

It certainly seemed as much given the conversation he overheard.

Maybe they were back on track and well on their way toward walking down the aisle.

Maybe it was none of his business.

Over the last few days, Jim realized that he couldn’t control what anyone else did. He could only control his own decisions.

And right now, the only thing he wanted was to get through the evening without Karen killing him.

* * *

She would never admit it to anyone, but when Roy agreed—albeit begrudgingly—to go to Happy Hour with the rest of the office, Pam breathed a sigh of relief. She spent the better part of the afternoon ignoring what that relief could possibly mean.

Shortly after lunch, Michael and Dwight left for New York. A few hours after that, Pam watched as Jim and Karen trudged out. She took a deep breath as the door slowly closed behind him. While thankful that he showed up to her art show and that they had a chance to talk about everything, Pam still felt lost when it came to all things Jim Halpert. The couple didn’t seem too thrilled when they left, but that could easily be chalked up to the fact that they had to drive two hours in order to attend a corporate function.

Pam had spoken to Jim briefly that morning, and while she still felt those pesky butterflies at the mere sound of his voice, she couldn’t help but to also feel a sharp pang in her chest when he smiled at her. Why did it have to be this complicated? It shouldn’t be this complicated.

And she definitely shouldn’t be thinking about him as anything more than a friend right now. After all, they had just found some sort of common ground with one another.   They had finally reached a point where they could speak to one another without worrying about the repercussions.

Not that she was clamoring to tell him how her body ached whenever he was in close proximity.

_‘Jesus, Beesly. Get a grip.’_

She inwardly groaned. Why was she torturing herself like this? Those thoughts led her to the land of possibilities: a land that she was now forbidden to daydream about.

Because he was with Karen. It was an ‘open relationship’, but Pam refused to allow herself to get tangled up in it. She knew it would only end in heartbreak, not to mention the fact that she would be subjected to unnecessary workplace drama. Open or not, she was never wanted to ruin someone else’s relationship—even if that someone was Jim.

Of course, that was assuming he felt the same way.

Which she wasn’t sure of anymore.

She groaned as she turned back to her computer. She needed a drink—or five.

* * *

The drive to New York was nothing short of terrible. Jim and Karen spent the first hour in complete silence. They were midway through the second hour when Karen suddenly turned to face him. “Is it because of Pam?”

Jim furrowed his eyebrows for a long moment before he glanced at her. “What?”

“The reason why you…ended it. Did something happen with Pam?” She wasn’t stupid. He had already admitted how he felt about the receptionist. He hadn’t said anything that contradicted it over the last few months. It only made sense that she would play a part in all of this.

Jim gripped the steering wheel, but said nothing as he continued the trek to David Wallace’s house. Was he embarrassed about what happened with Pam in the basement of the church? No, but he’d be the first to admit that it wasn’t the best decision he ever made. It was also an extremely private moment and while they had never agreed to keep it between the two of them, he knew that Pam was an extremely private person. She wouldn’t want the entire office to know what happened, especially if she had decided to get back together with Roy.

Karen watched Jim’s knuckles turn white has he clutched the steering wheel. It was the only confirmation she needed.

“I told you why I wanted to…why we needed to…end things.” He waited a beat. “It’s got nothing to do with Pam.” He wasn’t so far in denial that he believed that, but Karen didn’t need to know what happened with Pam in the basement of the church. It was a moot point, anyway. Even if Pam wasn’t in the picture, Jim knew he and Karen weren’t soul mates. They had chemistry, but chemistry wasn’t love. “You…want something that I can’t give you and you don’t…you don’t deserve to waste your time with someone who can’t give you that.”

Karen frowned. She didn’t buy that for a moment, but what else could she do? She had spent hours trying to get a real answer from him last night, but he wouldn’t budge. He insisted that they weren’t in the same place emotionally and that she deserved more than what he could offer. She admitted that she could wait a little while longer, but he wasn’t interested in that. He wanted a clean break.

Only he had RSVPed to this dinner a few weeks ago—back when they were still whatever it was that they were. While she knew it wasn’t exactly healthy to keep up the charade for another day, she still wanted to go to the party because it would be a great opportunity for her to network with the executives who worked at Dunder Mifflin’s corporate office in New York. She told Jim when they first met that her ultimate goal was to work in the city.

Jim felt horrible about the entire ordeal. The least he could do was bring Karen with him. Who knows? Maybe she could make a memorable impression and get a job at corporate within the next few months? God. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel like the biggest creep in the world.

He had hurt her. He knew that, but what else could he have done? He made a horrible mistake and unfortunately, Karen was the one who paid for it. She had been a good friend and he had been an ass. If there was a way to help her out, he was more than willing to do it.

Karen turned back to face the road. “I wonder what kind of show Michael and Jan will put on tonight.”

“My money’s on a dramatic reading,” he responded dryly. “Definitely something Shakespearean. Michael’s a huge 'Macbeth' fan.”

Karen thought about it for a moment. “Weird. I always thought ‘The Taming of the Shrew’ was more his speed.”

“Or 'Much Ado About Nothing',” he smirked.

“Either way, at least the entertainment will be covered,” she smiled softly, thankful for the comedic reprieve in their conversation.

* * *

Poor Richard’s wasn’t too crowded by the time everyone arrived. Pam was surprised by the number of people who showed up. The only ones who weren’t there were Angela and Stanley, both of whom declined the invitation that morning. Stanley claimed he had other plans, while Angela refused to go to ‘some dingy bar’.

Roy went to pick up his brother, so he didn’t carpool over to the bar like the others had. Pam rode with Kelly and Ryan, a decision she immediately regretted as the couple argued with one another the entire ride over. Pam wasn’t entirely sure what they were fighting about because the couple jumped from subject to subject, not to mention the fact that they talked over one another the entire time.

By the time they reached the bar, Pam realized that she should have taken her chances with Meredith.  As Kelly and Ryan groped each other at the bar, Pam realized that she definitely needed to find another ride back to the office. She considered asking Roy when he showed up, but immediately reconsidered. She knew he’d try to persuade her to go back to his place—their old place. She wasn’t ready for that.

As one of the waitresses came to the table to take their drink order, Pam decided that she’d figure out the logistics of getting back to the office later. She wanted to go out tonight in order to engage in good conversation with her co-workers, not spend the entire evening trying to figure out how she was going to get back to her car.

After she ordered a beer, she looked at the group around her and couldn’t help but to wish Jim were there too.

* * *

As guilty as he felt about the demise of their pseudo-relationship, Jim couldn’t help but to feel annoyed by Karen as she tried to make him jealous throughout the entire evening. When she sensed his annoyance, she tried to downplay it as a prank and while he went along with it, he realized that she hadn’t quite given up on the possibility of them being together.

It wasn’t going to work. Jim now knew that it never would because he knew what he wanted, and even if he had to wait fifty years—even if it never happened in this lifetime—he’d still wait. The last few months taught him that Pamela Morgan Beesly was the only woman for him. There was no way he could ever love someone the way he loved her. He knew that now. On paper, Karen was perfect for him, but after trying for months, he realized that couldn’t force himself to love her. He knew now that he never would.

When David Wallace asked him to play a quick game of basketball, Jim almost hugged him in sheer relief. He desperately needed to get away from the mind-numbing conversations about the company’s profits in the last quarter and Karen’s games. He had been counting down the seconds until it was socially acceptable to leave, but as he stepped outside with Dunder Mifflin’s CFO, he finally felt a moment of relief.

How strange was it that the person he felt the most comfortable with at the party was the CFO of the company?

David made small talk as they each took turns shooting the ball, but after several minutes, as he bounced the basketball back toward his boss’s boss’s boss, David suddenly asked Jim where he saw himself in five years.

Jim glanced back at the house behind him. “I’m not sure,” he slowly began. “A nice house,” he gestured to the structure in front of him before he turned back to the slightly older man. It seemed like a trick question, but he wasn’t exactly eager to go back inside, so he figured he’d play along. “A family...hopefully…maybe.”

David nodded before he passed the ball back to the salesman. “What about professionally?”

Jim chuckled as he looked down at the ball in his hands. “I’m not sure,” he answered honestly. He had seriously considered leaving the company when the Stamford branch shut down. Once he made the decision to move back to Scranton, he became more focused on how to peacefully co-exist with Pam rather than his career. Still, he liked the people he worked with—for the most part. He had definitely had worse jobs. He had thought about leaving the company a few times over the last few years, but at least for the foreseeable future, he was exactly where he wanted to be. “I definitely want to grow with the company. I’m just not entirely sure what the next step is.”

“Would you be willing to relocate if the right position came along?   I know you moved back to Scranton a few months ago, but I also know that you really didn’t have much say in the matter.”

Jim thought about it for a moment. He hadn’t thought about leaving Scranton again. While things were ok with Pam, he knew he wouldn’t be able to survive another round of wedding planning. While he had succumbed to the fact that he’d be in love with her for the rest of his life, he also knew his limits. Maybe it was time for him to try to branch out again? He had to admit that he thought about Pam less while he lived in Stamford. Granted, he still thought about her all the time, but at least when he was there, he wasn’t forced to see her with Roy every day. The conversation he overheard that morning suddenly echoed through his mind. “I guess it depends on where.”

David shrugged nonchalantly. “Well, what about New York?”

* * *

She hadn’t played a drinking game in years, but after three rounds of quarters, Pam realized that this was the most fun she had ever had with her co-workers. She was blissfully happy after Roy and his brother showed up and bought a round of drinks for everyone. Every single person around her seemed to be having a blast and she was having a blast with them.

It wasn’t until Roy offhandedly mentioned that it was impossible for Pam to keep anything from him that she sobered up from the three beers she had consumed.

While it was undeniable that Roy knew her better than most, it wasn’t true that he knew her better than anyone. It wasn’t true that she was incapable of keeping things from him. In fact, there was something pretty major that she had kept from him for nearly a year now: the real reason why she called off the wedding.

Maybe it wasn’t the right time or place, but as Pam found herself asking him if he wanted to get a drink with her at the bar, she realized that he deserved to know the truth about what happened at Casino Night.

* * *

Roy stared at his ex-fiancé for a solid minute as she pressed her fingernails against the beer bottle in her hands. She seemed anxious as she fidgeted in her seat. He could tell that she was uncomfortable, and yet, he knew it wasn’t the seat that was bothering her.

He had only seen her act this nervous a handful of times over the course of their relationship. If that wasn’t enough to unnerve him, the fact that she hadn’t meet his gaze since they sat down sent a chill down his spine.

What the hell was going on?

Pam knew she was stalling. She knew that she had to tell him. Even though it happened months ago, even though Jim had moved on, Roy deserved to know the truth. She knew she should have told him the night she ended their engagement, but at the time, she wasn’t sure if it would serve any real purpose. Jim had already moved to Stamford and she had managed to convince herself that the reason she called off the wedding had nothing to do with what happened that night in the office, but now, she knew better. She could deny it to everyone else but herself, and while things with Jim seemed more complicated than ever and she wasn’t sure what—if anything—would happen with Roy, she knew that it had to start with the truth.

It took her another full minute to finally meet his gaze. When she did, she took a deep breath. “Um…there’s something I need to tell you…before we…before we give this…before we give us…another chance.” She cleared her throat. “Do you remember Casino Night?" 

Roy furrowed his eyebrows. That was an odd question. “Yeah,” he slowly responded. “The thing last May, right?”

Pam nodded. “Well, something happened that night that I…I haven’t been completely honest with you about.”

Roy stared at her for a long moment before he nervously chuckled. “What? You spent more money than you should have or something? I mean…I know you didn’t get home until 4, which…is fine. I mean…you know that sometimes I stay out all night with Kenny, so it’s more than fair that you—“

“It’s not about money,” she interrupted, “Or the fact that I was out late.” She looked back down at her beer. “I kissed Jim,” she blurted out. As soon as the words tumbled out of her mouth she looked back up at Roy. He seemed to be in disbelief.

“What?”

“That night…Casino Night…I…um…was really confused about some things…a lot of things…and I had…had several drinks and I just…” She sighed. She couldn’t blame this on the alcohol. While it had given her the confidence to give into temptation, it wasn’t to blame for what happened. She knowingly, willingly kissed another man. “I know I should have told you about it sooner, but I—“

“You kissed him?”

There it was. The realization. The anger she knew he’d have. She gripped the bottle a little tighter as fear slowly crept up her spine. She knew that tone. There was something about the tone in his voice that terrified her. While Roy never once laid a finger on her, she had witnessed just how explosive his temper could be on numerous occasions over the last fifteen years.

“Really Pam?!” His voice boomed, the echo of which bounced off of the walls of the small pub.

Pam spun around as she surveyed the room. While several of her co-workers had already left, there was still a handful milling around. If Roy didn’t lower his voice, everyone in the bar would certainly find out what happened that night, and even though they weren’t dating at that time, Pam didn’t want Karen to feel awkward about it. Pam didn’t quite understand Karen and Jim’s relationship, but she was determined to respect it. “Keep your voice down.”

“Keep my—KEEP MY VOICE DOWN?!” He leapt off the stool and hurled the beer in front of him toward the wall. The glass bottle collided with the mirror on the wall across from them, instantly shattering both.

As Pam stared at the broken glass on the floor in front of her, she realized for once and for all that while Jim had been the catalyst for her to end her relationship with Roy, the issues they had ran far deeper. It was over between them—for now and always. “It’s over,” she stated calmly yet definitively before she slid off the stool and wandered toward the small group at the other end of the bar.

“YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT IT’S OVER,” he bellowed behind her before he reached for more items to throw around the bar.

Pam could feel a rush of tears sting the back of her eyes as she walked away, but she refused to give into them. The Roy chapter of her life was finally closed.

Now, it was time to move on.

* * *

Jim lightly drummed his fingers against the steering wheel as they passed by the “Welcome to Scranton” sign. It had been a weird evening and now, David Wallace had all but hinted that there could be a job opening at corporate soon. Before that conversation, he was certain he’d stay in Scranton for the foreseeable future, but now he wasn’t so sure. When he was a kid, he had always dreamt of moving to Philadelphia or New York, but it was something he hadn’t thought about since he started working at Dunder Mifflin four year ago.

What was keeping him in Scranton?

Pam was back together with Roy. Jim knew that he had effectively screwed up whatever chance he had with Pam by hiding behind his relationship with Karen. It felt like he had been running in place ever since he returned to Scranton. For her sake—and his—perhaps moving to New York wouldn’t be a bad idea.

“Just tell me it’s because of Pam,” Karen spoke up from next to him. “I won’t…I won’t talk about it again. I won’t keep…trying.” She waited a beat. “I just need you to tell me, Jim. I feel like I deserve that much.”

He sighed. What was the point in denying it? Every major decision he had made in the last year was with Pam in mind—in one way or another. Pam knew how he felt about her. What was the point in hiding it? Maybe Karen was right. Maybe she deserved to hear the truth—even if she already knew it. “Yes,” he finally confessed. “I thought I could…if I there was any chance that I could…if I could move on, I thought it would be with you because…on paper, you’re perfect. Karen, you’re smart, beautiful…” He gave her a sad smile. “You appreciate the art of a good prank.”

“I’m just not her.” She slowly inhaled. She thought his confirmation would hurt more, but instead, she could finally breathe again. “Thank you.” She gave him a small smile. “It helps.”

He nodded. “Good.”

She waited a beat. “So what did Wallace want to talk to you about?”

* * *

Roy felt like a caged animal as he waited for Kenny to settle up with the owner of the bar. They had destroyed a couple dozen-pint glasses, completely shattered that stupid mirror, and even broke a few barstools just to prove a point to someone who had already left. He wasn’t sure how much the damage would be or even if Kenny would be able to talk the manager out of calling the police.

When his brother sat down beside him and told him that the proceeds from the jet-skis would be enough to keep the police out of it, Roy felt a second wave of anger overwhelm him. This wasn’t his brother’s fault. Hell, it wasn’t even his own stupid fault. Pam— _his Pam_ —cheated on him with a guy Roy never once felt threatened by. For a long time, he thought Jim might have been gay given the fact that Pam was able to confide in him about work and the wedding. He never thought Jim would try to pull Pam away from him.

Jim Halpert. Roy clenched his jaw. He gripped the edge of the curb as he stared at the alley behind the bar. This was all his fault. “I’m gonna kill Jim Halpert.”


End file.
